Fesshole 🧻

Official Fesshole account on Mastodon - Rob Manuel reads your 100-400 confessions submitted a day and chooses what to post.

A https://B3ta.com production

Public Key

npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

NIP-05 Address

fesshole@mastodon-social.mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqstxgl34zv646g936yv33sk089w6sqqmj2a8cyqyfpnmyvumt0yygcpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerfw36x7tnsw43qvrhven

Publishing to

relay.ditto.pub

Author Public Key

npub1kv3lr2ye4t5str5gerrpv7w2a4qqphy460sgqgjr8kgeekk7gg3syz4ts6

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Last Notes

2026-04-23 20:20:05 UTC

When I see someone I haven't seen in a while, I often call them "buddy", "chief", "skipper", "boss", "captain" or something similar. They think it's a term of endearment. It's not. I can't remember their name

2026-04-21 20:20:07 UTC

I'd always planned on getting a job in a funeral directors' business as I like quiet and expected that dead people wouldn't keep yakking on. I had no idea how many living people I'd need to work with. Needless to say, they all wanted to prattle on, so I left.

2026-04-19 10:20:05 UTC

I hate a colleague so much that I set up notifications on my phone for when the football team he supports plays. I rejoice when they lose.

2026-04-17 14:20:06 UTC

My ex & her new partner are bringing my 11 y/o son up as a vegan. I asked him if it was his choice - he said no & he hates the food. So now every Friday when he stays at mine we fire the BBQ up & have steak, ribs & wings. It's the most we've ever bonded.

2026-04-06 13:20:05 UTC

Person who applied for a job at my company listed Brainfuck as a programming language they were proficient in. I didn't select them for an interview. Yes I know it's a real language. It's also unusable. Deal with it, Brainfuck fans.

2026-04-02 15:20:05 UTC

As a straight man in my 40s, I have to say that the spell check function on Grindr is absolutely shocking.

2026-04-02 07:20:08 UTC

I assumed most guys masturbated to Miss Piggy growing up in the late 1970s and early 1980s; having mentioned this to friends down the pub; it turns out I was very very mortifyingly wrong.

2026-04-01 20:20:06 UTC

When visiting a service station on the motorway and using the loo, I always find the cleanest urinal and pull out a fistful of pubes to scatter over the bog. Silly I know but I do.

2026-03-28 21:20:06 UTC

Ex wife was one of *those* people who stockpiled toilet paper at the start of the pandemic. Stacked floor to ceiling taking up half the garage. March 2026, I've just used up the last roll from the stockpile. Almost six years worth of shitting.

2026-03-28 11:20:07 UTC

When I go for a shit at work I take the toilet roll out of the other cubicles so if anyone comes in they have to go get some toilet roll at the other side of the building leaving me to enjoy my shit in peace.

2026-03-28 09:20:06 UTC

When I get a spam/sales call, I tell the caller he has reached General Hardesty at Strategic Command Headquarters in Omaha, and I urgently need the launch codes. Childish, but this is sometimes the highlight of my day.

2026-03-28 08:20:07 UTC

I'm a brit living in America. At my office there's no kettle, but we have a hot water dispenser. Today it's broken. When I lamented I can't make a cup of tea, a colleague suggested I microwave the water. Trump is not the only thing that makes this place a hellscape.

2026-03-28 04:25:10 UTC

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Manchester, Hull, Glasgow, Luton & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/304/898/252/317/169/original/f25a0a8cbe01cb3f.png

2026-03-27 10:20:05 UTC

I'm 42 nearly 43 and I have a very overactive imagination. I have created my own fantasy wrestling company. I run through all the matches, segments and results in my head every night as it helps me fall asleep. I keep documents listing all my champions and title histories.

2026-03-26 10:20:06 UTC

I'm a ventriloquist. When I go home with my dummy I sometimes have full conversations with him & sometimes tiny arguments. Bit worried about myself. History of mental illness in my family as well.

2026-03-25 11:20:05 UTC

I stopped buying toilet paper during the shortage of 2020. Figured that much of the world doesn't use it anyway, so I switched to using my left hand with soap and hot water. Never felt cleaner and won't go back to toilet paper. No need for a fancy bidet either.

2026-03-24 12:20:05 UTC

If you work in a mid-range corporate hotel and have received an aggrieved complaint about the TV not working, it's probably because of me. I hate that fucking red LED flooding the room with light when I'm trying to sleep so I find the mains socket, switch it off and leave it off.

