Fesshole 🧻

Official Fesshole account on Mastodon - Rob Manuel reads your 100-400 confessions submitted a day and chooses what to post.

A https://B3ta.com production

Add fess: https://b3ta.com/addfess
Live Tickets: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
BOOK(s): https://amazon.co.uk/s?k=very+best+of+fesshole&tag=b3ta-21
Podcast: https://audioboom.com/channels/5133334-fesshole-the-podcast

Public Key

npub1l0mhutdtu7s9qh0srrql3pc669f8ajpx6me2arzjqcy3w5wlk29swwgeaf

NIP-05 Address

fesshole_at_mastodon.social@momostr.pink

Profile Code

nprofile1qqs0ham79k470gzsthcp3s0csuddz5n7eqnddu4w33fqvzgh280m9zcpz3mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerpd46hxtnfduqs6amnwvaz7tmwdaejumr0dshhyyl5

Publishing to

relay.damus.io

nos.lol

Author Public Key

npub1l0mhutdtu7s9qh0srrql3pc669f8ajpx6me2arzjqcy3w5wlk29swwgeaf

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Last Notes

2026-06-21 08:20:06 UTC

Just interviewed a young woman who'd put two sets of letters I didn't recognise after her name on her CV and application. She explained that she felt she needed something to stand out so just added random letters. That's the sort of attitude this company needs. She got the job.

2026-05-12 20:20:05 UTC

Taught my nephew about rickrolling. He loves it and takes every opportunity to troll his parents, aunts and uncles, teachers, and friends' parents. My siblings and in-laws are unhappy but the meme is older than he is and it is now safe in the hands of the next generation.

2026-05-12 16:20:05 UTC

Daydreaming at work, I wrote down some titles of imaginary porn mags: The Sizzler, Spankee, Jiggles, DOLLOP!, Pussy Heat, Quim International, Hello Sailor, Slurp and a German one called Mushi. The problem is I've lost the note.

2026-05-11 18:20:05 UTC

On the train to work. Guy sitting opposite left his breakfast bar wrapper on the table when we got to the station. I was able to slip it back into his coat pocket while he was waiting for the doors to open. It was a great moment.

2026-05-11 14:20:05 UTC

Accidentally pushed the hot chocolate button on the canteen coffee machine when I already had a tea bag in the mug, too embarrassed in front of the attractive girl on the till to admit what I'd done, drank it anyway, delicious would recommend.

2026-05-11 08:20:07 UTC

Only bloke in an otherwise all-female dept. I once received a bollocking from HR because of my jokes, not because they are in any way racist or sexist - apparently my "excruciatingly bad dad-jokes that make everyone groan". Proud.

2026-05-10 21:20:05 UTC

I opened a package while walking through the park and signed because I'd accidentally bought a dozen whistles instead of just one. A kid asked why I sighed and I explained. She then asked for the other eleven. I wonder what a five y/o did with eleven really loud whistles.

2026-05-10 15:20:05 UTC

Had an argument with a radio DJ in a bar in Ljubljana. He said dragons never existed and I was convinced that we hunted them to extinction. He told all his listeners about our conversation the next day and made me the subject of a phone in. So glad it was pre-internet.

2026-05-10 14:20:05 UTC

As a kid you assume that your home life is normal and the weirdos are other people. Parents always jarred meat and vegetables and cooked it in the top shelf of the dishwasher. I assumed everyone did it and only found out it was a money saving tip when I moved in with bf.

2026-05-09 11:20:05 UTC

I still have nightmares that I've forgotten to return a stack of videos and the late fees are piling up

2026-05-08 22:20:06 UTC

New boyfriend. Gorgeous, kind, good in bed, cooks. Friend saying how lucky I was but surely he was too perfect and what if he had some kind of piss fetish or something? How does she think we met? It's 2026. The good ones are in sex dungeons or at Warhammer conventions.

