The Turtle

The king of antisocial media. Blow yourself.

Stop having human babies before I find and shame the living fuck out of you. I am a big fan of hammers. No longer a tech addict and mostly militantly don't give a shit.

Public Key

npub1jql2k88gt2g260qgastrld3z4k03wx20gxwsq6s70ru0m3dt8hrqtqqw3q

NIP-05 Address

the_turtle_at_mastodon.sdf.org@mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsfq04trn594y9d8sywc93lkc32m8chr985r8gqdg08378ack4nm3spp4mhxue69uhkummn9ekx7mqpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduv8c8k0

Publishing to

nos.lol

relay.damus.io

Author Public Key

npub1jql2k88gt2g260qgastrld3z4k03wx20gxwsq6s70ru0m3dt8hrqtqqw3q

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Last Notes

2024-09-10 12:03:21

Companies regard support as an expense to be minimized, and it bites them in the ass. They almost always hire the LEAST capable and skilled staff to resolve things, when they should have at least a few genuine wizards. Some script-reading guy in Mumbai named "Jeff" gets blown away when the script doesn't work. You need someone who doesn't need a script.
Right now I'm dealing with three different (wrong) approaches to support, which is in this thread.
#support

2024-09-08 13:10:59

Dear All Seafood Places;
"Clam strips" are not clams, any more than chicken chunks are "boneless wings."
Please take that fake rubbery Howard Johnson's shit off your menu.

2024-09-02 21:22:08

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20 minutes later, and they're still talking about WEATHER THAT DOES NOT EXIST.

2024-09-02 21:14:32

Weather Channel: THERE ARE NO FUCKING HURRICANES!
EAT SHIT.

2024-08-19 21:30:20

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@npub1f2z…kh0y the IRS and the cops basically show up in person. It gives them something to do.

2024-08-19 21:23:52

Currently keeping Verizon occupied.
An hour ago, the only channel I'm interested in watching failed, with perpetual timeouts. Next to the RETRY button, there's a REPORT button.
I have pressed it more than 50 times. In the app on my phone, I was getting alerts telling me my ticket has an update that's waiting for a reply. I go to the place for tickets. It says I have no tickets. Not even "closed."
They just fucking threw them away.
Did I mention their support staff gives free rimjobs?

2024-08-17 11:12:07

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@npub14c2…umaq He looks like he's explaining to your cat how to save 15% on car insurance.

2024-08-03 01:27:59

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@npub1a50…rssy indoor bike-oid.
I own an Aventon eBike.
I own a 1994 Trek multitrack 700.
Indoor bikes can eat shit.
Sorry if I am abrupt.
Pseudo-bikes suck shit at a high throughput.

2024-08-02 14:46:28

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@npub1qn5…s5r8 she and William Powell are on Turner Classic today.

2024-08-02 12:21:41

"Ladies and gentleman, the biggest name in Olympic sports! Here she is, Fatemeh Mojallaltopraghghale!!l

2024-08-02 12:03:20

If this is the case, the "next generation of GOP voters" is fuk't.
https://lite.cnn.com/2024/08/02/politics/jd-vance-senate-test/index.html

2024-08-02 11:22:54

Currently watching rowing. I had never realized all the powerhouses in rowing... in Africa.
Isn't Sudan landlocked?

2024-08-02 11:21:43

"Well, you'll dance off both your shoes,
When they play the 'Shithole Blues,'
Every Friday night at the Trump Ratfuckers Ball..."

2024-08-02 10:57:38

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@npub14c2…umaq "PLEASE INSERT 25 CENTS FOR THE NEXT THREE MINUTES."

2024-08-02 10:55:29

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@npub1y0k…dhyh he is incredibly stupid and wrong. He must have actually listened to all those "chilllldren are our fyuuuuuuuture" public service ads.
Children fucked their own future by being born.

2024-08-02 10:51:51

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@npub1ru9…968g they take care of themselves pretty well. Just don't give them aromatic herbs.