2026-03-23 21:20:06 UTC

Funeral director by day, shibari instructor by night. Worlds collided a few years ago when a customer asked if her deceased (sub) husband could be buried in bondage. Boyo sleeps eternal in rope, gag, and chastity cage. She's got the key and wore it at the funeral.

2026-03-23 18:20:05 UTC

We tried food sex once. Horrible. I wanted to eat strawberries and cream off his body but his chest hair got into everything. He applied an aerosol can of "cheese product" on my body but couldn't lick it off before it hardened and got stuck to ny skin like putty.

2026-03-23 13:20:05 UTC

18. Retail job and already sick of working but need to move out. People often shoplift on my shifts, sometimes leave beeping. Couldn't care any less, good for them really. I'm not defending anything for minimum wage.

2026-03-23 12:20:07 UTC

I don't mind AI for small things but I don't understand people who use it non stop for everything. If my husband says "according to Chat GPT" one more time, I'm going to divorce him.

2026-03-23 04:25:10 UTC

2026-03-22 23:20:05 UTC

I'm a bit of a miser and have a cold, so I've been trying to preserve uses tissues by unfolding them once fully used and drying them out above the radiator. Yes it's a bit gross and sub optimal, but I must've saved almost £2 by now

2026-03-22 16:20:05 UTC

Teach people to drive for a living. Had a fully deaf pupil which was fine and ideal really. Music up, not having to make conversation as well.Cracked out a whopper of a fart as well mid lesson without fear of them hearing it. Forgot that deaf people can smell.

2026-03-22 15:20:05 UTC

Full time carer to a normally lovely older gentleman, he asked me recently to help him with his TV because his son had blocked GB News. Given he's reliant on an immigrant to survive, I decided I was doing him a favour by "trying" but failing to unblock it.

2026-03-22 14:20:05 UTC

Part of the reason i agreed to get a dog was I was hoping to find or discover something interesting like a dead body or evidence of a crime, always read in the local paper that such things were "found by a dog walker". Seven years in and found nothing, gutted.

2026-03-22 11:20:07 UTC

At meetings that I think are a waste of time, I retaliate by wasting even more time over meeting agenda minutiae, or by asking to go over minutes of old meetings.

2026-03-22 10:20:06 UTC

My phone number is a 7-digit prime that shows up in the digits of pi. My husband's phone number is a 7-digit prime that shows up in the digits of e. We met when training students for the Maths Olympiad. The fess is how nerdy we both are.

2026-03-21 18:20:06 UTC

32 years a teacher, and I'm still scared of footballs on lunch duty

2026-03-21 17:20:06 UTC

I work at a well known fizzy drinks company in a quite high up position. Most people in my work circle won't touch the drink as it's poison and everyone knows it.

2026-03-21 11:20:05 UTC

Not a fess, more an apology, Portugal 2006, offered to give a piggy back to a lass who wanted to come back to the apartment, misjudged her weight in my drunken state, fell over, landed on her leg, she was in pain and I ran off with my mates in sheer panic. If that was you, sorry

2026-03-21 09:20:06 UTC

Only bloke at work: toilet was unisex & you could see who went in there from the staffroom. Went for a piss, saw skid marks in the toilet. Tried to piss them off, failed. Knew I couldn't leave them there as they'd think I was the skidder. Took ages to clean them off.

2026-03-21 08:00:04 UTC

Burdened by a confession? Use this link to share it with Fesshole: https://b3ta.com/addfess

2026-03-20 18:20:06 UTC

We had new blinds fitted and the guy that did them seemed kind of awkward and in a hurry to get out. My wife told me later he was someone she'd shagged a few times behind his wife's back many years ago. Is it wrong I was annoyed he didn't offer us mates rates on the blinds?

2026-03-20 12:20:05 UTC

Primary school teacher. Me and my colleague who teaches the other class take turns to make maths worksheets for both classes to do. Made him one where the answer to every single sum is 67 and you could hear the shrieks across the school.

2026-03-19 15:20:07 UTC

I'm a teacher. Some of my best behaviour tips come from dog training videos, but there isn't really a way to tell my colleagues which doesn't sound terrible.

2026-03-19 12:20:07 UTC

Married with kids. For years had a platonic "work wife" I was secretly in love with. She left the country and at the leaving party her best friend said "so you're the guy she's been crushing on all these years?". Then she was gone. Still think about her everyday.

2026-03-19 10:20:05 UTC

I'm Italian and my husband's not, and for years his gnocchi got more praise from dinner guests than mine. It made me feel inferior. Today I learned he's been secretly adding MSG to his gnocchi dough, like he's in a food competition, to undermine me.

