Xenotime, Librarian of Æther :trans_fedi:

Physics & CS student :neocat_science:

slowly picking up the pieces of myself cast across the sands.......

neighborhood disaster queer :v_trans: :v_bi:

Science VTuber very occasionally:
https://youtube.com/@xenotimeyt
https://twitch.tv/xenotimevt

self.age > 18

hacker at heart
cyberpunk is now

#nobot (except cute ones ofc) #noarchive

Pronouns: she/they
Learning: Deutsch, 日本語, Italiano, Dansk
YouTube: https://youtube.com/@xenotimeyt
Twitch: https://twitch.tv/xenotimevt
GitHub: https://github.com/xnotime
Cyberspace: https://cyberspace.online/xeno

Public Key

npub1wm2s54c7s0kysu5ajgxscqzk27vx8uvs28ga9skr7pu90rx8th4q86gvgx

NIP-05 Address

xeno_at_hexokina.se@momostr.pink

Profile Code

nprofile1qqs8d4g22u0g8mzgw2weyrgvqpt90xrr7xg9r5wjctplq7zh3nr4m6spz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dswzfe2q

Publishing to

relay.damus.io

nos.lol

Author Public Key

npub1wm2s54c7s0kysu5ajgxscqzk27vx8uvs28ga9skr7pu90rx8th4q86gvgx

Show more details

Published at

2026-06-05T00:31:27Z

Kind type

0 Metadata

Event JSON

{ "id": "3552e054622f268514b87431602656e217deb63bf779804b3d9c6f45719795b3", "pubkey": "76d50a571e83ec48729d920d0c0056579863f19051d1d2c2c3f078578cc75dea", "created_at": 1780619487, "kind": 0, "tags": [ [ "emoji", "trans_fedi", "https://hexokina.se/files/b3ee3cb6-4e11-40c7-acda-450b57106869.png" ], [ "emoji", "neocat_science", "https://hexokina.se/files/4ea2dec0-3862-466e-92b0-85059b50194b.png" ], [ "emoji", "v_trans", "https://hexokina.se/files/6c8eebc2-34a8-4da3-b176-c55b59bbc3a3.png" ], [ "emoji", "v_bi", "https://hexokina.se/files/webpublic-85f73e12-b41b-4bc6-9dd2-ea3d786c55f3.png" ], [ "t", "nobot" ], [ "t", "noarchive" ], [ "proxy", "https://hexokina.se/users/ag6ygku3a0lo000e", "activitypub" ], [ "L", "pink.momostr" ], [ "l", "pink.momostr.activitypub:https://hexokina.se/users/ag6ygku3a0lo000e", "pink.momostr" ], [ "-" ] ], "content": "{\"name\":\"Xenotime, Librarian of Æther :trans_fedi:\",\"about\":\"Physics \u0026 CS student :neocat_science:\\n\\nslowly picking up the pieces of myself cast across the sands.......\\n\\nneighborhood disaster queer :v_trans: :v_bi:\\n\\nScience VTuber very occasionally:\\nhttps://youtube.com/@xenotimeyt\\nhttps://twitch.tv/xenotimevt\\n\\nself.age \u003e 18\\n\\nhacker at heart\\ncyberpunk is now\\n\\n#nobot (except cute ones ofc) #noarchive\\n\\nPronouns: she/they\\nLearning: Deutsch, 日本語, Italiano, Dansk\\nYouTube: https://youtube.com/@xenotimeyt\\nTwitch: https://twitch.tv/xenotimevt\\nGitHub: https://github.com/xnotime\\nCyberspace: https://cyberspace.online/xeno\\n\",\"website\":\"https://hexokina.se/@xeno\",\"picture\":\"https://hexokina.se/files/bf3ded59-7195-4f21-a69f-d18bc384f814.webp\",\"nip05\":\"xeno_at_hexokina.se@momostr.pink\"}", "sig": "3e55e7cd1f2ac32ac3faa822087507625aea85b685e2f8b79033a9ddb8e059fb5d76c5a2e22f8f2187a353a0ecbf46c43181302957e084804168ac11e04c1a8a" }

