Xenotime, Librarian of Æther :trans_fedi: on Nostr: I was walking downstairs to go back to the eng building to get my charger I left ...

I was walking downstairs to go back to the eng building to get my charger I left there (oopsies).

I was thinking about something, a thought that had been gradually forming over the last several days, that I wasn’t really willing to look at.

Transitioning isn’t like other stuff that I’ve done. Normally if you want to do something major you have to have real confidence that you’ll be able to do it. I did at first when my egg cracked. Then I got hit with the reality of a shitty transphobic family, HRT not magically turning you into a cute girl by 3mo, and the fact that just in general shit is really fucking hard.

Normally if you want to do something major you have to be okay with things repeatedly going sideways. I’ve been really quite afraid of that.

Normally I’ve felt like I really don’t have much room for error. Partly that’s because I do things that don’t leave room for error. I do that because excess room for error is opportunity you’re passing by and taking it easy. Doing something easy, with lots of room for error, just seems wrong to me when you could be doing something much more valuable with just enough room for error to keep things safe and not too risky. I don’t have room for error.

I didn’t even really notice it but I’ve been applying all these general rules to transitioning. I’ve been treating it like something I have to have confidence I can do, with little room for error, and where mishaps are alright.

I haven’t had nearly the confidence for that, and even now I don’t think I do?

But…… I don’t have to………

I don’t have to have confidence I can present female because I can just work towards that goal. I can mess up, I can (and undoubtedly will) look like the biggest dumbest idiot a lot because that’s part of working towards my goals. Mishaps really are alright, as long as I don’t hurt anyone, it’s okay to fumble as I try to work towards the goal of not being a boy.

I’ve been so deathly afraid of doing more than fucking just HRT and not cutting my hair for more than one reason, but a lot of it is that I feel like I’m just not able to do it right. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who knows less about clothes and shit than I do.

But like…… I don’t have to live up to any standard other than… just working towards being who I really am……

Aww, I’m starting to tear up now. E has made my emotions more salient which means a lot to me.

I have felt confident that I can really live life not as a boy— when some of my amazing friends have told me I can.

Maybe I don’t need to cast off their confidence in favor of some kind of standard I don’t feel I meet. Maybe, just maybe, I need to go the other way around.