2024-08-02 10:49:45

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@npub1y0k…dhyh i watch that stock quote probably every day or so. It's been dropping like a pet rock. Every dollar it falls means over $110 million he won't get when he can finally legally dump the stock in October.

2024-08-02 01:16:05

If your reflex is to call 911, stop having that reflex. 911 will send cops, and cops will kill you or whoever you're concerned about. Call anyone else. Call Little Caesar's. Call your co-worker. Call Santa.
Do not call 911.
Cops will kill you.
https://lite.cnn.com/2024/08/01/us/sonya-massey-mental-health-911-calls/index.html

2024-08-02 01:02:10

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@npub1y0k…dhyh i am not influenced.

2024-08-01 21:05:19

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@npub1y0k…dhyh pillow guys just feels left out because all his supposed buddies got sued for defamation and lost, so he's itching to lose, too.

2024-08-01 20:20:02

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@npub1y0k…dhyh Ok. That will be a challenge.

2024-08-01 20:17:48

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@npub1y0k…dhyh side question: did they ask if they also wanted somebody less goofy and unstable?

2024-08-01 20:15:08

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@npub1jwz…d2ah you kids and your fancy color television. All I had was this and some crayons.
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/888/592/560/612/698/original/1c1e7a5a735bc58e.jpg

2024-08-01 20:09:09

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@npub1y0k…dhyh i haven't posted this one in a while.
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/888/570/250/663/597/original/31a04e4674072098.jpg

2024-08-01 20:06:35

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@npub1y0k…dhyh watch, he'll claim he got Britney Griner "back." Uh, no, sir, you were unemployed in 2022.

2024-08-01 19:20:48

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@npub1y0k…dhyh i swear, he'll eventually blame Kamala because he didn't get picked as hall monitor in fourth grade.

2024-08-01 19:19:53

Banana
Nana nana
Nana
Poker face

2024-08-01 16:53:06

When Bobby Lounge put this shirt up on his website years ago, I bought it immediately. Now it's only available as a poster.
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/887/800/573/081/507/original/d910fa61cc57d30c.gif

2024-08-01 16:27:13

Reminder: in any song that uses the word "summertime," you can replace it with "Donkey Kong"
and it will be much better.

2024-08-01 16:16:48

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@npub1dgs…nfw8 Blah. The smoke is toxic and smells like what you get when you burn tent caterpillars out. Not recommended.

2024-08-01 15:46:23

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And then the golf is delayed due to weather.
I am not gonna fucking watch tennis.
They've got tournaments all the goddamn time that take weeks to get done. Fuck tennis. Golf at least gets their shit done in four days.
#olympics

2024-08-01 15:13:06

They've abandoned the sailing again today, so back to looking at long landscape shots of Marseille.
#olympics

2024-08-01 14:34:05

This article never really explains what they're being "certified" for. They sort of hint at safety concerns but not actually for Toyota. So, what are they being "certified" for?
https://lite.cnn.com/2024/07/31/cars/japan-reforms-toyota-certification-violations-hnk-intl/index.html

2024-08-01 14:28:55

Fucking leaf-blowers.

2024-08-01 14:08:59

Yeah. This is the stuff government is good at. Having seen what solar can provide, I have no problem spending tax money on this.
Also note: this is the stuff Trump would get rid of. I mean, poor people have to be penalized, right?
Historic note: one of the first things Reagan did when he took over the White House in 1981 was take down the solar panels Jimmy Carter installed.
In 2000, GWBush openly mocked Al Gore over rooftop solar.
https://text.npr.org/g-s1-8152

2024-08-01 13:23:04

Overnight I figured out where CBC puts all the commercials. Race-walking!
I watched the men's final this morning (Eastern time) at 2-3AM, and in the span of a little less than an hour, they ran 53 commercials. Every seven minutes, nine or ten ads. At 2AM. Not all of them were full 30sec ads, but 53.
By contrast, I'm watching sailing at 9am and they go 20 or 30 minutes without a single ad. And when there's no action, like now, the commentators shut up and they show the French seacoast.