Last Notes

2026-05-20 06:17:51 UTC

well it looks like we're really going to be giving the world an honest look at america for the world cup
the only public transit to get to the stadium surrounded in a wasteland of highways and carparks is a shitty train that costs $98 (it was $150 but corporate sponsors helped lower the price wow yay), i mean tickets for the football games themselves are far too insanely priced for basically anyone to afford
the area around the stadium has been destroyed by toxic waste and it's waterways have had some of the highest concentrations of the organic methylmercury like ever recorded, they've agreed to start cleaning it up soon (wow yay) after lawsuits resulted in about the same amount going to cleanup as to legal fees
pedestrian access is practically impossible as the roads to it don't even have sidewalks, but their blocking off all pedestrian access to the stadium just in case, the area around the stadium literally looks like it was bombed
oh and i'm sure the games are going to be stuffed to the brim with ads for polymarket and kalshi
the only real infrastructure built for this is a footbridge from the carpark of the stadium to the carpark of a nearby mall
the "american dream" mall
I couldn't have written it better myself. Anyone who comes here and sees the signs at the airport that say "Immigrations & Customs Enforcement Welcomes You!" is going to really get to see the state of this absolutely glorious country.
All I end with is the pledge they make everyone recite, every day, in elementary and middle school, that I still have scrawled into my memory:
> I pledge allegiance, to the flag, of the United States of America, and to the republic, for which it stands, one nation, under god, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

2026-05-10 09:24:54 UTC

I haven’t heard of anyone building a giant life size Nether Portal right on the border between Belgium and the Netherlands and I think this is a missed opportunity that should be done

2026-04-23 21:31:48 UTC

You know sometimes I feel like despite all the things I’ve totally fucked up, I’m like, alright. It’s alright. I’m okay.
https://hexokina.se/files/webpublic-49e610f2-78a5-4373-86c0-b109f02f9cf9.webp

2026-04-22 22:11:43 UTC

- reply

I mean there’s nothing stopping you but if you actively hate them they already weren’t going to get you
with how glorified the military is in US culture, a lot of kids see someone who is recruiting for an opportunity, and bonus points if you don’t have the money for uni or can be sold that is a way out
if you see them as actively hostile than good you’re correct and they’re not going to pester you if you make that clear, but it’s not even just right-wing people who don’t see them as hostile, who don’t see their job as tricking you into going into the army and risking dying in whatever stupid war we cooked up this time
my brother, who isn’t as lefty as I am but is definitely not right-wing came home from school one day having talked to the recruiter about all the awesome cool things he could do for his country, and we all had to explain to him that that’s not how it works and their literal job is to manipulate you
you can tell them to fuck off if you want to, but anyone who has bought into the slightest bit of the pro-military part of our culture, who is really worried about how to go to college when they don’t have the money for it, or who just feels like the world isn’t giving them opportunities or ways forward, they won’t tell them to fuck off
I never heard of anyone telling them to fuck off at our pretty-progressive school. It was just totally normal, I don’t know of anyone protesting it since they legally have to be allowed to set up there. You barely noticed them until either you got unlucky and they tried to talk to you or your eyes happened to glance the kids wandering over to the table to “chat”
This is totally normal, at least for an inner city high school that had its fair share of not-exactly-well-off kids

2026-04-22 21:49:01 UTC

- reply

yeah…. it’s kinda crazy how just completely normalized it is at that

2026-04-20 22:44:49 UTC

damn it knows
https://hexokina.se/files/bb4a87cf-6417-40ea-8680-25355a7fc5aa.webp

2026-04-04 01:40:51 UTC

#note1ed0…9zkq

2026-04-02 12:46:25 UTC

<— she is gorl :3 :celeste_hearts_transfem:

2026-03-29 07:08:02 UTC

looks over at how many of my enby friends are public transit nerds….
no no, they have a point
#note106x…fx3k

2026-03-21 00:47:41 UTC

great quote from an old cern talk :3
https://hexokina.se/files/a70bc26a-f3d7-4e27-825b-daf5d922eb7d.webp

2026-03-19 01:47:06 UTC

You can’t spell meow without me :neocat:
You can’t spell meow without eo 어
You can’t spell meow without ow :neocat_flop_blep: ⚾

