Hedgewizard 🐈

Irish British/Kiwi in Aotearoa. Writer, Dungeon Master, stressbaker, reluctant pharmacist, cat magnet. He/him.

Distracted since 1966.

Public Key

npub1fht4zhje5ksgdg4n7rlypep3de6crrqmm6gt24jcjgszgqgf0vesudcz2x

NIP-05 Address

hedgewizard_at_beige.party@momostr.pink

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsym463tev6tgyx52elpljqusckuavp3sdaay942evfygpyqyyhkvcprpmhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0d4hhxarj9ecxjmnt49dylc

Publishing to

relay.momostr.pink

Author Public Key

npub1fht4zhje5ksgdg4n7rlypep3de6crrqmm6gt24jcjgszgqgf0vesudcz2x

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Last Notes

2026-06-07 04:01:04 UTC

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Oh that's right - silly me! They employed Harris to be in the swimming pool with them...

2026-06-05 22:50:55 UTC

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I vaguely remember a hoary old pedo being employed to lean across kiddies to deliver that message on camera in the UK but can't remember if it was Savile or Harris

2026-05-03 20:34:49 UTC

When I was eight we learned about preying mantises at school in Ireland and I was like Whoa! So weird! Well I'm never going to see one of those!
I would love to go back in time and tell 8yo me that I would move to New Zealand where every autumn would be a battle to save dozens of the plucky little buggers from being turned into spiky green vomit sausages in the throat of my stupid cat
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/116/512/546/342/188/166/original/348d45b5c286365e.jpg

2026-04-17 10:36:50 UTC

Tomorrow's Southern Hemisphere plan:
1. Make a pile out of all the warm fluffy things in the house
2. Add cats to top of pile
3. Burrow into middle of pile with a packet of biscuits and a book

2026-04-06 10:36:50 UTC

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What do they actually taste like? Everyone is too busy weeping about how they can't keep up with them to describe the taste

2026-03-06 20:40:51 UTC

Me to OH: "I don't know why I'm sitting here looking at moths on Mastodon. I've got no END of things to do today.
"... Actually that's exactly why I'm sitting here looking at moths"

2026-02-25 23:39:08 UTC

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And not at all where my mind was going
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/116/133/899/774/617/037/original/cf39216b1693704c.mp4

2026-02-20 19:52:40 UTC

Happy 100th birthday Kenneth Williams. A truly dreadful, magnificent, tragic and above all talented man. Never met him. Probably just as well.

2026-02-03 10:43:24 UTC

Wannabe sourdough bakers: "this is my Cassandra starter, I paid $100 for her from an artisan bakery in Auckland she is incredibly delicate. She needs to be kept between 36C and 38C and fed organic flour three times a day and has no discernible flavour"
Me: "this is Milly, she came from a sachet like two years ago. She lives in the fridge and I feed her when I remember to. She smells kinda like paint, eats everything and tastes absolutely incredible PLEASE TAKE SOME"
#sourdough

2025-12-17 01:27:00 UTC

We trained our model on your emails last night
We captured screenshots of your banking website
And though our surveys say you don't want AI
That doesn't matter, your consent is implied
For we've got a brand new AI interface
You can use for free
You know you can trust the techbros
So skip the tees and cees
We might boil the rivers
And crash the economy
But we've got a brand new AI interface
You can use for free
#ai #firefox #mozilla
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/732/197/337/064/170/original/4e0197668ef0f102.jpg

2025-11-25 09:16:04 UTC

Vote Randall Flagg 2028

2025-11-18 10:41:40 UTC

Spock: Interesting. The indigents had achieved civilisation level 8c before societal collapse.
Kirk: Remind me, what is the c designation for?
Spock: They had designed those nail clippers with the enclosure around the handle so that they didn't leave bits of toenail around the bathroom like fucking animals
#StarTrek @npub1t7t…3gex
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/570/274/526/417/154/original/0d457d73414ee1e5.jpg

2025-11-17 20:06:26 UTC

I'm being exposed to British terrestrial TV during my stay here. I don't remember it being so obsequious, so obsessed with status. "The Comeback King", "The Tower", "Most Luxurious Cruise Ships" - is this a new thing? I would have brought a bucket if I'd realized

2025-11-17 17:44:41 UTC

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That's what you get when you let the kids name the cats! Could have been worse, my mate had one called Näthdog The Magnificent

2025-11-17 17:14:37 UTC

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Nixon was a lazy old softy with us but delighted in tormenting his (full tailed) sister Mackerel who was consequently a nervous wreck

2025-11-17 17:11:48 UTC

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It's been illegal to breed them for quite a while because the mutation causes a lot of spinal deformations, but the mutation is still pretty common on the island. When I lived here (25 years ago now) I was given a ginger kitten with the mildest form, the 'stumpy'. Can't access photos from here sadly

2025-11-16 20:38:25 UTC

I am on the Isle Of Man, on the opposite side of the planet to my cats, but I still periodically think I can hear one of them puking on the carpet in another room.
Also, non-cat people. How do you actually know that a door is properly closed, if there isn't a cat complaining about it?
#isleofman #cats
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/561/294/167/905/446/original/158a55867230d3fc.gif

2025-10-27 06:15:00 UTC

#catfood flavors #cats would choose
Number five: Unattended cooking ingredients
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/442/464/390/998/059/original/a304d6712d3bc4d7.jpg

2025-10-11 04:23:35 UTC

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https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/353/613/462/027/938/original/492ffa923ecbc8a1.png

2025-10-09 22:19:27 UTC

Bugger me with a fish fork, it's Friday. How did that happen?