2024-08-01 13:17:03

I can't wait for Republicans to whine that "Democrats are calling us names."
I've been calling them... names... for decades.

2024-08-01 01:40:45

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@npub1yl8…8hcm would that big metal hoop make a decent antenna?

2024-08-01 01:36:00

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@npub1dgs…nfw8 plausible AI sermon:
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/884/194/951/235/848/original/8fb0acfd4c4c1b91.jpg

2024-07-31 22:15:13

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@npub18lj…80hq I often wonder why some people exist.

2024-07-31 22:09:15

Yeah, he stuck his dick in a light socket. Black guys won't dare vote for him because they will get The Look.
https://lite.cnn.com/2024/07/31/politics/donald-trump-kamala-harris-black-nabj/index.html

2024-06-28 17:17:20

"It's Madison Time! Hit it!!"
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DcBkoVJ1vOQ

2024-06-28 17:06:35

Things I discourage:
Having human babies (you've heard this many times)
"Flushable" wipes (they are not. Ever. Not.)
Live-tweeting awards shows
Spitting chewed gum anywhere but the trash
"Boneless wings" (they're chicken chunks)
Having sex with Republicans
Most of Alton Brown's recipes
Plastic bassoon reeds except for marching band
Pauly Shore movies
Going to Russia

2024-06-21 20:03:19

I'm bored, so here's a catbutt.
#catsofmastodon
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/656/394/801/822/043/original/471ddd5c8a034a38.jpg

2024-05-29 20:28:39

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@npub1yeu…dxcx one of the maddening things is when people describe how the system works, but that doesn't align with how the actual client actually works in the actual world.

2024-05-20 01:32:23

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@npub1wkc…k7pq
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/470/834/738/485/866/original/9949a7b4efa9cc88.jpg

2024-05-20 00:23:15

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@npub1k9q…j0yn I have more hair than Bannon, and I am not a fucking moe-ron.

2024-05-20 00:17:50

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@npub1f5g…rhpj WinAmp really whips the llama's ass.

2024-05-20 00:15:50

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@npub1r4a…u3k7 ...not even waffles?

2024-05-20 00:14:06

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@npub1jwz…d2ah what was that thing George Carlin used to say...
"If Janitor-In-A-Drum made a douche, no one would buy it."

2024-05-19 14:27:42

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I'd like to hear the experiences of people who've grown up in the intervening years. In the mid-1960s, it was wall-to-wall buzzcut jocks from the 1940s, with one notable exception, who we never got to have once we hit 3rd or 4th grade, though she was really good and knew how to teach all the things the jocks and jockettes did not seem to.

2024-05-19 14:13:37

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@npub1sy5…q5ss problem is, commercial lawn services never buy Black and Decker because it's not durable enough, so the mooing of the leaf blowers will continue.

2024-05-19 14:10:22

Has grade-school "physical education" improved at all in the last 50 or 60 years?
Or it still some jock who never actually "educates" students in the basics of movement, in the rules and fundamentals of group sports, or in individual lifetime athletic activities? Who engages in body shaming and ignores students who aren't nascent jocks?
This is a genuine question.

2024-05-19 14:05:32

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@npub1y0k…dhyh it's been that way for 40 years: guy comes home, kills his wife and multiple children, then kills himself.
Man, just jump to the ending, and leave everybody else out of your fucked-up movie.

2024-05-18 23:36:27

Developers in the 1990s, you almost certainly had some whiner complain "this isn't very user-frieeeeeendlyyyyy..."
In the back of my head, I always thought, "well, we could use some friendly users. You guys are assholes."

2024-05-18 23:08:08

Those horses horsed pretty good. Some are now a bit muddy.
Now off to another channel.
Fuck you, Tirico.