2026-03-11 08:26:46 UTC

I was walking downstairs to go back to the eng building to get my charger I left there (oopsies).
I was thinking about something, a thought that had been gradually forming over the last several days, that I wasn’t really willing to look at.
Transitioning isn’t like other stuff that I’ve done. Normally if you want to do something major you have to have real confidence that you’ll be able to do it. I did at first when my egg cracked. Then I got hit with the reality of a shitty transphobic family, HRT not magically turning you into a cute girl by 3mo, and the fact that just in general shit is really fucking hard.
Normally if you want to do something major you have to be okay with things repeatedly going sideways. I’ve been really quite afraid of that.
Normally I’ve felt like I really don’t have much room for error. Partly that’s because I do things that don’t leave room for error. I do that because excess room for error is opportunity you’re passing by and taking it easy. Doing something easy, with lots of room for error, just seems wrong to me when you could be doing something much more valuable with just enough room for error to keep things safe and not too risky. I don’t have room for error.
I didn’t even really notice it but I’ve been applying all these general rules to transitioning. I’ve been treating it like something I have to have confidence I can do, with little room for error, and where mishaps are alright.
I haven’t had nearly the confidence for that, and even now I don’t think I do?
But…… I don’t have to………
I don’t have to have confidence I can present female because I can just work towards that goal. I can mess up, I can (and undoubtedly will) look like the biggest dumbest idiot a lot because that’s part of working towards my goals. Mishaps really are alright, as long as I don’t hurt anyone, it’s okay to fumble as I try to work towards the goal of not being a boy.
I’ve been so deathly afraid of doing more than fucking just HRT and not cutting my hair for more than one reason, but a lot of it is that I feel like I’m just not able to do it right. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who knows less about clothes and shit than I do.
But like…… I don’t have to live up to any standard other than… just working towards being who I really am……
Aww, I’m starting to tear up now. E has made my emotions more salient which means a lot to me.
I have felt confident that I can really live life not as a boy— when some of my amazing friends have told me I can.
Maybe I don’t need to cast off their confidence in favor of some kind of standard I don’t feel I meet. Maybe, just maybe, I need to go the other way around.

2026-03-10 22:38:34 UTC

This library is fucked
> install library
> seems okay
> "Error: file is not a database"
> nervously opens database file
>
> the SQLite database file is actually the HTML code of the Dropbox 404 page

2026-03-10 02:56:31 UTC

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK I PUT MY PHONE WITH SOME WATER ON THE SCREEN INTO MY POCKET AND IT ALMOST SENT THE LYRICS TO SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN TO MY FRIEND
“hehe whoops sorry i sent you that I wasn’t flirting i promise” :neocat_flag_bi:
https://hexokina.se/files/e79004c7-2fc7-482d-bb43-eeeec12e7da1.webp

2026-03-04 18:39:47 UTC

Cisco sucks where’s Transco at

2026-02-26 18:53:22 UTC

https://hexokina.se/files/96a20177-4361-4389-9ab4-126303f8607d.webp

2026-02-26 16:01:24 UTC

oh lordy
#note1em9…20fm

2026-02-23 18:49:41 UTC

- reply

for those who might be from other countries and don't know just how screwed up the recruiting system we have is
All public schools are mandated to allow military recruiters to just walk in whenever they want and talk to kids
In my high school there was a recruiter every day in the cafeteria right by the line for food, every so often just going to get your lunch was enough for a military recruiter to try and talk to you
and ofc they just lie about everything
but yeah every day in the cafeteria there was a military recruiter watching over us, looking for anyone desperate who they could try and go talk with
I'm not on insta or tiktok or anything like that but I've heard about (and seen) so so many military recruiting things that are either like "want to go travel? join the military" or (more commonly) after you've been scrolling tiktok feeling lonely they're like "are you feeling lonely? are you feeling worthless? JOIN THE US MILITARY ITS THE ONLY WAY TO BE SOMETHING"
tho half the time they're set to obviously anti-war songs lol

2026-02-23 18:40:14 UTC

the army recruiters emailed everyone at our university
The subject was saying that they will help with your future and also that 8AM class you have (???)
The actual content was basically like "so you have student debt and no motivation well just join the military"
They literally called it a "hobby" :ElainaCringe:
the email was signed "Your Friendly Neighborhood Army Recruiter"
and then ended it with a quote from.... Yoda
:ElainaBruh: ah yes the US military is basically the rebel alliance :rebelverified:
what a sick joke of a country this is