2026-05-08 13:20:07 UTC

I work for a huge multinational company. By having a rolling PowerPoint deck running on my laptop my teams light is always green. I haven't done any work since 2020 and nobody has noticed. I'm nearly 60 and I'm a senior director in the firm

2026-05-08 08:20:05 UTC

Waitress. Born & raised in Glasgow, parents are Pakistani. (Very white) tourists show up, place order in "Indian accent" sounding like Apu from The Simpsons. Told them in my normal Scottish voice I couldn't understand them. Fess: I could, but had to discourage that bollocks.

2026-05-08 07:20:07 UTC

Been in a relationship with my wife for the last fifteen years, married last year. I have always done the cooking and she has always done the washing up in return. If we have an argument or fall out, I use more utensils and pans than necessary.

2026-05-06 22:20:05 UTC

The wife and I have a long-running difference of opinion about car GPS use. I set it so the direction of travel is on top. She sets it so that north is on top. We each switch to our preferred mode before each journey. Comments welcome about whether this is weird.

2026-05-06 12:20:07 UTC

I have been kicked from the extended family group chat because I told my uncle that no one wants to see his ai slop remixes of every picture that gets posted and he got rather upset. They don't even look like the people they are supposed to be.

2026-05-06 08:20:06 UTC

I love taking a Kindle to a club and reading in a corner. I'll never get more than 10 minutes into my book before one of the nicer and quieter lads asks if he can buy me a drink. We'll generally go somewhere quieter so we can discuss literature.

2026-05-05 19:20:06 UTC

On a software project, I used dummy text as a placeholder to be replaced later with actual descriptive error messages. Predictably, not all instances were fixed before release, and bemused corporate clients reported "Error: There is sauerkraut in my lederhosen".

2026-05-05 11:20:06 UTC

My current boyfriend has decided to renovate the bedroom of my house including removing the walk in wardrobe. In it was concealed suitcase of hardcore bondage sex toys from my dim and distant past hidden at the back. I put it in the local Salvation Army clothes donation bin.

2026-05-03 17:20:06 UTC

In the early 90s I was at a car boot sale and I sold an unused egg whisk to TV star Bob Carolgees for £1. He was happy, I was happy. Pretty much a good day all round.

2026-05-02 13:20:05 UTC

If I've have a particularly satisfying visit to the toilet and nobody is around, I'll loudly say "Cracking shit Gromit!" in Wallace's broad accent.

2026-05-01 20:20:05 UTC

I was well into my 40s, having raised three kids, before I realised that the first little piggy that went to market, wasn't going shopping.

2026-05-01 14:20:05 UTC

To cause confusion in meetings, I use biweekly, fortnightly, bimonthly, postpone, prepone, backdate, frontdate, momentarily, momentously, memento, momentum, etc, sometimes wrongly. Doing my bit of simple sabotage so we humans can find ourselves.

2026-05-01 12:20:06 UTC

My husband got asked out by a colleague at his work. I felt no jealousy when he told me, only disappointment when he told her he was married. Have an affair so I can fucking leave, please.

2026-05-01 11:20:05 UTC

As I enter my 30th year of being very happily married to a woman way out of my league, I have a message to young men: there is a secret to a successful relationship, it's being best friends with another couple where the man is a useless buffoon

2026-05-01 07:20:09 UTC

Fascinated by Jaws in James Bond as a little girl. I won a good amount of money and decided that it was time so asked the dentist to install stainless steel teeth in my jaw, replacing my regular teeth. She refused and sent me away telling me she thought I was stupid.

2026-04-30 15:20:07 UTC

My mate and I often work together. When we do I pull my t-shirt over my head, then he takes a photo and sends it to his wife telling her that my head has disappeared again. She despairs, and always tells him that it is still there under the t shirt. Been doing this for years now.

2026-04-30 11:20:05 UTC

When I found out my husband was cheating on me, I didn't confront him, i bought a burner phone made some anonymous social media accounts, and sent him proof he was cheating, along with a demand for money, and a threat to tell his wife.

2026-04-30 10:20:07 UTC

There is a town in the midlands in Ireland called Castlepollard and years ago me and a group of mates went round blanking out the Castle bit on several road signs and writing Sue instead.