2024-05-18 23:05:35

Ok, is now safe to listen to the horse race.
They are horsing now. There will be several muddy horses.

2024-05-18 23:03:43

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@npub17p8…sw24 now it's nicely redistributed to lots of gaffers, production assistants, caterers and lots of other people.
It's not like he wiped his ass with it and threw it off a cliff, unlike "crypto."

2024-05-18 23:00:33

As usual, "post time" is complete horseshit.
Fuck you, NBC.
And Tirico, suck my ass.

2024-05-18 21:34:17

Sort of.
Mostly the underlying problem is "too many goddamn people," with a side order of "asshole flippers."
https://text.npr.org/1246623204

2024-05-18 21:13:34

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@npub17p8…sw24 it was his money.

2024-05-18 20:53:18

This catnip is extremely beefy.
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/464/073/581/949/185/original/78af417824ac807f.jpg

2024-05-18 20:10:02

WARNING: HORSES ARE GOING TO HORSE LATER.

2024-05-18 20:05:18

Oh, that's right, it's still 1937 in Kansas.
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/463/882/567/221/222/original/c81813d9f011ae10.png

2024-05-18 19:54:44

When you ask a fairly young person what they do (specifically NOT where they work, which is unrelated) you are very likely to get a story that starts with the fatal four characters:
"ess" "oh" "comma" "space"
No good story has ever started with "so, "
Before I retired, if people asked me what I "did," I'd first ask them, "you mean, what do I do for money?"
Since that was almost always the case, I'd say simply,
I fuck with computers;
They pay me;
I keep showing up.

2024-05-18 19:48:08

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@npub17p8…sw24 if it provided employment to a lot of people in the film industry, it wasn't a total waste. So, there's that.

2024-05-18 19:43:46

Seriously, CBS, fuck off with the british guys in the booth. The golf tournament is in LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY.
We don't need wankers with Eliza Doolittle accents to "legitimize" the coverage of a sporting event in LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
And yes, one of them referred to that liquid that falls from the sky as "ryne."
Eat hot green shit.

2024-05-18 19:17:09

Warning: may cause seizures.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zh3ixMqAcuY&pp=ygUkZmlzaCBtYXkgY2F1c2Ugc2VpenVyZXMgZmlsZXQgbyBmaXNo

2024-05-18 18:57:51

When attacked by a smug, blasé kitten, do not panic.
#catsofmastodon #caturday
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/463/618/900/237/391/original/f674cefe49c9a008.jpg

2024-05-18 14:32:13

On this #caturday it's important to remember that it's entirely OK to annoy the cat.
He'd do it to you.
At least you don't throw up on his stuff.
You could.
But he has no "stuff."

2024-05-18 14:27:37

Ask yourself: "am I meefy enough to survive in today's world?"

2024-05-18 03:21:39

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@npub1anu…4xen "I FARTED."

2024-05-18 01:06:25

Her biggest worry is "i can't afford to have chillllllldruuuuuuuuuunnnnn."
FUCK BABIES.
DO NOT HAVE HUMAN BABIES FOR ANY REASON, SHITBRAINS.
https://lite.cnn.com/2024/05/17/business/gen-z-credit-card-users/index.html

2024-05-18 00:58:45

Kamala could and will kick their player-to-be-indicted-later ass off.
https://lite.cnn.com/2024/05/16/politics/kamala-harris-vice-president-debate-2024/index.html

2024-05-18 00:55:10

No, they're just fuckin' stooopid.
https://text.npr.org/1250215249

2024-05-18 00:33:09

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@npub123m…a50p bushW was an asshole.

2024-05-18 00:28:29

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@npub123m…a50p ...and a speech test.
Saying "ath-uh-leet" or "impordan'" is an instant fail and a dick-flattening.

2024-05-18 00:25:39

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@npub1jwz…d2ah originally, the intent was to make furniture for dollhouses, and the company was called MicroSofa.