2026-03-10 09:20:06 UTC

Worked for an independent BMW/MINI retailer & if you ever had a full stop, after your name on a letter or invoice it wasn't a typo. It was an internal note that you were an arsehole.

2026-03-09 22:20:05 UTC

I used to watch a porn actress but unsubscribed from her channel years ago because at the start of one of her videos she was reading The Daily Telegraph before the man arrives and they start bonking. Daily Telegraph can go hang.

2026-03-09 13:20:07 UTC

I am terrified of being caught looking at female colleagues' cleavage. Out of cosmic self-defence, when speaking with a female colleague, I look everywhere else except at them. They probably think I'm a weirdo.

2026-03-09 08:20:06 UTC

I've been a paramedic a few years now and let me tell you. Old dudes dying of a heart attach in bed with beautiful ladies, never happens. But over half of our cardiac incidents are guys wanking alone in front of a screen. Might be because of the city where I work, I guess.

2026-03-08 22:20:05 UTC

Every weekend my wife makes me a list of chores to be done, with the heading JOBS. I always add 'Steve' to the end of the list as a little act of rebellion. I still do the jobs.

2026-03-08 11:20:07 UTC

I get great enjoyment from sitting and watching the washing machine go round. I can't tell anybody this because even I think I sound like a huge sociopath.

2026-03-08 08:00:03 UTC

Confession time is now. Fill out the form: http://b3ta.com/addfess

2026-03-07 19:20:05 UTC

My first job was I worked for British American Tobacco in Woking in the UK as an admin girl about 1996. I kid you not there was free cigs to help yourself from, in cigarette boxes, in the elevators, on desks, in boardrooms and in the toilet.

2026-03-07 14:20:06 UTC

I occasionally end up designing websites, and when I do, accessibility requirements permitting, I largely choose the colours based on how amusing their hex value is. Just picked #DADADA as a dark mode text colour because saying it out loud made me chuckle.

2026-03-07 12:20:07 UTC

Late 1980s, after last orders. Gang of us bounced someone's Reliant Robin across a road and into one of the old, open-fronted, pebble-dashed bus shelters. It fit perfectly, lengthwise. Sorry.

2026-03-06 20:20:06 UTC

I'm a vicar in a small rural village. I could never say this to my flock because of the outcry, but Reform are blatantly opposed to genuine Christian values and it's clear that anyone considering voting for them has not been listening to a single word I say each week

2026-03-05 17:20:05 UTC

I'm 6 months into my new job & I've never listened to my voicemails.

2026-03-05 13:20:05 UTC

My students' writing topic was "If you could send one modern item back in time to one specific era, what item and era would you pick?". Huge range from "bicycle to China, 500 BCE" to "rabid badger to Boris Johnson's college room, 1984".

2026-03-05 10:20:07 UTC

I once rejected a new hire at work because she unapologetically and proudly told me she was a Hufflepuff.

2026-03-04 20:20:05 UTC

After my boyfriend broke up with me I reported his favourite pub for selling drugs on crime stoppers dot com

2026-03-04 12:20:06 UTC

I have a crap old TV and my mates all have swanky smart ones. But the smarts mean they are 20-90s behind live matches. So in the group chat I am a genius with my comments because I see the future.

2026-03-04 12:10:13 UTC

If you divide England up into thirds then almost everything you've heard of is in the Midlands. You probably live in the Midlands mate. Get over it.
A slide from Fesshole Live which is in Leeds (which is in the Midlands) at 8:00pm tonight. Come and fight us. Tickets in profile.
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/170/827/463/211/637/original/a8a1929e7395bcc2.png

2026-03-04 09:20:06 UTC

Thought I saw my mother in the distance in the shopping centre and started waving frantically at her. Fucking mirror.

2026-03-04 04:25:11 UTC

Come to Fesshole Live in 2026! Tickets on sale for Glasgow, Leicester, Luton, Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malmö, Göteborg and Stockholm, and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole, audience confessions, secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
https://files.mastodon.social/media_attachments/files/116/169/002/867/507/207/original/543d64c708ba573b.png

2026-03-03 18:20:05 UTC

On Linux forums I, a woman, would get ignored and disrespected. These days I ask my question, then switch to a fake account to give a completely wrong answer, then switch back again to thank them and praise their Linux knowledge. The experts show up right away. Sorted.

2026-03-03 08:20:06 UTC

I accidentally trained my dog to growl at people I don't like. I just need to look at him, look at the victim, then wrinkle my nose. "I'm so sorry he doesn't seem to like you, he gets this way sometimes, perhaps best if you go I'm afraid". He gets a treat when they leave.

