Col

East Midlands, UK. Ex cop. Post humour, art and good stuff. My posts may not be totally original, I follow all views without endorsement. I block those who want arguments on here. LCFC.

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npub1udjvpra5xerxf0q5aljel2752ymgpm5gqut7czn80kyqchkpp5zqm3npuw

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countcol_at_mastodonapp.uk@mostr.pub

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nprofile1qqswxexq376rv3nyhs2wlevl4029zd5qa6yqw9lvpfnhmzqvtmqs6pqpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujumt0wd68ytnsw43qzyvgvt

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npub1udjvpra5xerxf0q5aljel2752ymgpm5gqut7czn80kyqchkpp5zqm3npuw

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Last Notes

2024-08-07 06:55:17

Just heard there might be a hosepipe ban, so I've bought 3 from B&Q before it kicks in.

2024-08-06 06:09:07

You can teach a cat anything that it wants to learn.

2024-08-05 16:20:33

A single bomb dropped from a B-29 bomber on the morning of 6 August 1945 killed a third of Hiroshima’s population and wiped 70% of the city off the face of the earth. Dropped at 8:15 am, less than a minute later, a blinding flash was followed by a wave of destruction almost beyond human imagination. An estimated 80,000 people were killed instantly by the intense heat of the explosion.
The Atomic Age had arrived with a vengeance, and the world would never be the same again.

2024-08-04 17:50:43

Things to do:-
1) Stop making lists.
B: be consistent
7- learn to count.

2024-08-03 08:33:18

Google, has surely won “the gold medal for worst Olympic ad”, says Caroline Mimbs Nyce in The Atlantic. Their US ad is about a little girl who loves American runner Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone. She tells her dad she wants to write her idol a letter – he fires up Google’s AI chatbot and gets the algorithm to do it for her. What a bleak message. “It takes the feel-good cliché of a child getting to interact with their idol and squishes a multimillion-dollar large language model between them.”

2024-08-03 07:41:04

I got asked for proof of age the other day.
"Do I look that young?" I said.
"No, I just wanted to see if you qualified for the senior citizens discount!" ☹️

2024-08-02 12:59:26

Drinking bottled water now comes with “extra perils”, says Isabel Oakeshott in The Daily Telegraph. The reason for this is a new EU law mandating that the lids must be attached to the bottles, to encourage people to recycle both bits. But trying to drink anything with the cap still attached is impossible. And wrenching them off typically involves spilling half the contents or tearing your lips on the jagged edge. I thought that we didn’t have to follow all their idiotic rules anymore.

2024-08-02 06:26:23

I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realise I wasn't listening, and then I have to start all over again.

2024-08-01 08:56:20

He doesn't always go the extra mile, but when he does, it's because he missed the exit.

2024-07-31 07:50:13

I asked my mate to pass me the phone book. He laughed, called me a dinasour and handed me his iPhone.
Well, the bug is dead, and so is the iPhone now!

2024-07-30 06:03:49

"I would like a complaint form, please,"
"Sorry, We have none left"
"Then I would like two complaint forms, please!"

2024-07-28 17:46:20

The inventor of the cliffhanger has........

2024-07-28 06:35:30

"All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time."
Julie Andrews

2024-07-28 06:33:57

She was sorry that she sprayed WD40 in his mouth. But it did stop that whining noise he was making.

2024-07-28 06:33:03

I like it when a good discussion on here is ruined by someone who knows what they're talking about. 😃

2024-07-26 06:59:45

I'm not sure what the part of my brain that used to store telephone numbers is doing now.

2024-07-25 19:20:41

When you're on your third "Hmm" but they just keep talking...

2024-07-25 19:19:53

Should I call you, or should we quickly resolve this with 200 text msgs?

2024-07-25 09:11:33

Top 10 phone scams in UK. Please stay alert.
1. Phone contract scam
3,419,100
2. Debt scam
1,568,776
3. Utility scam
1,494,591
4. Energy scam
1,428,304
5. Billing scam
1,298,175
6. Insulation scam
1,044,064
7. Bank scam
987,423
8. Life insurance scam
943,588
9. Housing repairs scam
801,206
10. Survey scam
699,866
Scams typically involve fraudsters 'spoofing' a business’s phone number to avoid detection. Spoofing also makes it seem as if they’re calling from the same area or country as victims.

2024-07-25 06:29:30

"Life is the dancer, and you are the dance."
Eckhart Tolle

2024-07-25 06:27:32

Why is there always shops selling luggage at airports? Who is going on holiday with armfuls of clothes saying, "We'll pack when we get there."

2024-07-24 16:02:38

- reply

@npub1a72…ze5k 😉

2024-07-24 07:26:27

We split up because of my obsession with football.
Shame really, we'd been together for over 2 seasons.

2024-07-23 06:31:48

I saw a Microbiologist the other day.
She was much bigger than I expected.