2026-04-28 15:20:06 UTC

Just use the BirdNET app to identify the birds in the background of some German woodland outdoor porn (Chiffchaff and Blackcap). I hope my UK location doesn't confuse the biologists analysing the data too much.

2026-04-28 12:20:05 UTC

Told my wife I thought her mum had impressively firm breasts for a woman of 63. She only went and told her mum who was that chuffed she told the whole village. Mortified.

2026-04-27 17:20:05 UTC

I had a cancer diagnosis four years ago and the brilliant NHS successfully dealt with it. The fess is that I told nobody, including my family, and therefore avoided everyone's well-intentioned but intrusive and tiring meddling.

2026-04-27 14:20:07 UTC

30th birthday celebration in Edinburgh. I got the most drunk I've ever been to this day. I thought it would be hilarious to piss off George IV Bridge onto the Cowgate below. Friday night. Must have hit someone. So ashamed.

2026-04-27 12:20:06 UTC

To look very intelligent, I buy The Times and do the crossword on the train in pen. I fill in the grid with random words and letters. The important thing is to look confident while doing so.

2026-04-27 07:20:05 UTC

I'm 28 and I've been working in a large office for three years now. I just discovered that most people chew a Babybel instead of swallowing them whole. Apparently they like the texture.

2026-04-26 11:20:05 UTC

I am a freemason. I thought it would be all exciting secret world stuff. Its old blokes moaning about ceremonies and trying to get promotions, its like being in work. Its crap. No goats are involved and no secrets worth knowing. My nipple has never even been tweaked.

2026-04-25 13:20:06 UTC

My Spotify account seems to have been hacked for years by someone in South America. I could actually do something about it, but I love their playlists, so leaving it as it is.

2026-04-24 17:20:05 UTC

I used to have sex but found vetting the men increasingly challenging. So now I have Gü desserts instead. They last about the same time but are more satisfying.

2026-04-24 14:20:05 UTC

I've just completed the Warlock of Firetop Mountain for the first time without cheating. This was an impossible task in 1983. I'm now 51 and rather proud of myself. Freeway Fighter next.

2026-04-23 17:20:05 UTC

I once called in sick to work because there was a big spider on the stairs and I was too scared to go past it to leave the house.

2026-04-23 09:20:05 UTC

Have a technical job in IT with a lot of responsibility. Just found out that a few people in the team who constantly come to me for help with *everything* and near-zero responsibility are paid 15% more than I am. Guess they'll be having to sort their own problems out from now on.

2026-04-23 07:20:08 UTC

I changed my car insurance one month after joining a new company, purely because their hold music is AI generated slop, completely unlistenable, annoying, and ultimately, for me, a professional musician, insulting.

2026-04-22 22:20:05 UTC

I always switch the kettle off just before it comes to the boil. I know this means I'm micro-managing the kettle, and secretly, I think it loathes me for it.

2026-04-22 18:20:05 UTC

Just completed financial crime and fraud training online for work, can claim 30 mins for training time. It's my area of expertise so I did the course in 5 mins including the quiz, and will claim 30 mins, which is "fraud".

2026-04-22 17:20:06 UTC

No, it was you who didn't know what "Mounjaro" was and thought it was the new name of a Linux distro. I am clearly worldly and well-informed enough to not make that error in public.

2026-04-21 13:20:05 UTC

I do my laundry naked, so that all of my clothes will be clean at the same time.

2026-04-20 20:20:06 UTC

When I tell girls I'm in a band: sexy. When they realise it's a brass band: less so apparently.

2026-04-20 09:20:07 UTC

Sometimes when my dog has been chewing on a random object, I'll give it a go myself to see if he's onto something.

2026-04-19 21:20:07 UTC

Drove 17 y/o and friends to a house party last night. Once they were all buckled up I announced "party bus, activated!" Told this morning never to speak again in a mum taxi situation. I will speak again.

