Mat B

Don't believe everything a little bird (X) tells you.

I'm a silly fucker.

Music, nonsense, random stories (always a story) and whatever comes to mind.

Not a racist, a homophobe, a transphobe or a bigot. Basically not a cunt (I do swear so if that is not for you, I'm definitely not for you).

Please add #AltText i.e. descriptive descriptions, to your pictures for visually impaired and all people. No decent description, no boost from me.

Profile picture: A Polaroid photo of me, a small bird, whispering into the ear of a once devestatingly handsome man who made bad hair choices, about 25 years ago. Being a Blue Tit, I'm probably dead now. I may have been dead at the time.
Header: Black and white photo of a now destroyed piece of emulsion slogan graffiti on a wall in Kings Cross (London, UK). It reads "Rave is Best". I'm sure there's a story behind it but the criminal responsible has never been identified.
Pronouns: He/Him/That Idiot/Dad, why are you like this?
Beige 4 Life: Fedivesrsian since November 4th 2022

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npub1sn6ehxu5g7m4ep5067ykyema6cxwc3h09rgw8dyp5tza8vwz2vlsdt2gsh

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twoclownseating_at_beige.party@momostr.pink

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2026-07-30T21:54:01Z

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Last Notes

2026-07-21 22:08:18 UTC

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DISCLAIMER: this post contained almost radioactive levels of sarcasm. No refunds. My legal team are ready for any class action lawsuits resulting from this post.

2026-05-17 22:16:33 UTC

Sex Dalek.
I just sent that out into the world.
Sex Dalek.

2026-05-08 09:32:09 UTC

Fucks sake. It comes to something when I'm glad my neighbours voted a Tory councillor in (beating Reform into 2nd 🤮).
Dark days.

2026-05-07 12:27:45 UTC

Daphne out exercising (and exercising her democratic right) today.
#DogsAtPollingStations
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/116/533/273/974/269/692/original/bcdbdb5718d096a7.jpg

2026-05-01 19:02:24 UTC

#TOTP
What exactly did Mick and Pat actually do to make this record?

2026-04-19 12:26:50 UTC

Out walking Daphne with a slight hangover (me not the dog).
Could someone turn the landscape down please?
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/116/431/342/288/243/633/original/6fe925148163441e.jpg

2026-04-18 21:02:40 UTC

I just remembered a cute incident from many years ago that highlighted the difference between the child and the adult world.
My memory is a bit hazy but I think it was at Barcelona airport. The youngest would have been 4/5 years old. Going through security, a guard/agent or whatever stood in front of him and raised his arms by his side, the international sign for I'm going to pat you down (in retrospect this was a bit weird to do to a small child, but it was 15 years ago so maybe security was more jumpy/strict).
The youngest misunderstood (of course) and proceeded to hug the leg of the security officer, assuming that was what his gesture meant.
This diffused the situation and the 5 pounds of heroin in the youngest's coat was never discovered (I'm joking obviously about the last bit).

2026-04-08 23:20:09 UTC

I feel a bit weird hawking music/radio stuff because it feels like self promotion, but honestly its just because there's a load of free joy out there, so help yourselves.
Three tunes in my radio show tonight were either stolen from or inspired by my folks here today. I just want to spread the love, I don't want to replace the latest disgraced BBC DJ.

2026-04-08 15:58:48 UTC

Last shameless plug for, my community radio show of eclectic sounds is back today, live 19:30-22:30 (BST) and available afterwards on demand.
No sign up or account needed to listen.
https://openradio.mixlr.com/events/4969872

2026-03-13 22:51:48 UTC

I've had 51 birthdays so far (52 if you count the day I was born but for this purpose it doesn't count) but I can barely remember anything about any of them.
51 days about me. Fuck all. Now I never make a fuss about these things, I don't like it being about me (really Mat, that seems unlikely; but it's true).
Literally my only birthday memories, in full, are as follows
6) Hedgehog birthday cake made by my mum. Chocolate sugar cream icing, chocolate buttons for spines. I can still see it in my mind. Epic 70s cake game.
7) Joint party with my older cousin at my grandparents house in the garden. They tied balloons to the apple tree's otherwise empty branches, like plump fruit, no idea why but it stuck with me.
21) Drank 2 bottles of wine before even leaving the house on a night out at university. Very drunkenly told an unsuspecting friend (now Mrs B) in a shockingly unguarded moment, "one day, Mrs B (not her name at the time), you will be mine". Creepy or romantic? I've never quite reconciled.
Hangover and massive regret in the morning. It was another 3 months until we got together or even mentioned the incident. 32 years later, she's the one with regrets.
24) Cockney birthday. Had Pie and Mash in a proper east end place, and went to the greyhound racing track. End of the night, drunk (hmm there's a theme here) I decided to do a lap of honour, jumped the barrier and proceeded to do a lap of the track in the arena.
400m on sand, drunk, full pelt. First corner, sweet, second corner, uh oh, this is hard, legs going wobbly and only 150m in. Staff shouting at me to get off, lungs and legs burning, but then a cheer from the stands, drunken punters and my mates urging me on. I made it, barely, hopped the barrier and proceeded to throw up.
Apologies to the staff of Walthamstow stadium that night 😬 but you're only 24 once.
That's pretty much it, all I remember. I have another one soon but I can't imagine it will be very memorable. Not bothered but just goes to show, in my case, how these things don't matter in the long term, so don't expect much.

2026-03-05 00:12:55 UTC

The Fedi/Mastodon is revelatory, I love it, but the emotional weight is greater and very different.
Honesty is powerful. I'm not even going to talk about Instagram or Facebook, but Twitter was/is a combative place, even if you are passive. Here it's completely different, many people are very open, myself included to a degree, which is refreshing and a welcome humanising of social media, but with that comes with it's own challenges.
I care about people. People share their physical, emotional and psychological struggles here. I empathise, I try to understand and support folks as best I can with my level of understanding. It's a lot though. I'm out of my depth frequently, I want to help but don't have a clue how to, and don't want to say something stupid or insensitive, no matter how well intentioned. But at the same time, I don't want to stay silent, because I want you to know I care.
Often a "like/⭐" means I hear you but have no useful words. It feels lame, but it's probably better than what my awkward brain will come up with as a reply.
An exchange in the last couple of days touched me. I mentioned it to Mrs B and as I read one message out my chin went, my voice broke and my eyes filled.
It's different here, but it's a new (but much better) set of challenges.
Bless you all lovely Fedifolk ❤️ :bb:

2026-02-12 13:51:02 UTC

I'm starting a hashtag for stories about meeting your heroes.
Not going to lie, I was pretty pleased when I came up with it.
So Fedifolk, what's your #FandomAccessMemory ?