2024-07-22 06:26:53

There's a new Cannibal themed restaurant opened in town. It's £50 per head.

2024-07-21 12:53:19

I was doing up my trousers quickly whilst singing Disney songs.
And now I’ve zippered my doo-dah!

2024-07-21 07:52:40

Anchovies are “always a good idea”, says Christopher Beckman in The New York Times. They are small, fast-growing fish that can be sustainably caught and packed with protein and Omega-3 fatty acids. During the 1960s, excavators in Pompeii unearthed 2,000-year-old pots that still exuded the pungent smell of garum, the vastly popular anchovy sauce. In the ancient Roman recipe compendium known as Apicius, the world’s oldest cookbook, 350 of the 400-odd recipes use it.

2024-07-21 07:34:14

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change."
Charles Darwin

2024-07-20 07:12:19

"Should you find yourself in a chronically leaking boat, energy devoted to changing vessels is likely to be more productive than energy devoted to patching leaks."
Warren Buffett

2024-07-20 07:08:34

My sleeping pattern is not even a pattern anymore, it's a freestyle.

2024-07-18 07:41:17

- reply

@npub14wv…ahnv I see. I've always regarded zero as an even number...... 😂

2024-07-18 07:35:41

- reply

@npub14wv…ahnv Ah, a swap. Tactical snacking! I love it. 1 for 1 or 2 for 1? 🤔

2024-07-18 07:29:06

- reply

@npub14wv…ahnv up to 9? You are generous. 🤔

2024-07-18 06:49:27

How many French fries is it okay for a friend to take before you tell them to order their own?

2024-07-18 06:48:55

You never realise how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun.

2024-07-17 13:18:00

Caves on the moon could prove the ideal place to build a lunar base, says BBC News. Scientists have known about them but new cameras have revealed their true scale: some are thought to be up to 170 metres deep and 100 metres across, and lead to cavernous underground networks. Helen Sharman, the first British astronaut says they offer the perfect foundations for a permanent structure on the moon, and thinks humans could potentially be living in lunar pits in just 20 years’ time.

2024-07-16 15:43:29

My life feels like we're in Season 6 of a series, and the writers are just making up crazy shit to keep things interesting.

2024-07-16 06:46:15

You know that awesome feeling when you get into bed, fall right to sleep, stay asleep all night and wake up feeling refreshed?
Me neither!

2024-07-16 06:45:12

Standing in line sucks, I wish this woman would just hurry up and pick a suspect.

2024-07-14 17:55:16

The Euros Cup Final is shown live on both BBC and ITV in England. In Scotland and Wales, they are showing an episode of 'Wish You Were Here'.

2024-07-14 07:27:43

"By desiring little, a poor man makes himself rich."
Democritus

2024-07-14 07:26:09

I saw a guy at Starbucks the other day. No mobile phone, no iPad, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee like a psycopath.

2024-07-13 19:30:28

Employer: Do you have any achievements you want to share from your last job?
Me: I'm responsible for several new rules in the employee handbook.
Employer: That's impressive. You wrote them?
Me: No, HR did!

2024-07-12 18:47:11

I don't have time to Google lyrics. I sing what I hear.
"Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth."

2024-07-12 13:00:20

Extreme heat in America’s Death Valley National Park is making it impossible for air ambulances to take off, says The Atlantic. Temperatures over 49ºC, now a regular occurrence in the valley, make the air too “thin” to give a helicopter the lift it needs to get off the ground and safely stay there. With no air support, rescuers have no option but to brave the blistering heat to help isolated casualties – facing the very same conditions that created the emergency

2024-07-12 12:42:35

One statistic about the election strikes me as “truly weird”, says Matthew Parris in The Times. In 2017, Jeremy Corbyn consigned Labour to a “humiliating defeat” by winning his party 12,877,918 votes. In 2024, Keir Starmer won 9,704,655 votes and “swept to a landslide victory”.

2024-07-12 07:16:13

You know when your hand soap dispenser gets low and you add a little water to the bottle? I wish you could do the same thing to your petrol tank.

2024-07-11 13:51:06

Can you spot a scam? Ask yourself the following questions. If you answer yes to any 1 of them, there's a good chance it's a scam.
Have you been contacted out of the blue?
Have you been asked to share personal details?
Are the contact details vague?
Are you being asked to keep it secret?
Is the offer too good to be true?
Are you being pressured to make a decision?
Are there spelling and grammar mistakes?
Regardless - always speak in person to someone you trust if asked to give or do anything.

2024-07-10 14:36:03

During this year’s climbing season in the Himalayas, the Nepalese government sent a team of soldiers and Sherpas to collect rubbish from Mount Everest. In total, they removed 11 tons of general waste from near the peak – old tents, food packaging, oxygen bottles, ropes, and so on – along with four dead bodies and a skeleton. The oldest items were some rechargeable batteries from a torch used on an expedition in 1957.