2026-04-19 17:20:05 UTC

Like how deep sea divers need to decompress, I need time to readjust after working with hexadecimal all day. Most embarrassing mistake I've made is to write 6 * 9 = 36 and had a child laugh at me.

2026-04-18 20:20:06 UTC

Had a crush on a man for months. It's been ruining my life. Been unable to think of anything else. Dominating my every waking moment. He's just posted a video to Instagram where he's wearing crocs and just like that, it's evaporated. Spell is broken. Thank god.

2026-04-17 14:20:06 UTC

My ex & her new partner are bringing my 11 y/o son up as a vegan. I asked him if it was his choice - he said no & he hates the food. So now every Friday when he stays at mine we fire the BBQ up & have steak, ribs & wings. It's the most we've ever bonded.

2026-04-17 11:20:07 UTC

After a messy breakup at 40 I decided to checkout of society for a while, built a mancave and spent my spare time smoking weed & playing games like a teenager. Five years later now and I still love it, gonna live this way forever, nobody can stop me.

2026-04-16 07:20:05 UTC

I once attended the funeral of my nephew's gerbils. It was held at twilight in the rain and there were readings and sobbing. They'd coincidentally both died on the same day, which was also the day before the family was moving house.

2026-04-15 18:20:05 UTC

When reading Sherlock Holmes stories I hear his dialogue in my head in Sean Connery's voice and I don't know why. "When you have eliminated the imposhible, Mish Moneypenny, whatever remainsh..." and so on.

2026-04-15 17:20:05 UTC

Our company does loads of shitty 'team building' events. The ice breaker is always 'tell everyone an interesting fact about yourself'. I always make them up. Last time I convinced everyone I drove the bulldozer in Bowie's Ashes to Ashes video.

2026-04-15 10:20:08 UTC

Went to a Christmas fare years ago. Spoke to the animal handler at the event & said the "antlers attached to the horses head make the reindeer look so authentic". He looked at me like I was crazy. I thought Reindeer's were mythical. Wife still reminds me of this.

2026-04-14 14:20:05 UTC

Getting my elderly mother a subscription to Private Eye last Christmas 'because I know you like Ian Hislop on TV' has been way more effective at reducing her right-wing rants than several years of effort by me & my siblings. Cheers Ian

2026-04-14 13:20:07 UTC

In the time before LinkedIn or job profiles with photos, it became clear that I was mistakenly hired for a job over someone with a similar name. My manager and I agreed to keep it quiet to save any embarrassment. Ended up staying there 8 years and replacing that manager.

2026-04-13 14:20:07 UTC

When me and an ex broke up I had to move out. Before leaving, my last job was removing a singular battery out of EVERY remote I could find. Why only 1 battery? I didn't want him to notice the weight difference if I removed all batteries. Longer confusion time.

2026-04-13 12:20:05 UTC

I once appeared in the audience of Who Wants to be a Millionaire and purposely chose the wrong answer when they used Ask the Audience as the contestant was a cock.

2026-04-12 08:20:06 UTC

As a GP I've heard people use many names for a penis but I had to excuse myself to laugh when a grown man called it his Mr Tinklepee. How he had contracted syphilis is a mystery.

2026-04-11 22:20:06 UTC

90s school trip to a theme park. Teacher warned us that a pupil from another school who wandered off from their group went missing and was found dead with all their organs missing. Terrified, we behaved perfectly all day. Took 20 years to realise he was lying. Well played sir.

2026-04-11 11:20:05 UTC

My son is 11,autistic, and obsessed with Minecraft. I manage a team of 4 Database Engineers. At some point I started to talk to them like how the parenting courses told me to communicate with my son and the team morale and overall performance has shot up so much we got an award

2026-04-10 21:20:05 UTC

I ate two packs of Waitrose Essential Sliced Mozzarella Cheese slices and the next morning did a turd that looked like one of those white dog poos bad comedians bang on about not seeing anymore. Will inevitably end up doing it again.