2026-02-23 16:19:15 UTC

Dutch phonetic alphabet be like:
Arnhem
Bad Bentheim (This train ends here, please find an alternate route)
Centraal (in a low hushed voice, this is a place to fear)
Deventer
Een serieus probleem
Friets
Gouda
‘s-Hertogenbosch :neocat_evil_3c:
…

2026-02-21 06:26:29 UTC

this was going to be CW’d us vs no tax
but that looks like 🚫tax not 🇳🇴tax
#note1wkd…vz7x

2026-02-20 06:36:50 UTC

I have hope, screw it
I might have bunged stuff up, and that stuff might have been my life, but this isn’t the first time
I can be an entity who contributes, an entity who can be happy, and really just an entity who can be okay with itself
I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like something hopeless, something that only takes, hiding from a world I believe rightly wants nothing of me, seeing myself as something who’s mere presence is a form of harm.
It’s hard to admit how bad I am sometimes. I still sometimes don’t go to class just because I feel like I’d somehow ruin things just by being there. Hide from my own amazing friends I actually want to talk with. Often I won’t even listen to music I really like because I don’t feel like I deserve to.
But that’s all a bit silly. A not-insignificant part of how I’ve bunged up my life is from hiding and thinking like that.
Yeah, I’ve fucked up a whole lot of things. But I’m still here, and I still have hope. I don’t need to hide or wait.
I have to figure out how to function (functionally), I have to figure out how to transition (beyond just e), I have to figure out how to get grades that aren’t absolute shit (sigh)
But it’s not hopeless; I’m not too far gone. I’m still here. I still have hope.
I can move forward.

2026-02-19 07:26:09 UTC

cons of being cough-y: basically everything
pros of being cough-y: I coughed while an E pill was dissolving in my mouth so aerosolized estrogen should be spreading throughout the buildings HVAC system, I can contribute to the trans agenda

2026-02-18 17:36:54 UTC

yeah yeah I know about drum and bass but have you considered rum and ass

2026-02-17 05:05:55 UTC

> I used to be a Microsoft fanboy, but then I stopped being a Microsoft fan, and then I stopped being a boy
is still the greatest quote of all time
(it was on the yascast)

2026-02-16 23:09:36 UTC

- reply

Grazie :floofHeart:

2026-02-16 23:09:04 UTC

- reply

:neocat_melt_sob: oops

2026-02-16 20:12:28 UTC

I miei corsi di fisica sono dificile :puniko_sigh:

2026-02-14 17:34:26 UTC

- reply

I thought lidl would be the preferred one :neocat_3c:

2026-02-13 18:55:16 UTC

Fallback Link: https://hexokina.se/notes/aionj1ncr8l9uykv
#note1rur…0qhw

2026-02-12 18:01:04 UTC

Here’s a little story. Back when I was doing CS stuff instead of physics, I was presenting a malware detection model I had come up with. I'm still kinda proud of it, it's derived from like functional programming theory and showed some promise.
> A guy who works at facebook listens to me explain it and asks a very good question. I had a big dataset of malware samples, which I divided into training and test samples. He asked if because malware is often derived from other malware, these two sets are not entirely independent. There's a chance that some of the malware in the test set was a small variation on malware in the training set, which would "leak data". The model could just memorize that example in the training set and on the test set it would recognize and it and would look like wow it generalizes.
> I didn't really have a great answer for that, I had done some sorting with the way the samples were tagged but this was a real problem. I did have some other signs of generalization though. He still thought it was a cool project, and I thanked him for making such a good point I had totally missed.
That's how it used to work. Data leakage was a problem, it was a thing that would mislead you. It was a sneaky way models appear better-performing than they really are, and it was something to be very careful of.
Now the LLM folk are training giant models on the entire internet and claiming some world-changing generalization when they recreate things that already exist on the internet.
It's all just data leakage. Of course LLMs have some capacity for generalization, but that capacity is nothing in comparison to their capacity to just compress information that exists out on the internet.
The hype, absurd amounts of capital, and callous disregard of law and ethics that surrounds LLMs is not based on their capacity to generalize. It's based around an entire industry and their investors making galactically more egregious versions of the same mistake I made.
LLMs are extremely inefficient adaptive compression algorithms, indexed via natural language input and capable of interpolating.
They are systems that maximize data leakage, because a failure that makes a model look better than it really is turns out to be a fantastic way to get investment.
They are the most resource-inefficient con ever devised. A model will look more impressive the more it leaks. So make it leak everything. Every book ever written, every GitHub repo, every screenplay, every painting, every art piece uploaded to the internet, every blog post, every tweet, every reddit post, every documentation page, every website, everything.
We launder the world, at the expense of the world.
I don't think I've ever seen such a perfectly evil dystopian sci-fi premise, so give the LLMs one point for beating humans at that.
#note1vt8…2d6f

2026-02-12 17:26:06 UTC

hot take: Claude Code being able to spit out a (very shitty) C compiler is not that impressive at all.
Did they exclude all C compilers from it's training set? No?
So you compressed a bunch of a existing code, including C compilers, into a multibillion parameter vector, and then were able to recover enough to construct (through trial-and-error) a functional-ish C compiler.
And it cost $20.000, just for the recovery part, in credits priced by a company that is burning cash at an insane rate
Not to mention that really a C compiler is not that complicated a thing to make, it's just a whole lot of mappings between constructs in C and assembly. Building a *good* C compiler is very hard of course. (They did NOT do this)
But sure, go ahead and write a dumb blog post with a vague and ominous ending about how scary this is we basically made jarvis or whatever.

2026-02-11 04:18:09 UTC

The next station is Southwark
Change for the gay, trans, and asexual lines, and femboywife rail services

2026-02-10 04:49:17 UTC

#note1hrc…8h8e

2026-01-30 05:38:58 UTC

i do really hope we can get supersonic passenger flight sometime eventually
it's just wild

2026-01-29 04:37:06 UTC

I’ve never heard of this before that is absolutely genius :neocat_hyper:
https://hexokina.se/files/578e2d65-fbc5-44b9-8b6e-a52d50deff0b.webp

2026-01-25 17:14:57 UTC

Assume a spherical cow is doing a perfect job of vacuuming

2026-01-22 00:00:36 UTC

- reply

`git push --force-with-leash`

2026-01-20 19:04:58 UTC

hello there.
it's me - the only Fediverse user. all this time i was creating an illusion of a striving federated social media, but in reality, it was just me.
to prove this, i'm going to put it in the proving drawer, then post this message from all accounts on Fediverse

2026-01-19 07:25:28 UTC

it’s so goofy that anime makes me feel inadequate
they’re like ohh good job twelve year old prince winning over a magic sword and learning alchemy and saving the village and I’m just like wehhhh I’m such a loser I’m twenty already and I don’t havent even learned to use any normal swords

2026-01-18 02:38:47 UTC

- reply

oui oui le France 🇫🇷 🥖 while you were away I was studying ze blade 🗡️ hon hon I built trois châtaeux 🏰et un centrale nucléaire ☢️ and went to un protest after pissing on zese streets built in deuxième siècle ze market is that way and all ze stands pack up two hours early, un Saucisson 🥩?

2026-01-18 01:16:25 UTC

this is the dumbest anime of all time
why am I still watching it

2026-01-18 01:04:21 UTC

why does the ANSA website suck so badly :puniko_sigh:

2026-01-17 16:14:25 UTC

me when I follow the rules
https://hexokina.se/files/0f8efaad-0a34-407b-a0a3-562a0069839c.webp

2026-01-16 15:30:04 UTC

For those who don’t know them:
(I have a feeling fedifolk might appreciate train 音MAD channels lol)
https://youtu.be/ZGIvoet7Rh4?si=Uh5e1ijEjTodSR_Z
#note1gvf…dvs8

2026-01-16 15:25:09 UTC

OMG NEW ろっかん VIDEO :neocat_floof_happy:

2026-01-15 17:34:48 UTC

hehehe the stingray detector is operational :neocat_floof_mug:
<small>this is just a test event tbc</small>
https://hexokina.se/files/021a7d8b-dd1a-4ef1-b32e-c95804736bc0.webp

2026-01-02 23:39:41 UTC

I’m not saying I have a free use kink but if a cute entity just picked me up and did whatever they wanted with my helpless obidient body I ok maybe I kinda do,,,,