2026-02-05 00:29:39 UTC

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"Dear Ben. While we are impressed by both your commitment to ecology, and your potential anal capacity, unfortunately your offer to house 9 puffins in your bum does not align with our values. Our media partners, the Guardian, the Sunday Sport and the Guinness Book of Records, have advised us that your radical approach, as well meaning as it is, may be too much for the general public, and the photographs you sent are unpublishable"

2026-01-27 18:08:59 UTC

My old mum warned me about people like you.
"Tooters..." she'd say, "... they're only after one thing. It's all sweet talk and compliments, but they're just trying to get a look at your whimsy".

2026-01-25 16:52:20 UTC

The big guy sends his regards :mastodon:
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/955/703/199/773/202/original/90b336efd5b72be7.jpg

2026-01-24 02:23:57 UTC

Music is magic.
Music is life.
Music is the will to Iive sometimes.

2026-01-23 09:44:23 UTC

I posted about being stressed out and turned to the Fediverse for some light relief.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/943/758/969/723/037/original/3622a155c68dbaf8.mp4

2026-01-23 00:58:51 UTC

Most of our heroes seem to be wronguns eventually.
So, who do you reckon is bulletproof?
I'll start
Bob Mortimer (UK comedian)
Robert Smith (The Cure front man)

2026-01-20 12:18:21 UTC

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This is true, however the closure of the original Mr Egg (a restaurant whose speciality was egg based meals) has tarnished it's culinary credentials.

2026-01-20 10:45:41 UTC

Spammers really are getting pretty sophisticated these days. This week alone I've had really targeted emails enticing me with;
An invite to be a speaker to the UN at a conference in Thailand
An invite to the World Plumbing Conference in Birmingham. This year the theme is "The Four Core Pillars shaping the future of plumbing"
It's like they know me.
(I have literally no connection to the plumbing industry but dream of going to Birmingham (UK). It has more canals than Venice you know!)

2026-01-17 02:20:52 UTC

TL:DR An alcoholics rewards programme for dealing with daily life, uncovered.
Tonight I met a close friend, and he told me something I'd never heard before, even though we've talked about our lives, warts and all, ever since we met. He's not hidden it, just for some reason it didn't come up.
His late mother was a lifelong alcoholic. He accepted that during her lifetime, and has been a big drinker himself on and off. I told him tonight I am quitting. He knows full well I'm an alcoholic.
We have a frank relationship and so this story was received and responded to by me in what some might see as an insensitive way. But it was taken as intended because we see the funny in the darkness.
So, it turns out, towards the end of her elderly life, his mother, by this time living alone, had developed an entirely self imposed rewards system for doing basic chores. She would leave strategically placed miniatures (tiny bottles of spirits/liquor, the kind you get in hotel mini bars) dotted around the house, in locations associated with said tasks.
One next to the washing basket, one in the laundry cupboard, one next to the ironing board etc. She basically created a boozy treasure hunt to lead her through the things she needed to do to remain independent.
She was quite a chaotic individual apparently, and this level of organisation was highly unusual, particularly as she could just buy big booze and drink it whenever she pleased (which she also did).
This only really fully came to light after she died. When clearing her home they found dozens of tiny booze bottles dotted around in cupboards and drawers and wherever. Often quite unusual or unexpected places. She wasn't hiding booze, she had no need to. She literally created a trail of tiny rewards for doing everyday shit.
What was slightly interesting was they found half consumed mini bottles. She'd just had a nip, but not downed a whole shot sometimes.
As an alcoholic myself, and someone who hates household chores, I actually found this whole thing both hilarious and endearing, as weird as that sounds. We laughed about it together.
I've no idea if she had read any Socrates, but she certainly embraced his maxim "know thyself".

2026-01-12 09:48:40 UTC

You went to Harrow school for boys, I went to Harrowing school for boys.
We are not the same.

2026-01-08 02:42:32 UTC

#fedifc
As a Fulham fan I'm sure it feels great for our neighbours Chelsea to be ahead in the league on goal difference after literally spending a billion pound more than us.
One day (not holding breath) FFP will catch you up, maybe, when the bribes dry up.

2026-01-07 22:02:59 UTC

Some people online are hilarious/unhinged.
So, Mrs B runs a small design business. Mainly patterns sold via PDF but some physical items. Everything is ethically sourced, fair pay for suppliers and no animal products at any point in production.
Due to the nature and customer base of her business she has a Facebook community. It's not a sales page, but is related to enthusiasts for this type of thing. There are about 16k members who share their work and are a community.
Twice a year Mrs B does free stuff, released daily for a month, seasonal themed designs and people use her patterns to join in. Additionally she does an annual charity one, effectively free or pay what you want, all the proceeds go to UNICEF, a charity supporting people, particularly children, in war-torn places like Palestine, Ukraine, Syria etc.
So on her 16k Facebook page some woman kicks off about her choice of charity. "They make profit, the money doesn't go to these people, you're exploiting us" etc. Mrs B was somewhat apologetic, said although it was clearly stated what the donations were for she would refund the money this woman had paid.
Now, firstly, upon checking the records and then confirming with this woman, she had never actually paid a single penny to the fund to be refunded, Mrs B then had to withstand a 3 day barrage of clearly misinformed (YouTube Rabbithole theory shit) and increasingly irate emails (she started communicating via email once the Facebook group turned in her) from this lady.
Mrs B and her lovely (mainly older ladies) have raised about $20,000 for a charity helping kids in war torn and disaster hit countries, and some mad internet warrior decides it's is a good use of her, and a lovely ethical businesspersons time, discussing their crackpot alt-truth theories.
I'm less tolerant. Fuck off you sad little person.