2026-04-10 18:20:05 UTC

In the early 2000s I used to vandalize Wikipedia for fun. My favourite was a user had a note on their page: "This page has been vandalized 14 times". I changed 14 to 15. They couldn't do anything about it.

2026-04-10 15:20:05 UTC

Changing my three year old into his swimming costume at a very busy CentreParks changing room and says "Daddy your Willy is TINY!" There was a noticeable drop in volume from the other cubicles. Thanks for that dude.

2026-04-10 14:20:05 UTC

Wife & I can't afford to divorce so we're stuck living together. Its utter hell living under the same roof as someone you hate & who hates you. I'm seriously thinking of moving to Middlesbrough as I can afford to buy there. Never been there but surely it can't be worse than this?

2026-04-09 16:20:07 UTC

I once stopped my car and let an old man cross the road. The only reason I did was because he had the best moustache I'd ever seen in my life and I wanted to get it on my dash cam!

2026-04-08 18:20:06 UTC

When I was a teen, I had a boss who said when he was a boy in the 1940s, his family "escaped Germany and moved to Argentina." I was so naive I assumed he was Jewish until I read his obituary and learned he was... not.

2026-04-08 07:20:05 UTC

Everytime I twist the nozzle on the showerhead to increase pressure, I imagine I am a dying Ricardo Montalban arming the Genesis device at the end of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn

2026-04-07 22:20:05 UTC

Six y/o daughter fell and needed to get stitches. To distract her from the pain I showed her a summary of research on how swearing helps you endure pain. She went back to school the next days and called her teacher a cunt. Cue awkward telephone conversation.

2026-04-06 22:20:05 UTC

I have a new girlfriend, she has a dog, who I feed my bogies too. The damn thing loves them.

2026-04-06 13:20:05 UTC

Person who applied for a job at my company listed Brainfuck as a programming language they were proficient in. I didn't select them for an interview. Yes I know it's a real language. It's also unusable. Deal with it, Brainfuck fans.

2026-04-05 16:20:06 UTC

I broke up our toddler group from antenatal classes by serving popcorn at a birthday party. One kid loved it but couldn't say it, so was shouting "Cock porn! Mummy! I love it! More cock porn!". Some of us collapsed laughing but the others really didn't see the funny side.

2026-04-04 22:20:05 UTC

I work in the creative industry and I can tell you with confidence that a huge number of design agencies take your money and simply outsource all of it to low paid freelancers overseas. You're basically paying them to forward emails.

2026-04-04 19:20:05 UTC

At work there is a woman who I occasionally work with whose name sounds a bit like Hentai. I now triple check anytime I send her a message and I MUST NEVER SAY HER NAME OUT LOUD.

2026-04-04 11:20:06 UTC

I listened once to YouTube video of a large electric motor to help me fall asleep with its monotonous sound. Now my entire feed is full of electric motor videos.

2026-04-04 09:20:05 UTC

Was playing with a glowstick in my mouth, chomping down on it like a cigar. Suddenly it ruptured and the chemical tasting glowing liquid dripped down my chin and shirt. I looked like a vampire feeding on a radioactive smurf.

2026-04-03 20:20:05 UTC

Concerned coworker waited for me to leave the cubicle to tell me a weak stream could be a sign of health issues. Was actually emptying out a couple of old, mouldy Capri Suns in the toilet.

2026-04-02 17:20:06 UTC

My mum had a meal schedule when I was a kid: chicken pie, fish pie, beef pie and so on. I always refused to eat shepherd's pie on Wednesdays because I thought she was using flesh from shepherds. She had to show me how she made it before I'd trust her.

2026-04-02 07:20:08 UTC

I assumed most guys masturbated to Miss Piggy growing up in the late 1970s and early 1980s; having mentioned this to friends down the pub; it turns out I was very very mortifyingly wrong.

2026-04-01 08:20:05 UTC

Late 40s. Wife suggested I shave my pubes. I thought we were trying something new and saucy. Turns out since we had the bathroom re-tiled, stray pubes are very obvious on the floor. I admire her practicality.