2024-07-10 07:17:41

“Somebody forgot the corkscrew, and for several days, we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
WC Fields (remembering an African safari).

2024-07-05 12:24:46

Labour has won a “sandcastle majority”, James Kanagasooriam told Tortoise. “It might look impressive, but it could easily be swept away.” Starmer won 64% of the seats with just 34% of the overall vote – a record low for a British prime minister – and just 1.6 percentage points more than Jeremy Corbyn won in 2019. “But for the rise of the Labour Party in Scotland,” where the SNP lost almost all its seats, says John Curtice, “we would be reporting that basically Labour’s vote has not changed.

2024-07-05 06:51:31

Mate: "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Me: "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Mate: "Does it hurt?"
Me: "Well, I couldn't walk for a year."

2024-07-04 07:22:48

“Everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself.”
Leo Tolstoy

2024-07-04 07:19:31

Dating is just to decide if you like a person more than being lonely.

2024-07-03 07:24:55

“A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide nothing can be done.”
Ranulph Fiennes

2024-07-03 07:22:24

Relationship status: playing Strip Solitaire.

2024-07-02 18:30:04

5 people in an Audi Quattro are stopped at a checkpoint. The guard says, "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means 4."
The driver says, "Quattro is just the name, this car is designed to carry 5 persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies the guard. "Quattro means 4."
"You idiot!" the driver replies."Call your supervisor over. "Sorry, he's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

2024-07-02 12:52:10

'20th Century Boy' - T. Rex.
https://youtu.be/atmNLbycafM

2024-07-02 07:38:26

"Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
Homer Simpson

2024-06-30 07:02:10

"The gift of words is the gift of deception and illusion."
Frank Herbert

2024-06-29 13:42:29

I never have to worry about the 5 second rule.
I have a 2 second dog.

2024-06-29 13:22:52

'The Good, The Bad and The Ugly' - Ennio Morricone.
https://youtu.be/J9EZGHcu3E8

2024-06-29 07:16:56

School officials in Florida have banned a book about banning books. The Indian River County School Board voted to remove Alan Gratz’s somewhat provocatively titled Ban This Book, a novel about a girl who creates a secret library filled with forbidden texts. Board member Kevin McDonald said its title and theme “challenges our authority”.

2024-06-27 06:15:51

No one warns you how often you'll whisper, "righty tighty, lefty loosey" to yourself as an adult.

2024-06-26 20:05:21

Some people consider scars a badge of honour, they remind them that the past is real and we have earned those. My scar reminds me to not use a steak knife to separate frozen burgers.

2024-06-26 06:55:28

Scientists are now saying that the Brontosaurus may not have existed,
the Triceratops and the Stegosaurus are also questionable.
I'm gutted, because it means that my pyjamas are just meaningless. Now I'm starting to think there might not have been a Raquel Welsh in a fur bikini either!

2024-06-26 06:54:55

There are better things in the world than alcohol.
But alcohol compensates for not having any of those things.

2024-06-25 20:28:36

England are struggling to break down this Slovenia side. I wish I was a top manager earning £4m +. I should know what to do to win the game. #engsvn

2024-06-25 13:25:17

American journalists take themselves incredibly seriously, says Gerard Baker in The Times. The editor of The New York Times on 9/11. As the extent of the attacks became clear, the 1st thing he did was call his top team to work out what to do “if the paper itself were the next target”. In his mind it was plain that after the Pentagon, the Capitol and the World Trade Center, the next objective of the terrorists would of course be “the offices of The Most Important Newspaper in The Entire World”.

2024-06-24 14:28:35

People go on about Joe Biden’s supposed senility, says Susan Glasser in The New Yorker. They should try listening to Donald Trump at 78 only 3 years younger has confused Nancy Pelosi with Nikki Haley, Biden with Barack Obama, and South Dakota with Iowa. He interrupted a campaign rally in Nevada for an extended rant about sharks and electrocution. His speeches from 2016, seem “positively lucid”. “If ever there were a case for age-related diminishment of a candidate, Donald Trump is it.”

2024-06-23 07:04:14

“No pleasure is worth giving up for the sake of two more years in a geriatric home in Weston-super-Mare.”
Kingsley Amis

2024-06-23 07:01:59

Airport police have announced that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is still a problem as cases continue to rise.

2024-06-22 20:13:03

He got home drunk at 3am and found his wife had changed the locks and repainted the front door. As he stumbled away he noticed she had also gone to the lengths of changing the street name.

2024-06-22 16:52:39

Saudi Arabia has abandoned the petrodollar. The Saudis had agreed to exclusively use greenbacks to sell crude oil since 1974. Those greenbacks were used to stabilise the US economy and control inflation. Then, the US made up 36% of the world’s economy, this has fallen to 24% and will continue to fall. Saudi Arabia has now opted to join BRICs - a new alliance and are working on a new global payment system called mBridge with China, which is now its biggest oil partner.