2026-01-01 15:30:21 UTC

Daphne update
This is pretty incredible. She could barely stand up 2 days ago. She is still very, very wobbly in general but short laps of the garden are building her memory and balance little by little.
This is not typical but shows what she's already capable of. Her eyes are quite uncordinated, the right one takes a second to follow the left one so she looks like Marty Feldman. You can see in the video her head is still pulling to the left, it's worse when she's static.
Overall, pretty miraculous so far, putting in the work with her. 💪
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/820/527/682/070/323/original/5c0e24ace7d2674e.mp4

2025-12-29 18:57:45 UTC

We'll be doing our traditional New Year's Day show on Open Radio. A compilation of highlights from 2025 to ease you through the first day of 2026.
January 1st, 18:00-22:00 (GMT).
Join live or catch up later if you're interested.
https://openradio.mixlr.com/events/4755321

2025-12-28 18:23:04 UTC

Could really do with some good vibes my friends.
Daphne was very suddenly taken very ill today, completely unexpectedly. She appeared to be having multiple, prolonged seizures, but now we got her to a neurologist and they think she may have a brain issue. They're trying to get her stable enough to give her the best chance of surviving a general anesthetic, in order for them to do an MRI scan.
She was in a pitiful state when we left her and we're distraught frankly.
No need to reply, just spare us all a thought if you will please :bb:
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/798/576/791/245/370/original/ad6ab01814da4c1f.jpg

2025-12-13 11:45:00 UTC

I never thought about this before for some reason, but babies dream in the womb. They have REM sleep, so presumably have dreams based on their limited experience.
What was my first ever dream like? If I could experience it now would it be the most peaceful experience, or possibly terrifying to a grown adult?

2025-12-08 16:33:07 UTC

The Southbank Centre
VERY TL:DR Mat loves the Southbank Centre in London.
The Southbank Centre is a complex of arts spaces housed on the south bank of the river Thames in London. Built in forward thinking Britain of the late 40s and early 50s. It is a prime example of Brutalist architecture in post war Britain, with futuristic design throughout, now preserved. It consists of 3 concert halls, an art gallery, the National Theatre and the British Film Institute.
During the 1980s Brutalist architecture was seen as ugly; concrete might have well been dog shit as a building material, and sites such as the Southbank Centre and Barbican became apparent no go areas, with their grey, labyrinthine designs. Philistineism crept in, and these places declined.
Here now is a story, of upstairs and downstairs.
In what would later become known as the "undercroft" at street level of the centre, was an open space, a space with banked walls and flat, undercover surfaces that became a dry haven for both the homeless and skateboarders. It was literally a "cardboard city", there were people living in crudely constructed boxes. A shanty town beneath a cultural institution.
At the same time skateboarding came alive. Southbank was a Mecca for kids, partly because it was dry, you can't really skate in the wet, but also it was where all the proper skaters were. In music terms it was the CBGB or Hacienda of the scene. Big US skaters started turning up on tours of Europe.
My first experience of Southbank was on a trip there to skate and getting mugged (robbed). Went up there, 13, and got picked off before my train seat was cold. They were smart fuckers. Hid behind pillars and ambushed us. The lad at the front had someone step out from behind a pillar and got punched in the back of the head, the rest of the muggers appeared behind us. We all lost our skateboards (no phones or money back then). I had a shit board anyway. My parents felt bad for me so I got a spanking new setup out of sympathy (result).
I spent most weekends in my teenage years skating at Southbank, I came in contact and made friends middle class people for the first time there. The undercroft community was a strange but harmonious mix of skateboarding kids and homeless men. We got to know a few characters and would chat occasionally, giving them any spare change we had (one year we discovered a loophole in McDonald's Monopoly™ based scratch card promotion. Because it was technically gambling you could go in and just ask for a card without making a purchase. The skaters and homeless ate McD's for free that summer)
As time passed and public opinion of our Brutalist spaces changed the Southbank Centre was revived and revitalised. The homeless people were moved on (how or to where I don't know) and much of, but not all, the area used by skaters was boarded up and inaccessible. Gentrification transformed the area and chain restaurants in glass boxes popped up.
I welcomed the revival of a beautiful arts complex, and have seen many great exhibitions and films there, but in my heart I am still a dweller of the undercroft. A few years ago it was announced that the undercroft was to be redeveloped into retail units. By way of compensation a small skatepark would be built elsewhere in the borough (away from the cultured visitors and tourists). A campaign was started by the skating community, Long Live Southbank, who raised funds to lobby the Arts Council.
On Twitter I was dismayed to see Billy Bragg, the musician and socialist activist who I am a long time admirer of, promoting the demolition of the undercroft. It turned out he was a trustee of the centre. I took a potshot at him and he responded. We had a very civilised argument (a rarity on Twitter) but eventually agreed to disagree. His point was the ongoing funding of the Arts there, my point was that in the belly of the centre a genuine subculture formed organically and that should be celebrated and preserved. Actual culture grew there, it was a special space.
The skateboarders won the argument and the centre reopened sections previously boarded up. No hard feelings Billy and respect to the Arts Council for seeing it's value to British culture.
This was very long, congratulations if you made it to the end.
This photo is my well worn Long Live Southbank t-shirt. The logo of which is based on the Brutalist design pillars that hold up the building in the undercroft.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/684/890/997/378/623/original/c396a4f412293dd1.jpg

2025-12-07 13:15:04 UTC

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After the first world war the aristocracy knew their cards were marked, after the second they went to ground because ordinary people had made a huge blood sacrifice for the nation. The welfare state and NHS were formed and the old order was broken. Deference to "our betters" didn't cut it anymore, but the royal family came through, because tradition, and because the queen mother visited the east end once during wartime.
The history doesn't disappear if the royals do. Personally I think it should have been cancelled once the queen died. A fitting final season to the saga. Now it's just a soap opera funded by a nation suffering hardship. An heir to the throne has been pushed out effectively because he introduced non-white blood to the family, another is an entitled sex offender, and the King sits on huge swathes of land and reaps enormous financial benefits, aside from the money given directly from the public purse. They no longer "serve" us.
One last point on the aristocracy and hereditary power. They didn't go away, they just hid. I watched an enlightening clip in the documentary series Shifty by Adam Curtis (highly recommended). Diana, who I assume from her appearance was a princess by this point, was filmed in a candid moment at some kind of gathering. She's outside of the building looking in at a party, by some doors that appear to be locked. Some of the guests, one woman in particular, see her and chose to simply turn away from her predicament. She looks crestfallen. They ignored the future queen of England, presumably because they, as many in that echelon of society, did not consider her highly enough, she was of lower stock.
(I looked for the clip but couldn't find it)

2025-12-07 02:23:53 UTC

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Don't get me started on them.
I've mentioned this before but it was funny at a music festival a few years ago. We took a group of friends to see Bob Vylan (the current bogeymen of wet British media, before it was fashionable) and Bobbie started with his anti-royal banter. Two good friends took offense and left 😬😂
Very revealing.
We're still friends of course, but it did smoke out people who are a lot more comfortable with the (in my mind weird) status quo of having a royal family.

2025-12-07 01:42:56 UTC

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As a staunch English republican in the company of Irish descendents, even if the royal box was available we would have declined.

2025-12-07 01:07:44 UTC

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It was being in a bubble. No crowd to deal with. Amazing.
Sometimes the crowd is part of the experience but tonight I was very happy and privileged to have our own space.

2025-12-07 00:47:31 UTC

Stereolab tonight from up in the posh seats.
Weirdly they actually cost the same as the stalls but you need to book them quickly (they cost us £37 each!). A private booth for 4 people is pretty sweet, no putting up with anyone else's bullshit (talking, farting, pushing or blocking the view) at the gig.
Autistic folk, this is definitely worth considering!
The 2nd picture is the opposite view of the boxes. Amazing early 1950s futurism in the concert hall 😍
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/675/453/951/793/040/original/bbde9e1373f4c1b9.jpg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/675/455/508/868/516/original/7cf7a7ecf6447ba1.jpg

2025-11-30 20:09:27 UTC

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Sorry you're struggling at the moment.
I have a number of ghosts that haunt me. Primarily this novelty telephone I didn't buy. Not a day goes by when I don't regret not bringing her home.
https://beige.party/@TwoClownsEating/115242892505077058

2025-11-28 22:00:28 UTC

#TOTP
I thought Brexit was the worst thing the British public got behind but I'd forgotten about Robson and Jerome.

2025-11-26 18:59:11 UTC

Just remembered that time I got to hang out at Abbey Road studios for the evening.
Stood in the room where The Beatles recorded so many records that are part of my DNA was pretty special (I also got to run my hand over the piano Paul McCartney played on Lady Madonna).
Picture below is a section of the mixing desk for the orchestral sound stage.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/617/468/681/603/829/original/fb1eebeabf76b9b7.jpg

2025-11-22 00:34:32 UTC

I'm quite giddy at the prospect of a long weekend of nostalgia, faded glamour, outstanding music and a touch of hedonism, in a typically wet and windy northern English seaside town.
I've done sophisticated, classy raving, in the warmer climes of the south of France, in a Gnostic temple within a medieval citadel. Good food, good wine, culture and all that. Done it.
Give me chips! Kiss me quick! Fight a seagull! Spin me around until I puke up candyfloss!
Rave oddessy 2026 is on!

2025-11-19 22:10:38 UTC

Daphne was unimpressed, even a bit dismissive of the giant onion. I don't think she appreciates me using her head as a comparison for scale.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/578/635/898/931/883/original/ff4d8225ce92ede8.jpg

2025-11-18 15:32:57 UTC

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He does have an aversion to windmills.

2025-11-18 02:36:32 UTC

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I've never seen this before but that was my neighbourhood. This was filmed around Brick Lane.
Two funny, personal things. Absolutely true, swear on my kids lives. On the wall at 3:15 is street art by a dear close friend of mine who goes by the name of Donk (his name is on the wall, top left).
The four figures in a row at the bottom are pictures of his son, in costume. That person was the first child I ever changed a nappy (diaper) for. Six months before the Eldest was born we looked after him for the day and I got some practice in.
100% true story. So weird, but yep.

2025-11-18 01:28:59 UTC

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My operating system since 1990.

2025-11-18 01:21:55 UTC

Late night Fedi, so its one of the following options for me now:
A) Sentimental
B) Obscene
3).14159265
C) Confused
D) Angry
E) Nonsensical
F) Let's get you a taxi, can you remember where you live
G) Spot
H) Aitch. What?
I) Am what I am, I am my own special creation

2025-11-16 19:42:59 UTC

The ongoing battle of wills with my "smart" washing machine continues.
This lying fuckers favourite trick is to say there's 12 minutes left on it's cycle. ALWAYS 12 minutes.
I think, "oh, I better not start doing X because the washing needs to come out soon, I'll just wait".
It's never been 12 minutes! It's currently been "12 minutes" for the last 35 minutes. Lying HAL9000 laundry bastard.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/561/075/602/441/974/original/0731b89ec8a12002.jpg

2025-11-15 23:05:48 UTC

Went to see Sirom tonight. They were INCREDIBLE. Even better than I'd hoped. Humble and so talented. The sound they create with just 3 people is insane, all live, no looping.
3 multi-instrumentalists playing incredible string and percussive instruments. Absolutely blown away.
Not going to lie, I welled up a couple of times. Bliss.