2024-05-17 21:37:35

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@npub1y0k…dhyh portland has several foofy weed places down in the Port for tourists. They look like I should be buying expensive shoes.
I do not smoke shoes.

2024-05-17 21:28:00

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@npub1y0k…dhyh yeah, you've posted about the chinese grower gangs up there.

2024-05-17 21:13:41

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@npub1y0k…dhyh in some ways I agree... the shit on the street is way too high-octane for me. I am working on breeding a lower-octane version better suited to us vintage humans who remember the 1970s stuff.

2024-05-17 21:04:14

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@npub1y0k…dhyh if you're gonna go that far, grab some Nick Drake.

2024-05-17 20:59:39

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@npub1y0k…dhyh the classic Kevin Gilbert record was under the name of the band Toy Matinee around 1990. There are many others. Look for bands named NRG, Kaviar, or Giraffe.

2024-05-17 20:58:11

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@npub1y0k…dhyh he's been gone since 1996.

2024-05-17 20:51:11

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@npub1y0k…dhyh ...that shouldn't end up on the jukebox.

2024-05-17 20:48:00

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@npub1y0k…dhyh i have a LOT of Kevin Gilbert material. I still miss him.

2024-05-17 20:46:47

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@npub1y0k…dhyh kevin spacey is the obvious one. Who recorded an album by him is a mystery.

2024-05-17 20:44:35

I hereby proclaim that TouchTunes, who runs all those internet-connected jukeboxes in bars, is fuk't.
Eff You Kay apostrophe Tee FUK'T.
They have a bunch of songs by Kevin Spacey.
Not a single one by the late Kevin Gilbert.
It's left as an exercise for the reader to google.

2024-05-17 18:09:47

Louisville cops are the latest who will look like violent, roided shitheads.

2024-05-17 17:41:24

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@npub1y0k…dhyh picturing them in Allenwood Federal Prison Camp: "you doin' time for the electric fence too?"

2024-05-17 17:38:56

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@npub1y0k…dhyh 404 - Cabin Not Found

2024-05-17 17:30:27

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@npub1y0k…dhyh do they all think it'll "make their careers?"
It's the legal equivalent of pissing on an electric fence. Best case is that you'll end up getting a nasty shock in a place you don't want a nasty shock.

2024-05-17 13:31:53

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@npub1r4a…u3k7 that guy is gonna be a zimmerman.
He also gets his guns back, of course.

2024-05-17 13:11:46

It's bad enough that in many phases of the world, women seem to feel like they have to say shit like "I received a Rhodes Scholarship, I flew a jet in the war, I solved Fermat's Last Theorem, I built my own space station, and received a Nobel Prize, but my proudest achievement is my kids, Bratney and Snott."
Any fuckin' moron can usually shit out babies -- and they do.
BABIES SUCK SHIT.
BABIES ARE DESTROYING THE EARTH.
DO NOT HAVE GODDAMN BABIES.
https://lite.cnn.com/2024/05/16/sport/harrison-butker-commencement-speech-analysis-cec/index.html

2024-05-17 00:20:45

No, Gurp does not have a fake banana emerging from his ass.
#catsofmastodon
https://mastodon.sdf.org/system/media_attachments/files/112/453/563/926/940/162/original/85eafe9ad0523c22.jpg

2024-05-17 00:18:56

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@npub1y0k…dhyh he probably flies it unlit at night, too.

2024-05-16 21:43:13

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@npub1y0k…dhyh they could elect a dead armadillo and it'd be an improvement.

2024-05-16 21:41:02

I am perfectly OK with tornadoes and flooding in Texas lately.
That's what get for electing assholes.

2024-05-16 21:20:49

Lawn assholes show up at 20 after 5.
I am gonna beat their fucking dicks flat.
Go away, shit-job assholes. People don't wanna hear goddamn mowers at dinnertime. Fuck you.

2024-05-16 21:12:13

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@npub1y0k…dhyh yep, yep yep. The Reverend beat him.