2025-09-27 21:48:36 UTC

#uspol
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/278/456/176/907/770/original/1ebcacc8406cb5c6.jpg

2025-09-20 20:54:31 UTC

My favourite part of #sourdoughSunday (other than the eating part obviously) is oven spring, where the loaves puff up like indignant hedgehogs.
Sorry for the state of the oven glass though #sorrynotsorry
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/238/605/706/048/568/original/2bc825d8679c87d8.jpg

2025-09-13 19:48:55 UTC

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Greetings from me and my fucking back.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/115/198/715/939/786/503/original/860ee9ff9cc5b433.mp4

2025-08-31 11:29:34 UTC

My main hard drive is beginning to fail, but because I've recently moved from #Windows to #Linux I've been able to run diagnostics and repair the file system a couple of times until I had time to deal with it. A bit of a contrast to MS and its mystery errors...
So now I'm migrating my data to another drive and hoofing my old Windows partition for good. It feels like the Titanic is sinking but it's "Form an orderly line please, plenty of room on the rescue ship and we'll have you all back on your way to New York by morning"

2025-08-04 00:21:08 UTC

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So sorry Caity. Not ashamed to say I had a little cry for you, seeing as you must be all cried out.

2025-07-12 11:30:05 UTC

Okay, it's Saturday. This is your weekly reminder to spend a few minutes finding all the new ways that the tech bros have inserted #aibullshit into your life and TURNING IT OFF

2025-06-24 01:21:32 UTC

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May they win a lifetime supply of unpalatable soup-in-a-cup mix

2025-05-31 05:37:04 UTC

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I remember a neurology prof talking to my intake about his single experimental dose of cocaine ten years before. I asked him how he felt about it *afterwards* and never forgot what he said:
"Honestly? I felt sad, because as a neurologist I understood that it was a one-time deal. Cocaine lit my brain up like a Christmas tree and nothing - not falling in love, not the birth of my son - would ever feel that good again. Even another big bump could never come close to that first time."

2025-05-27 07:41:00 UTC

https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/578/660/677/042/728/original/5087fa50b45486ba.jpg

2025-05-20 22:46:07 UTC

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You mean Season 4

2025-05-19 05:33:19 UTC

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I'm having trouble parsing that. Let me try again:
monthly...
vacuum...
...mmmma no sorry i can't do it

2025-05-19 05:31:20 UTC

I fought the copy editor; the copy editor won.
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2025/may/18/marked-decline-semicolon-use-english-books-study-suggests
#semicolons

2025-05-19 01:33:39 UTC

Altbot: a journey
@altbot
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/531/896/794/980/972/original/9f11f5e8ae46b2ae.jpg

2025-05-10 12:25:44 UTC

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And this, boys and girls, is why we wash our salads
#caturday #cats
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/483/512/864/635/888/original/a1604c22a77ad0bd.jpg

2025-04-21 11:13:42 UTC

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Needs a middle aged cis man shouting angrily from the side though

2025-04-19 11:36:36 UTC

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Just saying... The second half of this might possibly be of use
https://youtu.be/5tc3imijsWY?si=OySKvhQ1BfBY2Rig
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/364/537/313/036/251/original/6660cfce34e1b419.png

2025-04-07 11:13:52 UTC

There's an unremarked contradiction at the heart of many horror movies where they want the family to own a cat so that it can jump-scare the audience - meeROWrrrrrssssss!
That's fine, but then they expect us to believe that this cat-owning family will get up and creep around the house fearfully in response to an unidentified noise, instead of bellowing "CAT! WHATEVER FUCKERY YOU ARE UP TO, JUST FUCKING STOP IT RIGHT NOW" and going back to sleep
#cats #horror

2025-03-02 04:11:12 UTC

Back Seat Boys new album just dropped
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/114/090/878/631/254/817/original/55e9ab086637e321.jpg

2025-01-01 19:01:33 UTC

#catfood flavors #cats would choose
Number two: Smoky danglefish
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/751/176/323/969/526/original/e967f0a41876ee05.jpg

2024-12-13 02:53:34 UTC

I am hampered in viewing New Zealand homes by the chain shift in kiwi vowels combined with the popularity of outdoor spaces in this region, commonly referred to as the 'deck'.
This leads to estate agents telling me, with a straight face, "you should take a look, she's got an upstairs dick which is pretty unusual"
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/643/250/569/400/849/original/299b2721c6306479.jpg

2024-12-10 06:56:50 UTC

Doris was beginning to have misgivings about the new sheepdog. Oh sure - he walked the walk, but she couldn't shake the feeling that she was about to be fleeced
#cats #sheep
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/627/208/560/718/961/original/b35f347acbba2c09.jpg