2024-06-21 11:23:13

A UN Human Rights Council report has confirmed Israel is guilty of extermination, using starvation as a method of warfare, failing to distinguish between combatants and civilians, and violating pretty much every international law. The report found Israel has “systematically violated the principles of distinction, proportionality, and precautions in attack”. It also found that Israel is guilty of sexual and gender-based violence.

2024-06-20 12:08:09

Every time I try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, Sunmer, The Weekend, Thursday, Friday or Tuesday and ruins it for me.

2024-06-18 19:09:12

I have my very own built in alarm clock.
It's called a Bladder and it doesn't have a Snooze button.

2024-06-16 10:58:49

Writing obituaries is not a gloomy job, says Nigel Farndale in The Times. We recently described Sir Jeremiah Harman as a “rude, lazy, short-tempered, unpredictable” judge, a member of his family got in touch to tell us we’d got him “spot on”.
Euphemisms are used a lot; “an uncompromisingly direct way with the opposite sex” (flasher); “not known to toy with his food” (glutton); “remarkably liberated from the tyranny of ambition” (lazy); “comfortable with confrontation” (complete psycho).

2024-06-16 07:15:40

"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
Helen Keller

2024-06-16 07:12:51

Immature.
A word used by by boring people to describe me having fun.

2024-06-15 07:13:16

Pope Francis, is in trouble again, for allegedly repeating a homophobic slur just weeks after apologising for using it the last time. Speaking to 200 young priests this week about the number of gay clerics at the Vatican, the pontiff reportedly claimed there was an atmosphere of frociaggine, or “faggotry” – the same word he used in a private discussion last month. His Holiness also got in trouble last week for saying men have to do the talking because “we wear the trousers”.

2024-06-14 15:21:18

In 1939 a chap called Geoffrey Tandy was “summoned for war work” at Bletchley Park, says The Economist. As a botanist at the Natural History Museum, he wasn’t entirely sure what he could offer in the fight against fascism. It turned out that Britain’s spymasters had wanted an expert in cryptograms -Tandy was, an expert in cryptogams (algae). His botanical knowledge did come in handy – his expertise on saltwater algae “proved essential in salvaging German codebooks recovered from the sea”.

2024-06-13 18:02:38

Patient: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
Doctor: "That’s a big decision, have you talked it over with your wife and kids?"
Patient: "Yes, they took a vote and they’re in favour of it, 17 to 1."

2024-06-13 06:41:45

"Never look back unless you are planning to go that way."
Henry David Thoreau

2024-06-12 12:38:26

Woman: "That dress fits you like a glove."
Other woman: "Thank You."
Woman: "Yes, it sticks out in five places!"

2024-06-12 06:46:48

She always has the last words in an argument. Anything he adds is the beginning of a new argument.

2024-06-10 13:44:16

- reply

@npub1a72…ze5k The worst I've done is use the torch on my mobile phone in the dark to look for my mobile phone! ☹️

2024-06-10 13:28:39

We’re all saying Mount Everest wrong, says Mental Floss. The mammoth mountain is named after Welsh geographer George Everest, whose surname was pronounced “EVE-rest” – the emphasis on the first syllable, which rhymed with “leave”. Everest himself thought the peak should be known by its local name, “Chomolungma”, meaning “goddess mother of the world”.

2024-06-10 11:43:04

Between 2 evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried yet.

2024-06-10 06:34:25

I just put my glasses on to clean my glasses, but when I had my glasses on I couldn't find my glasses that I wanted to clean.

2024-06-07 18:40:01

WANTED: Person to brush their teeth with me as my dentist said brushing alone won't keep plaque away.

2024-06-06 06:32:55

Try to borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect to get it back.

2024-06-06 06:32:02

Give a person a compliment and you will make them happy for a day.
Teach a person to fish for compliments and you'll make everyone around them miserable.

2024-06-05 06:39:00

“Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets.”
Napoleon

2024-06-04 06:57:55

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey

2024-06-04 06:56:30

He waved back to a woman because he thought she was waving at him, but apparently she was waving to someone else.
To get out of this awkward situation he kept waving, a taxi picked him up and dropped him at the airport. He's now in Poland starting a new life!

2024-06-03 14:10:27

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

2024-06-03 06:29:27

You're only limited by your imagination!
Oh and time and money. Genetics of course and talent. Other people too and opportunity I suppose. Apart from those you can do anything!

2024-06-02 07:31:01

According to my height to weight ratio I should be 9 feet 3 inches tall. My weight is fine. It's my height that's the problem.

2024-05-31 13:44:38

Her: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain!
Me: Yes, well.... (can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain).