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Mat B

https://beige.party/@TwoClownsEating

Don't believe everything a little bird (X) tells you.

I'm a silly fucker.

Music, nonsense, random stories (always a story) and whatever comes to mind.

Not a racist, a homophobe, a transphobe or a bigot. Basically not a cunt (I do swear so if that is not for you, I'm definitely not for you).

Please add #AltText i.e. descriptive descriptions, to your pictures for visually impaired and all people. No decent description, no boost from me.

Profile picture: A Polaroid photo of me, a small bird, whispering into the ear of a once devestatingly handsome man who made bad hair choices, about 25 years ago. Being a Blue Tit, I'm probably dead now. I may have been dead at the time.
Header: Black and white photo of a now destroyed piece of emulsion slogan graffiti on a wall in Kings Cross (London, UK). It reads "Rave is Best". I'm sure there's a story behind it but the criminal responsible has never been identified.
Pronouns: He/Him/That Idiot/Dad, why are you like this?
Beige 4 Life: Fedivesrsian since November 4th 2022

Public Key

npub1sn6ehxu5g7m4ep5067ykyema6cxwc3h09rgw8dyp5tza8vwz2vlsdt2gsh

NIP-05 Address

twoclownseating_at_beige.party@momostr.pink

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsgfavmnw2y0d6us68a0ztzva7avr8vgmhj358rkjq693wnk8p9x0cpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dslurjvw

Publishing to

relay.snort.social

Author Public Key

npub1sn6ehxu5g7m4ep5067ykyema6cxwc3h09rgw8dyp5tza8vwz2vlsdt2gsh

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Published at

2026-03-19T18:01:17Z

Kind type

Event JSON

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Last Notes

2026-03-13 22:51:48 UTC

I've had 51 birthdays so far (52 if you count the day I was born but for this purpose it doesn't count) but I can barely remember anything about any of them.
51 days about me. Fuck all. Now I never make a fuss about these things, I don't like it being about me (really Mat, that seems unlikely; but it's true).
Literally my only birthday memories, in full, are as follows
6) Hedgehog birthday cake made by my mum. Chocolate sugar cream icing, chocolate buttons for spines. I can still see it in my mind. Epic 70s cake game.
7) Joint party with my older cousin at my grandparents house in the garden. They tied balloons to the apple tree's otherwise empty branches, like plump fruit, no idea why but it stuck with me.
21) Drank 2 bottles of wine before even leaving the house on a night out at university. Very drunkenly told an unsuspecting friend (now Mrs B) in a shockingly unguarded moment, "one day, Mrs B (not her name at the time), you will be mine". Creepy or romantic? I've never quite reconciled.
Hangover and massive regret in the morning. It was another 3 months until we got together or even mentioned the incident. 32 years later, she's the one with regrets.
24) Cockney birthday. Had Pie and Mash in a proper east end place, and went to the greyhound racing track. End of the night, drunk (hmm there's a theme here) I decided to do a lap of honour, jumped the barrier and proceeded to do a lap of the track in the arena.
400m on sand, drunk, full pelt. First corner, sweet, second corner, uh oh, this is hard, legs going wobbly and only 150m in. Staff shouting at me to get off, lungs and legs burning, but then a cheer from the stands, drunken punters and my mates urging me on. I made it, barely, hopped the barrier and proceeded to throw up.
Apologies to the staff of Walthamstow stadium that night 😬 but you're only 24 once.
That's pretty much it, all I remember. I have another one soon but I can't imagine it will be very memorable. Not bothered but just goes to show, in my case, how these things don't matter in the long term, so don't expect much.

2025-10-10 17:18:40 UTC

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I don't mind a few, heron there, but they rarely quack me up.

2025-10-10 14:55:18 UTC

Had a fucking intense day today, very much not in a good way. Things are calm now but I'm still a bit shook up. I need some online loons to bring back my equilibrium.
Oh, hi folks 👋

2025-09-12 21:26:13 UTC

My plan for the weekend is to do the square root of fuck all.
Less if I can manage it. If that's mathematically/physically possible.

2025-09-02 22:07:26 UTC

TL:DR In the old days not everything was cynical
I don't want to sound like an old sod but two things close to my heart from the 60s and 70s are unimaginable in the modern age. Both examples were publicly funded, and the freedom and free thinking back then are almost impossible to comprehend in the modern day.
1) The NASA Voyager One probe Gold record. As a vinyl enthusiast this is like catnip to me. A record, made of gold, shot out into space (now flying beyond our solar system) etched with hieroglyphics of how to play the content of the disc for alien civilizations to interpret. Images of humans, directions to locate us and a selection of sounds representing the music of earth and brief, welcoming messages in dialects from across our planet.
A wholesome message in a bottle from Earth. No politics, no religion, no commercial interest, just reaching out to the cosmos. Hopeful. Strangely naive in a kind of cute way. Uncynical.
2) The BBC Radiophonic Workshop. A program where sound boffins, men and, unusually for the times, women, were basically paid and given resources to fiddle about making electronic sounds/music for the BBC. An experimental audio laboratory, publicly funded, with little to no agenda other than to produce audio for TV and radio. Delia Derbyshire (one of my heroes) created the original Dr Who theme which, to this day, is one of the most starkly original pieces of music produced in the last century. Nothing like it had ever been heard before. She made music and sounds that today are commonplace but in 1963, were revolutionary. Publicly funded, no commercial or political influence.
Nothing remotely like this had been heard by the general public, now we take it for granted.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/136/973/446/144/439/original/f7fc9cec242a6eb9.mp3