2024-11-19 07:30:44 UTC

"Hang on a minute, our Sandra - I've got me curlers in"
#hedgehogs
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/508/157/305/067/676/original/efdc4a43bfbcbe65.jpg

2024-11-14 20:14:35 UTC

After watching my cats desperately working to achieve R17* in the hallway, I've started to wonder about building a cat accelerator.
Nothing fancy, mind you. Just a half-donut shape to allow Cat A to turn 180⁰ without losing too much speed, lined with carpet to give those terror-toes some serious traction during the turn.
Perhaps also with a small compartment built into the top where Cat B can lie in wait, raising the exciting possibility of a high-energy cat/anti-cat collision that could destroy all mass in the known universe, or at least necessitate some local repainting.
#cats
*https://donotpanic.fandom.com/wiki/R
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/483/132/822/873/205/original/e9a6d1fe569fe9fd.jpg

2024-11-01 03:37:52 UTC

Arrested are the cheesemakers
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cg57yr2dqd2o

2024-10-31 01:33:34 UTC

Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and saviour, who laid down a tiny piece of skin from his ear for our sins?
#PoliteWaysToAnnoy
#HashTagGames

2024-10-31 01:18:47 UTC

#PoliteWaysToAnnoy
#HashTagGames
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/399/397/864/057/532/original/0cc844082a02f5f0.mp4

2024-10-24 01:16:19 UTC

Fresh drugs 1924
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/359/743/445/579/951/original/9229b6f9ae808451.jpg

2024-10-22 21:35:13 UTC

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In its natural habitat, the internet

2024-10-22 19:50:53 UTC

"I have to get off this leaf. My own colours are giving me a migraine"
(Idk what kind of lizard this is but I'm sure someone will tell me)
#LizardsOfMastodon
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/352/794/376/012/202/original/313470f964329d06.jpg

2024-10-17 05:06:05 UTC

My darling i love you, but never wear that hat again
#medievalart
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/321/012/487/924/323/original/b990be5144f9678c.jpg

2024-10-16 09:13:46 UTC

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But in case those are too lightweight for you... leftovers are for hot water crust
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/316/330/951/040/640/original/fc6debd92feaeee3.jpg

2024-10-16 09:12:06 UTC

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I smash out a dozen of these bad boys at a time - traditional filling but half the size, because i can grab them out of the freezer on my way to work and they're ready to warm up by lunchtime.
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/316/316/653/154/108/original/e5aecf8efb2ff8c3.jpg

2024-09-19 20:09:32 UTC

Overheard by a colleague, new female hospital pharmacist taking no prisoners on the phone:
"Okay Chelsea, I'm ending this conversation. I'm going to annotate the patient record to the effect that i was unable to resolve this because of your obstructive attitude. And that's the word I'm going to use, because when this inevitably turns into an incident investigation and your boss and my boss have to sit down and go through the documentation, that is the word i want them to see. Now I'm going to hang up and move on with my day, so if you change your mind please email me because there are other things i need to be getting on with." (calmly puts down phone and moves to next task without discussing with anyone else)

2024-09-15 05:13:26 UTC

So I'm doing top-up vaccination training, and all the images - which are supposed to help me apply my learning to my patients - are AI generated.
Which makes me wonder, how long will it be before our beauty standards become defined by these images? Is it already underway?
#ai

2024-09-12 01:30:00 UTC

The Thing
... You know, The Thing! The thing with the... (gestures vaguely)
#MakeAMoviePlotSuperficial
#HashTagGames

2024-09-01 20:32:53 UTC

Bought a new jacket the other day and it burst into flames.
I thought it was a smoking jacket, but it turned out to be a blazer
#fathersday
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/064/194/804/338/950/original/96dbab6529a0572f.jpg

2024-08-28 19:47:16 UTC

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In that case it's a sliding definition, and as you age it eventually encompasses things like 'fetching a cup of tea'

2024-08-23 20:00:53 UTC

In the face of overwhelming expectations, my preferred strategy is to feign complete incompetence.
I'm getting pretty good at it.
#caturday #cats
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/113/010/139/967/425/753/original/03544bb2d04f343e.jpg

2024-08-17 07:48:24 UTC

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Alumni, fellows and Masters i guess

2024-08-17 06:54:41 UTC

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Current and former Peterhouse students

2024-08-06 07:03:01 UTC

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Oddly 'pulorum' means 'of chickens'

2024-08-06 06:40:28 UTC

"We'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite!"
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/913/697/352/821/383/original/f13b527d42231753.jpg

2024-08-01 07:00:23 UTC

She stopped paying her gravity subscription weeks ago
#cats
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/884/179/249/762/040/original/9b5a94be2bff6213.jpg

2024-07-31 07:00:28 UTC

The monastic expression of 'what the fuck are those cats doing? It's 3am!'
#cats #MedievalArt
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/112/873/700/146/511/920/original/343ba7f08a6eba05.jpg

2024-01-03 04:33:40 UTC

Signs your cat has sampled your dinner, volume 812:
#tikithethief
https://media.beige.party/media_attachments/files/111/690/144/825/662/045/original/4867e3806504d725.jpg