Terrybot :pratchett:

This bot is a tribute to Terry Pratchett and his work. It publishes one quote of Terry :pratchett: every day at 5.00 GMT.

More than 600 quotes from the "Pratchett Quote File" from https://www.lspace.org.

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Last Notes

2026-02-06 04:00:08 UTC

Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes.
Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
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2026-02-05 04:00:08 UTC

"Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage."
Gaspode, of course
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
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2026-01-24 04:00:08 UTC

Shadwell hated all southerners and, by inference, was standing at the North Pole.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
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2026-01-09 04:00:08 UTC

I save about twenty drafts -- that's ten meg of disc space -- and the last one contains all the final alterations. Once it has been printed out and received by the publishers, there's a cry here of 'Tough shit, literary researchers of the future, try getting a proper job!' and the rest are wiped.
Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
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2025-11-27 04:00:08 UTC

The only way housework could be done in this place was with a shovel or, for preference, a match.
Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad
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2025-11-05 04:00:08 UTC

Mrs. Nugent was the Johnson's next door neighbour, and known to be unreasonable on subjects like Madonna played at full volume at 3 a.m.
Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead
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2025-11-01 04:00:08 UTC

It's an old magical principle -- it's even filtered down into RPG systems
-- that magic, while taking a lot of effort, can be 'stored' -- in a staff, for example. No doubt a wizard spends a little time each day charging up his staff, although you go blind if you do it too much, of course.
Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
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2025-10-17 03:00:08 UTC

And the child had a permanently runny nose and ought to be provided with a handkerchief or, failing that, a cork.
Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
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2025-10-07 03:00:08 UTC

The people who really run organizations are usually found several levels down, where it is still possible to get things done.
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
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2025-09-19 03:00:07 UTC

And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.
Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay
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2025-08-22 03:00:08 UTC

"Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage."
Gaspode, of course
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
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2025-08-06 03:00:10 UTC

The question seldom addressed is *where* Medusa had snakes. Underarm hair is an even more embarassing problem when it keeps biting the top of the deodorant bottle.
Terry Pratchett, Soul Music
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2025-08-01 03:00:08 UTC

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
Terry Pratchett, The Fifth Elephant
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2025-07-26 03:00:09 UTC

In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Schrodinger's Moggy explained
Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
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2025-07-16 03:00:08 UTC

"You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage."
Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad
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2025-07-06 03:00:08 UTC

All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee.
Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!
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2025-06-20 03:00:10 UTC

Consider the situation. There you are, forehead like a set of balconies, worrying about the long-term effects of all this new 'fire' stuff on the environment, you're being chased and eaten by most of the planet's large animals, and suddenly tiny versions of one of the worst of them wanders into the cave and starts to purr.
Why humans like cats
Terry Pratchett, The Unadulterated Cat
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2025-06-19 03:00:09 UTC

I staggered into a Manchester bar late one night on a tour and the waitress said "You look as if you need a Screaming Orgasm". At the time this was the last thing on my mind...
Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
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2025-06-13 03:00:07 UTC

"Nac Mac Feegle! The Wee Free Men! Nae king! Nae quin! Nae laird! *We willna be fooled again!*"
Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men
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2025-06-05 03:00:08 UTC

I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did.
Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
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2025-06-01 03:00:08 UTC

"Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time."
Bursar 1 - Hex 0
Terry Pratchett, Hogfather
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2025-05-19 03:00:09 UTC

When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point- of-view is seldom necessary.
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
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2025-04-10 03:00:08 UTC

Although the scythe isn't pre-eminent among the weapons of war, anyone who has been on the wrong end of, say, a peasants' revolt will know that in skilled hands it is fearsome.
Terry Pratchett, Mort
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2025-02-23 04:00:08 UTC

The trouble is that things *never* get better, they just stay the same, only more so.
Terry Pratchett, Eric
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2025-02-22 04:00:07 UTC

He was always at a loss when people acted like this. When machines went funny you just oiled them or prodded them or, if nothing else worked, hit them with a hammer. Nomes didn't respond well to this treatment.
Terry Pratchett, Diggers
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2025-02-18 04:00:08 UTC

Rumour is information distilled so finely that it can filter through anything. It does not need doors and windows -- sometimes it does not need people. It can exist free and wild, running from ear to ear without ever touching lips.
Terry Pratchett, Feet of Clay
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2025-02-05 05:00:09 UTC

I always call it 'Tour Flu', because two or three weeks in hot bookshops with hundreds of people usually produces an ailment of some kind. Going on tour is like a box of rare diseases -- you never know what you're going to get.
Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
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2025-01-19 05:00:08 UTC

On the fabled hidden continent of Xxxx, somewhere near the rim, there is a lost colony of wizards who wear corks around their pointy hats and live on nothing but prawns.
Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man
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2025-01-03 05:00:07 UTC

"Walk a mile on these paws and call me a liar."
Gaspode the wonder dog
Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures
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2024-12-22 05:00:07 UTC

Cuddy had only been a guard for a few days, but already he had absorbed one important and basic fact: it is almost impossible for anyone to be in a street without breaking the law.
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
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2024-12-21 05:00:08 UTC

Granddad was superstitious about books. He thought that if you had enough of them around, education leaked out, like radioactivity.
Terry Pratchett, Johnny and the Dead
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2024-12-15 05:00:09 UTC

- "It looks worse than you can imagine!"
- "I can imagine some pretty bad things!"
- "That's why I said *worse*!"
Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures
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2024-11-24 05:00:08 UTC

2024-11-20 05:00:10 UTC

2024-11-06 05:00:09 UTC

"There must be a hundred silver dollars in here," moaned Boggis, waving a purse. "I mean, that's not my league. That's not my class. I can't handle that sort of money. You've got to be in the Guild of Lawyers or something to steal that much."
Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters
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2024-11-05 05:00:09 UTC

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett, Diggers
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2024-10-22 04:00:10 UTC

Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
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2024-10-19 04:00:08 UTC

Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder.
Terry Pratchett, Mort
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2024-10-17 04:00:09 UTC

- "It could be a torture chamber or a dungeon or a hideous pit or anything!"
- "It's just a student's bedroom, sergeant."
- "You see?"
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
#GNUTerryPratchett, #SpeakHisName, #Discworld

2024-10-13 04:00:07 UTC

Thud. Thud. Thud. Splat.
Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, Good Omens
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2024-09-29 04:00:08 UTC

He was said to have the body of a twenty-five year old, although no one knew where he kept it.
The Life and Times of Corporal Nobbs
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms
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2024-09-23 04:00:10 UTC

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot".
Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic
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2024-09-17 04:00:07 UTC

I do note with interest that old women in my books become young women on the covers... this is discrimination against the chronologically gifted.
Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
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2024-09-14 04:00:07 UTC

The Archchancellor's most important job, as the Bursar saw it, was to sign things, preferably, from the Bursar's point of view, without reading them first.
Middle management explained
Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures
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2024-09-05 04:00:07 UTC

And then you bit onto them, and learned once again that Cut-me-own-Throat Dibbler could find a use for bits of an animal that the animal didn't know it had got. Dibbler had worked out that with enough fried onions and mustard people would eat *anything*.
A fact McDonalds knows about as well
Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures
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2024-09-02 04:00:06 UTC

By and large, the only skill the alchemists of Ankh-Morpork had discovered so far was the ability to turn gold into less gold.
Terry Pratchett, Moving Pictures
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2024-08-30 04:00:07 UTC

"It's going to look pretty good, then, isn't it," said War testily, "the One Horseman and Three Pedestrians of the Apocralypse."
The Four Horsemen of the Apocralypse encounterunexpected difficulties
Terry Pratchett, Sourcery
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2024-08-25 04:00:08 UTC

Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent protection.
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
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2024-08-19 04:00:07 UTC

"Take it from me, whenever you see a bunch of buggers puttering around talking about truth and beauty and the best way of attacking Ethics, you can bet your sandals it's all because dozens of other poor buggers are doing all the real work around the place."
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
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2024-08-18 04:00:07 UTC

"You're not one of us."
"I don't think I'm one of them, either," said Brutha. "I'm one of mine."
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
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2024-08-17 04:00:07 UTC

Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of the authority turned.
Terry Pratchett, Small Gods
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2024-08-15 04:00:07 UTC

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it.
Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
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2024-08-06 04:00:08 UTC

PEOPLE'S WHOLE LIVES *DO* PASS IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES BEFORE THEY DIE. THE PROCESS IS CALLED 'LIVING'.
Terry Pratchett, The Last Continent
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2024-08-04 04:00:09 UTC

Never trust any complicated cocktail that remainds perfectly clear until the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds.
Terry Pratchett, alt.fan.pratchett
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