2025-09-02 14:51:03 UTC

Tomorrow evening, 19:30-22:30 (UK BST), is my monthly community radio show if anyone is interested. It will be available on catch-up after broadcast.
This month's show is entitled, Tragic Roundabout.
https://openradio.mixlr.com/events/4501834

2025-08-27 09:13:59 UTC

Need a timeline cleanse so here's a terribly executed joke (stolen from elsewhere).
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/099/925/931/491/091/original/750ef3821eb310cc.jpg

2025-07-25 11:19:05 UTC

It's happening! This is not a drill!
Crispy bacon and fried egg sandwich incoming.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/913/577/920/172/809/original/4fd6c67a1973f70f.jpg

2025-07-20 16:08:09 UTC

I'm like Heston ruddy Blumenthal here.
I can confirm the flavour ratio needs to be 2 Frazzles to 1 egg chip as the egg overpowers a single Frazzle.
#Science
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/886/407/418/504/567/original/822cecd716af8efe.jpg

2025-07-02 23:32:08 UTC

North American friends.
You, rightly, get confused by stupid English place names. Leicester being a key example. Lie sest er on the page but it's Lester when pronounced. We've got loads of these, apologies, it's not you it's us.
However, Arkansas. What the fuck is that about? I read about that place so many times until I finally clicked how it's pronounced.
Kansas, Texas. Yep, we know that. Kan sas. Put AR in front of it and it becomes Ar Ken Saw. What?! Where is the W coming from? Where is the Ken?
The wildest thing about the Arkansas confusion for me was when I met a couple from Arkansas in a smoking area outside a hotel in Chicago. I raised this point and neither of them had ever considered that Kansas and Arkansas were pronounced completely differently.

2025-02-24 21:57:30 UTC

- reply

I don't know, maybe consumers now are desensitised to this nonsense. Seems a weird thing to do.

2025-02-08 21:41:20 UTC

Just realised, I've never taken the back off to see if there's anything written on the picture.
How brave are we feeling?
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/970/420/896/069/645/original/5d94fdbc868927d2.jpg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/970/420/983/283/202/original/5057855b1cf1cab7.jpg

2025-02-08 18:43:44 UTC

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I looked it up on Discogs and it appears to have been released in May last year. Definitely a bootleg, can't find it for sale anywhere. Quite a find.
I hope you drop it in a DJ set, I reckon it will go off with folks of a certain vintage.

2025-02-08 18:28:07 UTC

I collect random old stuff, particularly things that feel like they have a little story hidden in them, such as this Victorian mousetrap, that will catch but not kill mice.
It's ingenious and quite crudely hand made. Not a commercial product, just a crafted, humane little box made to solve a domestic mousey problem. Still works 150 years after somebody made it. I'm sure the maker never imagined some random man in the year 2025 would hold it in his hands and wonder about them.
Just trying to catch mice in the 1800s without squishing them. I salute you, whoever you were, kind craftsperson.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/969/656/911/702/045/original/416081af8b3c302e.jpg
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/969/656/997/185/467/original/c4f841d33fe18014.jpg

2025-02-07 21:59:45 UTC

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Damn. I didn't even know that was released, let alone on vinyl. That's in my musical DNA. Fuck.
*Adds to list*
What a find! Well jell.

2025-01-23 17:55:25 UTC

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This is a family show 😂

2025-01-23 14:47:14 UTC

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Darling I treated you to a little something to wear in the bedroom...
Is this, a badger pelt?

2025-01-22 22:52:58 UTC

I've shared this before but I love it so here it is again.
Jeff Mills armed with only a Roland 909 drum machine bringing a Techno party in a box.
You see these Instagram DJs playing mp3s, twiddling knobs and touching buttons purposefully. This isn't that nonsense. This is a man who knows his instrument. He's Jimi Hendrix with a drum machine.
Not for everyone but worth a look if you're curious.
https://youtu.be/eU-UsvYbIV0

2025-01-19 18:15:26 UTC

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Wow.
That's the internet equivalent of slapping him across the face with a glove.
Nick, you must demand a duel.

2025-01-19 01:37:47 UTC

I touched on this in the past but am curious how you sound, your actual voice and accent.
We read each other's posts, and there are hints at what we might sound like, but we don't know.
I'd love to hear voice notes of you all but understand that's quite personal. If you're up for sharing your voice that would be amazing, but if not what's an approximation?
I have the demeanor of Roy Kent from Ted Lasso (sweary and deadpan but not as deep) with a bit of Danny Dyer and a touch of Kenneth Williams camp.
You?

2025-01-17 22:31:51 UTC

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Cracking picture (pun very much intended).

2025-01-16 00:25:49 UTC

I just posted a long post (because I can). Here's a shorter, but less interesting, one.

2025-01-15 15:17:35 UTC

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Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. It's a novel that details the creep of colonialism in Nigeria from the perspective of a tribal leader. It's an absolutely fantastic book.

2024-12-29 12:39:08 UTC

On the tube and saw a poster for a Bill Bailey show (British comedian).
That got me thinking about banal celebrity encounters, as I have had quite a few in my time.
Boxing day, about 10 years ago, I drove the kids to Westfield shopping centre, Shepherds Bush, to visit the Lego shop. As I tried to reverse park the car I saw Bill Bailey in my rear view mirror, waiting patiently in his car behind me. I found this incredibly distracting and took 3 attempts to park, an increasingly frustrated looking Bill Bailey in my rear view upon each attempt.