2026-01-02 23:29:20 UTC

this probably counts as #Fensterfreitag #WindowFriday #photo #photography
(view out the window of the Montréal REM, Île-des-Sœurs à Gare Centrale)
https://hexokina.se/files/webpublic-1550812f-1b91-40cf-aca6-8977015b832d.webp

2026-01-02 03:27:04 UTC

I wanted to fold this a chocolate wrapper into a 2D fox sleeping, it ain’t much but it’s honest work
https://hexokina.se/files/webpublic-63dc6ef3-dd05-4178-9f4b-c64a92919c24.webp

2025-12-31 15:55:16 UTC

Dov’è il mio pranzo :ElainaSad:

2025-12-30 22:40:50 UTC

choker with a REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT tag dangling off it,,,, when you pull it off it tightens the choker so much you can’t really talk,,,,,,,

2025-12-30 20:26:27 UTC

no actually, that domain doesn’t exist!
https://hexokina.se/files/f6c4e91f-c984-402d-bdcd-b0557ef0df7c.webp

2025-12-29 23:34:54 UTC

- reply

Step 1: :neocat_reach:
Step 2: :boiled_pizza:
Step 3: :neocat_nom_pizza:

2025-12-22 18:09:46 UTC

Yes, I’m aware I’m very much living up to the stereotype hypothetically fucking with an airport security camera by accident while I was bored
https://hexokina.se/files/e400c087-4a6f-4b0b-8fc2-4b227b4296b6.webp
#note1pgw…2j90

2025-12-22 18:05:19 UTC

that moment when you find a random unsecured webcam but it’s really blurry :Elaina:
so u fix the focus and it slowly comes into view that IT’S A FUMKIN AIRPORT :neocat_floof_explode:
truly the west end has nothing on the security theatre :NepSmug4:

2025-12-20 05:45:59 UTC

GitHub doooooooooown :aneobot_cylon:
https://hexokina.se/files/cfff3241-3a63-493e-87f3-57eafa351e90.webp

2025-12-18 17:23:05 UTC

Would the air traffic like ACARS messages refer to a passenger from Rome as “PAX ROMANA”? :neocat_3c:

2025-12-18 07:55:48 UTC

There is one thing I am hoping to see with E over like the next month or so, tho ofc we’ll see if this actually happens. (Basically all the other major E things I want also it’s just this is a faster onset thing as far as I know?).
I want to cry. I cried a lot as a kid, and since puberty all I can do is just kind of cry but it’s not the same an it’s dysphoric as hell. I went a bit crazy when I heard about E making folks more emotional and crying more. I want to be able to feel, and I want to be able to cry.
We’ll see if this happens ig, point is I look forward for the emotional changes, whenever they come.
<small>why did this take me so long lol. im glad im doing it now</small>

2025-12-18 06:48:37 UTC

it’s official. there is a certain pill dissolving under my tongue as I type this. I’m so glad I’m finally doing this. :blobhaj_flag_transgender:
$[x2 :you_are_now_on_estrogen:]

2025-12-17 23:50:07 UTC

- reply

update: wahee cvs came though in the end
:estrogen-estro: obtained
I still had to end up paying a bit more money, but it was fine.
*excited girl noises*

2025-12-17 22:49:14 UTC

why CVS why
I just want to start getting titties in 8-12 months (and a buncha other stuff)

2025-12-17 16:01:04 UTC

> Become premium user: ddownload
who up ddownloading they premium user
#note1pa6…lpjf