2025-11-15 02:29:08 UTC

Warning: Very long sentimental post.
TL:DR Small acts can have huge impacts if you're kind to people. Sometimes you don't know how much difference you make, but being nice is a superpower.
======================================
Support the younglings!
I have a super creative, super intelligent, deeply caring and thoughtful autistic person in my life; one of my children.
I introduced them to a ton of different music just by being around it. I also introduced them to a way to make music, via a computer, even though I barely knew how myself, when they were 8. They ran with it and now it's their life (I have a separate origin story but thats for another time).
The point of this post is to highlight how community and small acts of support can build confidence in people, allowing them to be themselves.
I learnt of a music project in 2017, The Dark Outside, where musicians and audio artists would submit music/sounds never heard before, to be transmitted over FM radio in a 24 hour broadcast in a remote forest in Scotland. To listen in, people would have to go to the site with a radio. People did. Well known artists rubbed shoulders with complete novices, beamed out into dark Scottish forest to weirdos who made the effort to go and listen.
We submitted a tune, when the Eldest was 13, which was accepted and broadcast. A few months later the organiser, Stuart, asked if his record label could use the track on a compilation tape. Alongside amazing musicians, including some members of Mogwai, who we loved. Amazing. We said yes, of course.
I'm going to take a pause for context now. The Eldest was very much a 13 year old outsider in an all boys secondary school. Undiagnosed autistic in a harsh environment. Bullied, no easy way of putting it, heartbreaking as a parent.
Back to nicer things. It became apparent that Cosi Fanny Tutti (of Throbbing Gristle and a further illustrious career) had a copy of the tape! On their SoundCloud account proper music heads had followed (in particular Clair from Hotgem music who is a star ❤️). This made a bullied kid feel seen.
We had been going to an annual electronic music festival in London, BPM, which had a lot of very reputable artists playing in historic churches in the city. What was nice was the vibe. The artists hung around and listened to each other, not just in and out. Plaid, Luke Vibert, B12, Daedalus, Mira Calix, Lorraine James and many more.
At 14, a kid who was a bullied outsider at school just walked up to Daedalus and dived into a conversation about their set and musical theories generally. The Eldest saw themselves as a contemporary and Daedalus treated them the same way. Not patronising, genuine. He was genuinely delighted at the feedback he got too. A lovely man.
Related. I have been a lifelong fan of Black Dog/Plaid. Massively. The Eldest too, through my love of them. They played RPM twice. The first time I took the Eldest to say hello, we had a chat, nice. The next year, Stuart (from the Dark Outside as mentioned above) had sent them the Eldest's music and they got to talk about it in person 🤯. Plaid (specifically Andy) sent us the stems of their, then, unreleased single to remix and play with. Amazing and generous. Imagine, chatting with your musical heroes at 14 about your work, and them sending you their unreleased raw material to play around with!
One last thing. The Eldest submitted a track called Dawn for The Dark Outside, broadcast in 2019. They were 15 at the time. In a change of location it was transmitted from Elizabeth the Firsts hunting lodge in Epping forest, near where we live. We were able to go along and tune in, alongside others. The event was heavily supported by The Quietus, an online culture site (if you don't know about it look it up, it's the best), so much so that Luke Turner, founder and chief editor, was manning the operation overnight.
I was a long time supporter and fan of The Quietus, I actually received a copy of his autobiography for Christmas which I hadn't yet read. As the sun was setting over the forest Luke wandered over and struck up a conversation with us. We explained the Eldest's tune was being broadcast at some point, then it came on, a Vangellis sounding track as the sun dipped behind the forest. When it finished there were cheers, close by and in the distance from listener's in the forest. Luke congratulated the Eldest and said it was great.
Magic moment. True story. Went back to being nobody loser on Monday morning at school.
They had a real moment of respect and awe with a grown up, an intellectual person of note on Wednesday, but on Monday it was pure bully shit again from idiots.
If you made it this far down bless you. All true.
The point is. Lift up the younglings. Give them your time, wisdom and understanding. Small things are huge sometimes.
Not just them. Encourage all people always.
It's never too late if you don't shut the gate!

2025-11-13 11:14:24 UTC

Carrying on a very loose theme of random animals in music videos, here is the terrific Trio Mandili. These ladies are amazing.
I've never seen Taylor Swift wrangling a stubborn donkey during her performances. Your move Tay Tay.
Trio Mandili - Kakhuri
https://youtu.be/EDK9KOfknTw

2025-11-03 23:38:13 UTC

I've discovered I'm blocked by a few people in the last few weeks. Quite shocking as I don't think my stuff is that controversial.
People I don't recall ever having talked to, let alone been confrontational with (I've had my moments but I'm generally pretty chilled). About 50% are on my server, beige.
I only know this because they are in chains with mutuals who I really like and when I go back in the conversation it's blocked out.
I try not to think too much about this. Everyone is not for everyone. Also, I might be (am) annoying, I get that. I guess, in my way of using Mastodon I mute the boring and block the bad folks, so assume other people do the same.
Being blocked feels like I've done something bad or upset someone so much they never want to hear from me again. That's fair enough, their prerogative, and I don't want to be where I'm unwelcome. No hard feelings.
But a part of me wants to know why, so I can either moderate or refine what I say, or accept it may annoy some people.
Nobody is obliged to listen to me, I don't expect that, and if you objectively reject listening to me that's absolutely correct.
I'm talking to people who won't see any of this, but if I offended or offend you, I apologise :bb:
I can't promise I'll change though.

2025-11-03 00:11:11 UTC

Bit of advice folks. Only open one can of worms at a time.
No matter how much you like worms.

2025-10-31 00:38:36 UTC

Random advice. Applies to a lot of situations.
Just enjoy your buzz in the now.
In drink or drugs terms particularly, people are often looking to push on. Stop that. Take stock for a minute. Enjoy the now, it's better than you think if you just pay attention to how you feel, rather than just chasing more.
Life generally can be like this.
Slightly impatiently spoon feeding a baby because you feel busy? This is literally the best thing you can do with your time on earth (in my opinion). In my 52 years on this planet, when I look back, feeding an enthusiastic baby was honestly my happiest time ever, even if I didn't realise then. Not a chore, a privilege.
Slow the fuck down in your mind. It's revelatory if you can do it.

2025-10-23 23:39:18 UTC

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In a degree of seriousness. When I first arrived here, early November 22, it was bewildering and there seemed to be a few cliques, bigger accounts who talked amongst themselves, much like the old place.
In those groups I got ignored. Fair enough, you don't know me. But I stuck around and found friendly people and funny weirdos. People would reply and occasionally follow back.
After a while I noticed a lot of the people I liked and were more chilled were on beige. You, Ben, were prominent and vicariously I got to know you, occasionally we'd exchange messages, to the point, even though you didn't "follow" me at the time I'd post some cheeky, and slightly derogatory comments about you. You followed me back and here we are. Our interactions then led me to meet a whole host of new people and I eventually felt ready for the leap to Beige. Swimming in the cool kids Kool Aid.
The point being, from outside as a new joiner it can feel like the same old shit, but if you persevere, join in, and don't be a dick here, you can eventually get on friendly terms with an egomaniac who will periodically propose ways in which you, or some other random entity, should furnish them with One Million Pounds.