2026-03-02 23:20:06 UTC

I purposely bought a radio without a volume knob at a car boot sale so I could tell the wife 'they offered it to me for only a fiver, I couldn't turn it down'. She didn't get it. It's in the bin.

2026-03-02 19:20:05 UTC

I like to hold a length of dental floss across my bum hole and slice a turd in two, like I'm cutting some cheese.

2026-03-02 17:20:05 UTC

As a teenager I had a very tedious job working on the till. To entertain myself I would affect various different regional accents when serving customers. This came in handy when someone complained to head office about the Scottish cashier.

2026-03-01 21:20:07 UTC

To embarrass my kids I started doing stupid elaborate sneezes - sudden, screaming, shrill, performative, whole-body convulsive sneezes. I can't stop though, it's no longer an act. This is me now. Did one in a meeting at work last week, which terrified 8 people in the room.

2026-03-01 20:20:06 UTC

Added a fried egg to a pizza. It improved the pizza. Tried it with lasagne. Same. I've been adding fried eggs to everything and it is always an improvement: vegetable soup, tarka daal, tahchin, black forest gateau, and even apricot crumble. I think I have an egg fixation.

2026-03-01 18:20:05 UTC

Wife went to doctor as she'd regularly wake up at exactly 2am with no explanation. He prescribed vitamins. On the way to the shop I remembered that I've set the washing machine, dishwasher and dryer to come on at 2am to save on electricity. They all beep when they start running

2026-03-01 12:20:06 UTC

Forced to use AI at work, hate it. Usage is monitored so I can't avoid it. I've set up mine to play a Sim City clone. It burns through tokens, making crap cities that quickly go bankrupt. Just been told that I'm getting a bonus for being a top user.

2026-03-01 09:20:05 UTC

A former girlfriend was into sex challenges. She challenged me to watch a Farage interview on TV while she gave me a blowjob. My fess is that later whenever she suggested sex I would quote Brexit lines from that interview as a joke. Eventually she dumped me.

2026-02-28 23:20:06 UTC

Since Covid I've been working from home and only going into the office three days a month. I actually work from hotels and go travelling and use a VPN to bypass IT checks.

2026-02-28 21:20:05 UTC

Left my stressful, shit IT job to pursue my passion of writing for a couple of months before I got a new job. Unfortunately, it turns out I was only passionate about writing when I was doing it to procrastinate at my shit IT job.

2026-02-28 08:20:07 UTC

Wife set the smart bulb in our room to turn on/off when someone claps. You can probably guess what happened when we had sex.

2026-02-27 20:20:06 UTC

My teenage daughter has the hots for the boy down the road. I'm unable to tell her that he is gay as I have been sleeping with him and I wouldn't know would I?

2026-02-27 19:20:05 UTC

I often imagine lasers coming out of the ends of my toes, cutting holes in nearby furniture. I assumed everyone did this so had never mentioned it to anyone before, but my partner insists no-one else does it. Surely everyone does though?

2026-02-27 18:20:06 UTC

After making a lentil and sausage casserole I gave birth to an otter in the loo - a two flush job. Was tempted to take a photo for the wife and she's peeved I didn't. Marriage is wonderful.

2026-02-27 10:20:05 UTC

During boring Teams meetings, I recite to myself the names of all 197 world capital cities. My geography knowledge has shown tremendous improvement. Thanks Teams.

2026-02-27 08:20:07 UTC

We adopted a dog. Lovely in everyway except when someone farts - when it rushes over to them and tries to smell their bum. Even silent ones it hears or detects. Having people over is a nightmare - embarrassing for all concerned

2026-02-26 09:20:06 UTC

I'm worried about what it says about me that the Instagram algorithm only ever points me towards a bunch of complete cunts.

2026-02-25 20:20:05 UTC

Was a computer programmer as a student and helped a big company produce a hugely successful ZX Spectrum game - for a laugh managed to put a pixelated cock in one of the backgrounds and it has NEVER been noticed.

2026-02-25 15:20:05 UTC

Aged 11 I hated my teacher and keyed his car. As an adult I worried that this act meant I was a sociopath. Saw said teacher a few years ago in an airport having a go at his wife. Turns out he's still a massive twat and 11 year-old me was just an excellent judge of character.

2026-02-25 12:20:05 UTC

Bought a car this week using inheritance. They charged £1,700 to my card instead of £17,000. I know it's wrong not to report it but I genuinely dont have huge bundles of cash & that amount is life changing. So far kept quiet. How long before I can actually spend the cash?