2025-12-17 06:46:31 UTC

“Can I help you?”, one of the employees at the station asked. He had been standing there for quite a while, watching me stare off in the distance, almost paralyzed. I felt bad that my actions, or perhaps my lack thereof, had led to him standing out in the pouring rain. “Sorry, I am okay”. As he walked away, I could see a train in the distance coming. It wasn’t slowing down, not many trains called here. I was anxious. I couldn’t wait for it to pass us by. I didn’t know why. I had no reason to care when this random train, with its white corrugated body and diminutive size, would roll right past this tiny station.
Yet I was anxious. I could feel the fibres of my being pulled on as I simply needed these 3 cars to pass me by. This rural station was silent, but my consciousness was begging for it to scream by.
Why? Because a train that is stopped is a train I could get on. This was where I wanted to be, in a small village on a nice lake, that trains would just pass by.
Why was I nervous? Why did the time I happened to sit here and a train did stop excite me?
These are messy questions, I suppose. But there I was, my being in a liminal space, my body on a platform. A platform is a kind of liminal space too, it is the in-between world between stasis and motion. A strip that in an ideal world you would just walk right through. But in our world, they ensnare people for a while.
I wasn’t here to get anywhere, or to see anything. I was here to go nowhere and to see nothing. All I want to see is a blur as train after train blasts past us at the new line speed of 180 km/h.
There are people, so many people, who are just like me and live happily here. It would make everything so much easier if I was just one of them. But here I am, neither in the town nor leaving it.
The railway employee comes up to me again “What are you waiting for?” I don’t know how to answer. I cannot just stay in the town no matter how hard I pretend I can. The only place I can stay is here, not leaving the city, not within it. I’m not waiting for anything.
This is where I am, I do not wait here. To stand here is an act of deference. The maybe half dozen other folk from this city who stand on the platform are simply deferring the action of taking a train. I defer myself, perhaps.
This tiny, run-down train station, well-hidden amongst this massive metropolis is where life just takes me. To the platform, staring at the line and counting down until the train—a possible decision—will fly past me.
The employee looks worried. Sincere. As I gaze out on the tracks, I give him the only sound answer I can think of: “To die.”
A loud screech rings throughout the station. My ears are in pain, and the rest of my body quickly gains its own cocktail of horrifying sensations to accompany them. My whole body is burning and the flame that propogates is the realization of what a screeching train means, coursing through my nerves.
The train comes to a stop, and the wide doors slide open.

2025-12-17 02:30:19 UTC

Dammit I can’t get E :estrogen-estro: yet because the insurance I have isn’t friends with the pharmacy I put down and so I have to the call pharmacy they’re friends with tomorrow (they’re closed rn) and then hopefully I can get it from them…. before I have to leave for break in 1.5 days :neocat_this_is_fine:
ofc at first they just told me I could just pay more money than I have in my bank account they always give you that option as the default
(nobody even mentioned this being a possibility lol, guess in the past I’ve just gotten lucky picking a pharmacy)
The university health ppl actually have a good system for it but the US healthcare system could not stand by while someone doesn’t get at least a little screwed over :neocat_pensive:

2025-12-16 20:50:20 UTC

why does the first thing I see on LinkedIn always make me want to commit arson
https://hexokina.se/files/8df35369-fb81-4f1b-b897-ce689c6dfa9f.webp

2025-12-16 20:48:33 UTC

I miss when vibe coding meant someone connected a vibrator to an arduino

2025-12-15 21:17:32 UTC

- reply

Ok turns out I gotta go back tomorrow and sign some stuff before I can get the skittles themselves but part 1 completed :menherahatthumbs:
thanks fedi for being so supportive and nice :menherathunk:
(and thanks uni health ppl for being chill and understanding and having a decent process for this)

2025-12-15 19:34:00 UTC

:v_est: preliminary hrt appt thingy in half an hour
listening to celeste music and just reflecting on everything
whats to come and the fact that i might just have a way forward and a way I can actually live :celeste_hearts_trans:
i might have spent the past year and a bit just learning that no, I really can’t keep going like this
but now I know :blobhaj_heart_trans:

2025-12-15 07:33:22 UTC

I am so very excited to get my 🇮🇹 passport around the end of the year
Three semesters of uni and then I will be in grad school hopefully…. and really probably will not be doing so in the US

2025-12-15 05:23:45 UTC

#silentsunday #sunset
https://hexokina.se/files/webpublic-94c52590-0e11-47f3-a27c-d73d155df8ab.webp

2025-12-13 02:00:56 UTC

hehehe ALL THE custom emojis i am UNSTOPPABLE :neocat_floof_mug: :neofox_3c: :v_est: :menherawave: :bi_fedi: :neobot_train_wagon: :neopossum_this_is_fine: :floofLol: :v_trans: :ne: :loading: :nkoLove:

2025-12-12 21:44:33 UTC

What's this?? A new instance named after the enzyme that traps glucose inside cells?
boost for federation, it's definitely not a trap