2025-10-23 22:55:56 UTC

I see people comment "I lost 3 followers today because x". Not being critical but I just don't notice, unless someone who chats or engages regularly disappears.
I really don't pay any attention to numbers because frankly I have no idea why anyone would listen to this, frankly scattergun, mix of earnest, sometimes wholesome musings entwined with unhinged, borderline obscene flights of fancy, interspersed with slightly pretentious takes on music and culture, and just, whatever. I'm more surprised people stick around, but at the same time, I follow others for exactly that. I love the random mess that folks want to share of themselves, however real or contrived it is. Even lies can be true, if they come from the right place.
I'm sure 75% of my "followers" (hate that term) have either left or never see my nonsense, but occasionally I do pause and think, do you want to say this to 1,300+ people, who in turn could spread these words exponentially, about your silly thoughts or dearest memories?
Here I've found somewhere I'm comfortable saying pretty much whatever I want because, on the whole, friends and strangers alike, are good people who appreciate the same liberty I do.
Lastly, to people "following" me. Apologies if I haven't followed back yet. Typically I will, particularly if we talk, but sometimes it takes me a while to notice otherwise. If you post/boost a lot about stuff I'm not really interested in then it's pointless me following back, but if you talk to me I'll almost always chat.
Stay weird lovely Fedifolk ❤️

2025-10-19 12:41:25 UTC

Curious to find out how many people know the joke about the inventor of the USBs funeral?
(Joke posted in the replies)

2025-10-10 20:31:20 UTC

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(Adopts Scots accent) I cannae take any moor hen.

2025-10-10 19:46:29 UTC

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I might need some bromide in that tea as after reading all these puns I'm mallard.
*Duck puns: After Dark"

2025-10-10 17:24:24 UTC

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There's a lot to pond, er.

2025-10-10 17:18:40 UTC

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I don't mind a few, heron there, but they rarely quack me up.

2025-10-10 16:17:32 UTC

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Grebe minds think alike 🦆

2025-10-10 14:55:18 UTC

Had a fucking intense day today, very much not in a good way. Things are calm now but I'm still a bit shook up. I need some online loons to bring back my equilibrium.
Oh, hi folks 👋

2025-10-09 10:45:54 UTC

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I'll take standard class. I'm more hiding in the toilet from the ticket inspectors class.

2025-10-09 10:33:19 UTC

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Well la-di-dah. Don't forget to stick a pinky out when sipping your drink.

2025-10-03 23:16:15 UTC

Polystyrene
TL:DR - It's me going on about polystyrene
I'm not even sure what it is. Plastic, sort of. Soft but firm. It's like the lead of plastics. Doesn't really fit in.
Floaty. Very floaty. It can save your life in water. Respect it for that.
Doesn't taste of much, but I've chewed it and know its taste (you do too, admit it. You've chomped down on some polystyrene at some point).
Light as a feather but tough. Every stereo I've ever bought has been reinforced with it in transit, great job, until you need to throw it away. Bulky bastard.
Personally I've built things with it. The smell of lightly burning polystyrene is burned into my senses (inhaling the fumes may also explain a few things).
The balls. Oh the balls. The most fascinating aspect of polystyrene. Break it up and it turns into tiny balls. I've also had a lot of experience of it in its native ball format via beanbag adventures. A true force of nature in that state.
Static. Nobody has been more attracted to me than polystyrene balls are. They're like Pepe Le Pew, the more you push them away the more they are attracted to you. Forget wind farms and nuclear energy, harness the static off polystyrene balls.
I have a single polystyrene ball that was part of an artwork, owned by a very famous collector, that I stole at an exhibition. Rough calculation, based on the sale price of the complete work at Sotheby's, that ball is worth about £150.
I'll stop now. But my fascination for polystyrene will live on forever, much like polystyrene itself.

2025-10-02 23:02:03 UTC

Its Bandcamp Friday (October 3rd) where all money goes to your favourite artists and/or labels.
If you can, and want to buy music you actually own, forever, in physical and/or digital formats then today is a good day. No fees, all goes to a good home. The creators.
Spotify, Tidal, Apple Music etc. fuck them (just my personal opinion).
Buy it. Own it forever, no subscription bollocks.
Pay the creators not the landlords.

2025-09-16 09:09:59 UTC

I've wanged on about Convenanza festival in Carcassonne, South of France, a bit on here. Someone I know has two spare tickets if anyone is interested. If so, or if you want more information, message me.
It's fantastic (no camping so Air BnB or Hotel) in a beautiful setting.
I will be there but you won't have to meet me (though you might be able to spot me 😂)
https://www.instagram.com/convenanza_official
https://beige.party/@TwoClownsEating/113234468484194951

2025-09-12 21:26:13 UTC

My plan for the weekend is to do the square root of fuck all.
Less if I can manage it. If that's mathematically/physically possible.

2025-09-07 15:30:54 UTC

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Another one from Scary Bitches.
Warning, this song is so catchy it must have been made by Witchcraft. Instant earworm.
Scary Bitches - Bats 🦇
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/163/728/345/955/465/original/c94249bc7661537e.mp3

2025-09-07 14:55:47 UTC

The Young Team have been banging on about a band called Scary Bitches for ages (there's a strong Goth streak in The Girlfriend©). We finally listened to a load whilst camping. Incredible.
Demented and hilarious Electro Pop and Rock bangers.
Scary Bitches - Cold Callers
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/163/588/463/362/326/original/0fcd90fda53bb000.mp3

2025-09-03 09:58:11 UTC

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Completely. Can you imagine, a state focussed on the welfare of its people and the betterment of society and culture. The NHS, the Welfare State and the BBC were cornerstones of post war Britain, now all three are political battlegrounds, being eroded by capitalism and vested interests beyond the general public.