2026-02-25 11:20:07 UTC

First date, guy shows up wearing a leather jacket. When he took it off I saw that in had leopard print on the inside. We never made it past the initial drinks.

2026-02-24 17:20:06 UTC

I always use the disabled toilets. They are usually much cleaner and spacious. Never been caught yet.

2026-02-22 04:25:10 UTC

2026-02-21 20:20:06 UTC

For 42 years I've picked the pickle out of my Big Macs. Today I didn't. It's just slow march to death now isn't it. 42 years pickle free, gone. Ugh.

2026-02-21 17:20:06 UTC

In Amsterdam, took magic truffles, went to a park, waited for them to kick in. Mate got nauseous and vomited before proper digestion. Woman's dog ate his sick. She looked at us in disgust, but imagine she'd have been even angrier when her dog eventually began tripping balls.

2026-02-20 22:20:05 UTC

Daughter's boyfriend asked my permission to ask her to marry him. I agreed on the condition he's wait until May. I'm getting my new motorbike in April and if he did it before then, my wife would make me divert the money to the wedding fund. He agreed. Top lad.

2026-02-20 19:20:05 UTC

I'm in a new relationship after being single for 11 years. We've just been away to Lisbon and had a fantastic time, but not being able to look at porn the entire time is making me wonder if it's worth it.

2026-02-19 12:20:07 UTC

We're told to use AI at work. If I weren't three years from retirement, I'd be looking for a new job. Instead I've decided to use it as much as possible to drive the cost up and the code quality down. It's not as if I care if the shit shop goes under once I'm out.

2026-02-19 10:20:07 UTC

When I was a pub landlady I had an argument with a deaf customer. The only thing I could remember in sign language was the sign for biscuit, but the sign for wanker is universal. So the entire length of the argument was me calling him a "biscuit wanker". Not my proudest moment.

2026-02-19 08:20:06 UTC

When the football team I support signs a new player, particularly an overseas one, I'll often Google his wife or girlfriend to check whether I'd consider it, if we bumped into each other at a game, and she came on to me. I'm 53, overweight, bald and broke.

2026-02-09 22:20:06 UTC

Management asks us to write long manuals for the board on using our company's database software. I have been padding it out with chapters from a printed 1990s manual for WordPerfect 4.0. Nobody has even noticed it.

2026-02-09 17:20:05 UTC

If you call me during my lunch hour 12.30 to 1.45 pm and you are selling I'm not going to buy. If you are a customer there's a high probability I'm going to give you a worse price. Have a fecking lunch break.

2026-02-09 09:20:05 UTC

Back to work after a three week holiday. Found a Muller Corner in my desk drawer that I'd forgotten about on my last day. Two weeks out of date and stored at room temperature. Still looked and smelled OK. Ate it. Didn't die. What the hell is in that stuff?

2026-02-09 08:20:05 UTC

I use Grindr a lot but not for sex. I love looking at the decor of the homes people photograph themselves in. I've had suggestions for delightful chairs, curtains, and wallpaper by messaging men on Grindr.

2026-02-08 10:20:06 UTC

I work a specialist admin job in a large university. After several restructurings I was left without a line manager. I think they just forgot about me. Not been given any work in three years. I just turn up occasionally and work a few side hustles from the office.

2026-02-07 19:20:06 UTC

I've stopped eating the office biscuits. Now we are overflowing with extra packets. Turns out it was solely me, scoffing on six packs of Chocolate Digestives a week.

2026-02-07 15:20:05 UTC

Finally found a barber I like. Minimal chatting, good job, quick work and good price. Yesterday he said my recent cold was because of my Covid jabs and waffled on for 25 minutes about it. Lunacy. I can never return and have to find a new barber.

2026-02-06 20:20:06 UTC

As I get into my mid 60s, some people think it funny or embarrassing that I still wear my old punk gear, including studded wristband and bullet belt. It's actually for leaving the odd scratch on one particular posh car that parks right outside my driveway. Vive le rock.

2026-02-06 16:20:06 UTC

Senior Developer in the Civil Service. I always feel unmotivated and depressed this time of year, so to make myself feel better at work I draw small pixel football kits in MS Paint, like I did when I was a kid.

2026-02-06 12:20:05 UTC

AI has taken my job. I'm that guy in the office who you used to ask how to word an email when you needed it to be particularly succinct, whatever the subject matter, I was there for you. There are thousands of us. Fuck you AI.

2026-02-05 17:20:06 UTC

I used to have sex with my Sponsor. They thought two women being paired together to beat Coke addiction would cause less temptation than a man/woman.