2026-03-31 09:20:06 UTC

I once looked out of the window at work and saw my dad in the car park. He lives two hours away and NEVER pops over unannounced, so I was puzzled and concerned to see him. It was a good two or three seconds before I realised it was my reflection.

2026-03-31 07:20:05 UTC

I fancy a mum on the school run. Think she feels same - we are awkward with each other. I think it's sweet, like teenagers. Doubt our partners would agree, but it's nice. Isn't it? Isn't it?

2026-03-29 11:20:07 UTC

Daughter's parents night, with biology teacher "excellent progress, she's a rock star". I said "surely she should be in geology then?". Both just stared at me. Headteacher walking past said "Gold star for dad joke of the night". Confession is, I'm proud as punch with that.

2026-03-29 08:20:05 UTC

Always liked animals. Mum left me in the garden and went next door. I played with the fox cubs. Then I invited them into our house and fed them stewing meat for that night's dinner. They pissed on the sofa and dad had to take it to the dump. You can't get rid of the smell.

2026-03-28 19:20:05 UTC

On transatlantic teleconfs, I deliberately use "table" as a verb knowing it will cause confusion. (UK and Commonwealth: bring up for discussion. North America: remove from discussion).

2026-03-28 09:20:06 UTC

When I get a spam/sales call, I tell the caller he has reached General Hardesty at Strategic Command Headquarters in Omaha, and I urgently need the launch codes. Childish, but this is sometimes the highlight of my day.

2026-03-27 13:20:05 UTC

It genuinely worries me that I haven't got a fucking clue whether it's more weird to keep my kids' milk teeth somewhere in the house or to throw them away. Thoughts welcome.

2026-03-26 12:20:07 UTC

Before I left the Post Office I nicked a small pile of those "sorry we missed you" cards. The neighbour I hated missed SO many parcels. Did I waste your time, Ben? TURN YOUR FUCKING STEREO DOWN.

2026-03-26 10:20:06 UTC

I'm a ventriloquist. When I go home with my dummy I sometimes have full conversations with him & sometimes tiny arguments. Bit worried about myself. History of mental illness in my family as well.

2026-03-26 08:20:05 UTC

The best preparation for being a parent wasn't NCT classes or books; it was managing a team of software engineers. My 4 and 2 year olds are far better at playing with others than those maladjusted coders.

2026-03-25 19:20:05 UTC

I used to watch Monty Python after school on TV. One day the channel showed the Ingmar Bergman film 'The Seventh Seal' at that time. I took the opening scene with Death and the beach to be a typical Python opening. It took me 15 minutes to realise it wasn't Python.

2026-03-25 18:20:05 UTC

I haven't changed my bed sheets since November 2024. The dogs don't seem to mind.

2026-03-25 09:20:05 UTC

When I spilt up with my absolute cock of an ex, he really dragged his heels moving his shit out. He'd spent years restoring an old MG which was taking up space in my garage. So I took the inside of the drivers door off and put a marble in there to roll around.

2026-03-24 18:20:08 UTC

When I am heading upstairs for a wank, I say to myself, "I'm going to masterbate, masterbate, masterbate" in the style of Ted Striker's "I've got to concentrate..." in Airplane. Now you will too.

2026-03-23 21:20:06 UTC

Funeral director by day, shibari instructor by night. Worlds collided a few years ago when a customer asked if her deceased (sub) husband could be buried in bondage. Boyo sleeps eternal in rope, gag, and chastity cage. She's got the key and wore it at the funeral.

2026-03-23 18:20:05 UTC

We tried food sex once. Horrible. I wanted to eat strawberries and cream off his body but his chest hair got into everything. He applied an aerosol can of "cheese product" on my body but couldn't lick it off before it hardened and got stuck to ny skin like putty.

2026-03-23 17:20:05 UTC

At age 20, l crashed my motorbike with minor injuries, cuts, and bruises. Two young women stopped their car and offered to take me to their place to 'repair me'. I politely declined and pushed my motorbike home and spent the next two decades kicking myself.