2025-09-02 22:07:26 UTC

TL:DR In the old days not everything was cynical
I don't want to sound like an old sod but two things close to my heart from the 60s and 70s are unimaginable in the modern age. Both examples were publicly funded, and the freedom and free thinking back then are almost impossible to comprehend in the modern day.
1) The NASA Voyager One probe Gold record. As a vinyl enthusiast this is like catnip to me. A record, made of gold, shot out into space (now flying beyond our solar system) etched with hieroglyphics of how to play the content of the disc for alien civilizations to interpret. Images of humans, directions to locate us and a selection of sounds representing the music of earth and brief, welcoming messages in dialects from across our planet.
A wholesome message in a bottle from Earth. No politics, no religion, no commercial interest, just reaching out to the cosmos. Hopeful. Strangely naive in a kind of cute way. Uncynical.
2) The BBC Radiophonic Workshop. A program where sound boffins, men and, unusually for the times, women, were basically paid and given resources to fiddle about making electronic sounds/music for the BBC. An experimental audio laboratory, publicly funded, with little to no agenda other than to produce audio for TV and radio. Delia Derbyshire (one of my heroes) created the original Dr Who theme which, to this day, is one of the most starkly original pieces of music produced in the last century. Nothing like it had ever been heard before. She made music and sounds that today are commonplace but in 1963, were revolutionary. Publicly funded, no commercial or political influence.
Nothing remotely like this had been heard by the general public, now we take it for granted.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/136/973/446/144/439/original/f7fc9cec242a6eb9.mp3

2025-09-02 14:51:03 UTC

Tomorrow evening, 19:30-22:30 (UK BST), is my monthly community radio show if anyone is interested. It will be available on catch-up after broadcast.
This month's show is entitled, Tragic Roundabout.
https://openradio.mixlr.com/events/4501834

2025-08-27 12:09:24 UTC

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Indeed. But what a way to live and spend your days and energy.

2025-08-27 09:25:15 UTC

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What a miserable existence.

2025-08-27 09:13:59 UTC

Need a timeline cleanse so here's a terribly executed joke (stolen from elsewhere).
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/099/925/931/491/091/original/750ef3821eb310cc.jpg

2025-08-26 23:17:21 UTC

I do wonder, what do hate filled people do to relax? Where do they find peace, dare I say, enjoyment of life, free of bitterness and hate?
I was recently dancing in a natural crater in the English countryside, surrounded by trees on a glorious sunny day, cool drink in hand, listening to wonderful bass heavy reggae music, presented by a positive, inclusive man on the microphone. I had my youngest child and his delightful girlfriend at my side and we were surrounded by happy, friendly people enjoying the moment. It was heaven.
What is the equivalent for Nigel Farage? Despite all the money he's grifted, does he know a peace, a joy, a moment like that not tinged with hate? I suspect not (and I hope he never does).

2025-08-23 22:58:07 UTC

A less fun part of our night out. We drove the Youngest to a friend's house in Sawbridgeworth, Hertfordshire, UK.
As we drove through there were a throng of people with ladders. An almost party atmosphere of about 50 men, women and children, shouting incomprehensible blah blah blah, enthusiastically, draped in St George flags (the English flag).
They had sprayed red crosses on our (white circular road markers) mini roundabouts and were climbing the public lamp posts to attach flags.
Shithole country.
Scotland and Wales, please accept us, we're not all cunts🙏
(Shorter video attached but if you look closely you'll see the flags on the island and lampposts)
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/080/844/402/887/841/original/376d6ea83758e601.mp4

2025-08-19 22:08:08 UTC

TL/DR Be kind to young people and don't be an old twat.
Life is short. As you grow older this becomes a lot more apparent.
Patience also gets a lot shorter as you grow older.
The difference, as a person, is who your patience grows shorter for.
Learner drivers? Unsure shop/restaurant staff? Young people in general?
Fuck off with this impatience. "I've done my time. Back in my day..." twats, fuck off. Most of the people before you who had it bad are either dead from being old, from being in wars (that you didn't fight in) or dead from being poor.
Let young people breathe. Help them. Let them enjoy life (in the shitty situation they've been dealt, by "us" collectively).
When I was a kid the big fear was nuclear Armageddon (in hindsight not as real a threat as it seemed). Now, my young adults have to think about nuclear Armageddon, Climate catastrophe, the rise of fascism and Israel nearly winning Eurovision.
Be impatient with the people who can make all of our lives better but don't. Very fucking impatient.

2025-08-03 19:44:19 UTC

Not with a bang but a whimper. So ends my final trip to Manchester for a while. Tomorrow me and The Eldest move their stuff home from this wonderful city after 3 years of university. We had a great night last night but now I'm on my own in a favourite pub for the last time, Gulliver's on Oldham Street.
I've had an absolute blast visiting here the last 3 years; gigs, parties, scratch mixing showcases in a chip shop, record and clothes shopping, and lots of great (if not always nutritional) vegan food.
Somewhat poignantly on our record shopping trip today I found an album by an artist called Memotone, which I bought. He's not well known but about 15 years ago he played a gig in a pub near our then home in London, I just happened to be in there. He was just a student himself at the time but he inspired me to try and get my head around music software again, which I did. I then showed 7 year old Eldest and taught what little I knew.
Eldest has just finished a music production degree, with a first class grade, and wants to be a music producer. It's their life, their passion, and they're good at it.
A butterfly flapped it's wings in the Macbeth pub on Hoxton Street and here we are now.
Anyway, cheers from a sentimental old sod in Manchester 🍻

2025-08-03 15:42:14 UTC

The tale of Not Chutney.
About this time 9 years ago we went to a 3 day music festival near where we live. As it was close by we didn't camp and were able to bring Daphne (the Whippet dog) during the day.
The weirdest thing happened, people would come over to pet her and say "hello Chutney". We were like, pardon? "Oh we met Chutney the other day". This happened about 7 or 8 times, one person took some convincing that this was not in fact Chutney (mate we haven't kidnapped someone else's dog!).
Day 3 and we finally bumped into Chutney, and Daphne got to meet her doggy doppelganger (doggoganger). It was quite uncanny, Chutney was a bit bigger than her but the odd thing was they both had brown leather collars and hemp rope leads* (Chutney's was thicker rope). Now it made sense.
* Something that is also quite odd is that we have never seen any dog since with this style of lead.
(Excuse the poor quality photo but getting two excited Whippets to pose for a photo is impossible. Daphne is on the left)
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/965/508/073/503/945/original/fd936dd5195d04b8.jpg

2025-08-01 22:58:21 UTC

This is going to sound "woke", or like "virtue signalling", or just plain bullshit but pretty much the only reason I carry cash these days is to give to homeless people. And I deliberately have cash for this reason when I go to Manchester or London.
Cash is completely unnecessary unless you need a coin for a shopping trolley. I pumped up my car tyres today, contactless card payment. No 50p coin required.
I'm not a saint, I'm not being Billy big bollocks but I will help folks on the street out. Gladly. I don't need a receipt. Spend wherever you need or want to.
Many folks are more grateful for not being ignored or avoided than the actual cash, being seen by "normal" society for a bit. Though the cash is welcome.
Trickle down economics exists, but it's more a spring than a waterfall.

2025-07-30 23:54:12 UTC

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The dappled glow of security lights through a privet hedge is a magical ambience.
Romantic, like Romeo and Juliet, secretly meeting, but with a lasagne and mayonnaise sandwich instead of a young lover.

2025-07-25 13:40:17 UTC

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Yes they were. I just did a quick search and Walkers have started making them recently. Will keep an eye out.

2025-07-25 13:31:42 UTC

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None were available sadly

2025-07-25 11:19:05 UTC

It's happening! This is not a drill!
Crispy bacon and fried egg sandwich incoming.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/913/577/920/172/809/original/4fd6c67a1973f70f.jpg

2025-07-24 23:20:24 UTC

I'm here for the fluff, the joy and the nonsense.
There's too much other noise for me at the moment. It's nobody else's responsibility and I'm not asking anyone to be quiet, in fact I cherish people speaking up and out, I'm just saying if I unfollow or disengage it's me not you.
When I can take my head out of the sand I do, but I need to opt in, not opt out.

2025-07-23 00:26:42 UTC

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Theres one of these about 20 ft from my front door (long since decommissioned as a public phone).
My neighbours houses have thatched roofs too!
I do live in the 21st century but you could be mistaken if you popped round for a cup of tea one day.

2025-07-20 16:08:09 UTC

I'm like Heston ruddy Blumenthal here.
I can confirm the flavour ratio needs to be 2 Frazzles to 1 egg chip as the egg overpowers a single Frazzle.
#Science
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/886/407/418/504/567/original/822cecd716af8efe.jpg

2025-07-19 01:32:52 UTC

Right, you phone bastards, I need to sleep.

2025-07-18 12:26:43 UTC

Free gig ticket!
I have a spare ticket to see B12 plus support at the Jazz Cafe in Camden (London UK) tonight if anyone wants it.
No payment required, no need to meet me, I will send the ticket via a DM.
There are still standing tickets available so if you want to buy one and take a friend it's effectively half price.
Details here:
https://thejazzcafe.com/event/test-pressing-live-b12-space-dimension-controller-apiento-dj-set/?=

2025-07-14 22:12:32 UTC

Random memory. A couple of years ago our family went on holiday to the Norfolk coast (UK). We had the dog with us so spent the evenings in the house we rented, having a drink and a laugh.
For a week we binged 2 TV shows. Nothing else. Those shows were Twin Peaks and Rastamouse (note Rastamouse is a show for 5 year olds and we were all adults).
Best holiday ever.

2025-07-14 15:54:20 UTC

This seems like a good moment to mention a resource for parents of children in the UK with SEN (special educational needs) or disability. They provide guidance and legal advice to help children get the SEND support they are entitled to.
This charity are amazing. Cannot speak highly enough of them.
https://www.ipsea.org.uk/

2025-07-08 16:37:58 UTC

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This only works if Kyle has an equivalent buying obsession (in my case vinyl records) which can be used as an offset for leverage.
3 vinyl records = one car boot full of plants.

2025-07-08 00:25:27 UTC

I should probably go to bed as I'm entering the fever dream, stream of consciousness posting phase of my day 😱

2025-07-03 11:54:11 UTC

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Frigging in the rigging? Wanking on the planking?

2025-07-02 23:59:45 UTC

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White that shit up 😂
I've told this story before but whatever. It's in my head now.
In MoMA New York there was an unruly boy running around. His Mom finally realised he was a nuisance so called him at the top of her voice "So Crates, So Crates!"
It took a minute to realise she was pretentious enough to call her kid Socrates, but not pretentious enough to know how it's pronounced 👀
Meow.

2025-07-02 23:32:08 UTC

North American friends.
You, rightly, get confused by stupid English place names. Leicester being a key example. Lie sest er on the page but it's Lester when pronounced. We've got loads of these, apologies, it's not you it's us.
However, Arkansas. What the fuck is that about? I read about that place so many times until I finally clicked how it's pronounced.
Kansas, Texas. Yep, we know that. Kan sas. Put AR in front of it and it becomes Ar Ken Saw. What?! Where is the W coming from? Where is the Ken?
The wildest thing about the Arkansas confusion for me was when I met a couple from Arkansas in a smoking area outside a hotel in Chicago. I raised this point and neither of them had ever considered that Kansas and Arkansas were pronounced completely differently.

2025-06-28 17:20:42 UTC

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BV went out completely uncensored even though it was clear early on they weren't going to keep quiet.
Someone's getting sacked in the morning. I expect the papers will have a field day with it.

2025-06-28 17:14:48 UTC

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Yep, I watched it live and posted exactly this afterwards. Definitely getting censored.
Someone at the BBC is in a lot of trouble tonight. BV did not come to fuck about. How did the BBC not see it coming I'll never know.

2025-06-25 21:11:03 UTC

I don't miss twitter much but in the old days it could be quite fun.
I followed a guy called Roger Quimbly and every 6 months he'd post this
"Heinous.
Does that rhyme with Penis or Anus?
Send your one word answers to @PiersMorgan "
And Piers Morgan would have a day of tons of people just tweeting Penis or Anus at him. The first couple of times he had no idea why. Brilliant.

2025-06-20 12:40:11 UTC

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Has anyone checked to see if the Royal Albert hall is still there this morning?

2025-06-19 22:34:56 UTC

Got one.
Q: Who's the coolest bloke in the hospital?
A: The ultra-sound guy.
Q: What if he's on holiday?
A: Call the hip replacement guy.