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2024-12-26 19:34:40 UTC

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From that moment on, I began being the one he beat up. I dared to expose him once, and that was enough to warrant punishment. As I grew up, I stood up against him more often when my mother was beaten, and I ended up taking the hits instead. Also, I wasn’t exactly a gender-conforming manly-man, and my bisexual awakening was probably more obvious to my parents than it was to myself, and that gave another reason for my father to pick me as a target.
When I was about 15 or so, I was filled with revenge and hatred. And one day, when he started raising his voice and cornering me against a wall, I thought I had enough. I pushed him back. Hard. Keep in mind I was now taller and stronger than him: I sent him banging over a wall, breaking a door’s knob. I didn’t intend my reaction to be that strong, but it kind of happened that way, probably out of fear. At the moment, I ran out of the house for a few hours — I did that quite often anyway — because I thought he’d kill me. But he never ever tried to touch me or my mother ever again. It was over.
My mother did try to run away once, with my sister and me. I only have vague memories of this. I wasn’t 10 yet, and one morning she woke us up very early. We walked a lot, took the first regional train, and went knocking at some friend’s door, waking her and her family up. We spent like a day and a half there, but then my father came to pick us all up (I don’t know how he figured out where we were). It was a short-lived attempt at an escape, the only one I can think of. And I cannot help but feeling a bit resentful at my mother for not trying to protect us a bit more, even when I was the one who got beaten up.
My sister does not remember much of this. For good reasons. Because of the trauma, my own memories from my early childhood are also blurry, and she’s 3 years younger than I am. Besides, as far as I know, my father never hit her. As it turns out (and we figured this out only quite recently), he was abusive with her in a whole different way. After our mother’s death, our father became very intrusive in my sister’s life. She became a substitute wife for him: helping him when he was drunk and depressed, making groceries and housecleaning, cooking for him… He had a very manipulative way of playing the victim’s part, saying for years how he was sad because he lost his wife, calling or even visiting in the middle of the night completely drunk to complain… he never cared about, or acknowledged, the fact that we had also lost a mother. Help was always a single-way lane with him. It was all so fucking selfish and self-centered. And this weird, incestuous power relationship with my sister prevented her from having a healthy private life, from healing as she was always dragged back to our mother’s death’s trauma, and ultimately from growing up as a woman with a husband and family of her own. He wanted her to keep being her little daughter slash make-believe wife forever and ever.
By then, I had already taken steps to keep my father away from my daily life. I was scared that he would be as intrusive and controlling with me as he was with my sister, so I was being extra-distant with him. I made boundaries clear, obvious, and non-negotiable. That was enough for him to stop caring about me entirely (if he couldn’t keep some way of pressure on me, I wasn’t useful to him anymore). He barely wanted to talk at all; when he called me, about twice a year, it was mostly to complain and never to ask how *I* was going (not great, thanks for asking, Dad). But I’ve learned from neighbours that on his daily way to work, he often took a detour to pass by my street. He wanted to see if my car was parked there, if he could see light through my windows. Maybe it was a way for him to gather intel about my private life? He did so for years, and I never told him that I knew.
(part 2 of 3)

2024-12-26 19:33:57 UTC

My father doesn't like me. He probably never has. And I have to live with that feeling until the end of time.
That’s the harsh conclusion to a long unfolding family story that I don’t want to dive too much into, but I still want to talk about it for a bit. Because, as winter holidays are still wildly seen as the « family holidays », I feel like getting this off my chest. I also want other people to know that they’re not alone in this situation.
My mother died 8 years ago from a returning cancer, all while being in a 3-year-long recovery from an intracerebral hemorrhagic stroke — that left her suffering from hemiplegia, heavily impaired motor skills and speech, and light occasional psychosis, amongst other consequences. My grandparents from my mother’s side died a few years after that, and with no trace of an existing family from my father’s side, it means I’m left with only one aunt, one uncle and his wife, two cousins, my sister, and my father.
I’ve never been close to anyone in this very small family, except for my sister, and really only for the last couple of years. I wasn’t exactly easygoing or even likeable as a person before my thirties, and it’s still hard to admit it to this day. But I worked hard to become a better person, and to feel more at home in my own life and my own body. Transitioning was part of that process. My sister welcomed me as a woman, as the sister she never previously had. I thus welcome her in my life with all my love, as well as I welcome her daughter as my niece and goddaughter, her partner as my brother-in-law, and his two sons as my nephews.
I also live with my nesting partner, whom I loved very dearly so and is fully accepted as being a part of that family. I do hope that I will be able to introduce all of this newly-founded family to my other significant ones. Unfortunately, unlike my transidentity, me being polyamorous is still a bit of a touchy topic sometimes, but I still have good hopes to get there eventually. Conversely, I also like to think about my other partner’s families (metamours, children) as my own, and I also want to further those bonds.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because I’m slowly building a new sense of family, and I’m now starting to realize how fulfilling it is in my life. But I also know that my father does not get to play a part in this picture. And no one is to blame but him.
As far as I can remember, my father was a wife-beater. In my earliest childhood memories, I picture him throwing stuff at my mom, like shoes or plates. When he was drunk (that was pretty much every evening), he hit her really hard. At the worst point (I might have been around 10), I remember he was strangling her with both hands against a piece of furniture. He stopped because I immediately ran to ring at our kind-of-friendly-neighbour’s door and called for help — the neighbour came, stopped him, and told him if that happened again, he would call the police. My father was so enraged, he didn’t even notice me running away or the neighbour coming. He stopped out of shame because he didn’t expect someone outside the house to ever see him for what he truly was — a wife-beater lying piece of shit. I still think he could’ve killed my mother that night if he hadn’t been prevented from doing so.
(part 1 of 3)

2024-12-10 19:32:31 UTC

Ça ne va pas s’arrêter là. Si l’histoire nous a bien appris un truc, c’est qu’après Luigi Mangione, il y aura un Luigi Mangione 2, un Luigi Mangione 3, et un Luigi Mangione 2 HD sur Switch.

2024-11-28 16:02:03 UTC

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**🎵 Playlist: November 2024**
Parcels - Leaveyourlove
https://lynkify.in/song/leaveyourlove/71427577
Megan McDuffee - Don’t Speak
https://lynkify.in/song/dont-speak/74280687
LCD Soundsystem - x-ray eyes
https://lynkify.in/song/x-ray-eyes/74343297
La Sécurité - Détour
https://lynkify.in/song/detour/71050200
65daysofstatic - Under the Summs
https://lynkify.in/song/under-the-summs/FY2PLPBI
Carpenter Brut - Death Racer (The Crew Motorfest Original Soundtrack)
https://lynkify.in/song/death-racer-the-crew-motorfest-official-soundtrack/aNpUiAc8
Dance With The Dead - Whispers End (feat. Kat Von D)
https://lynkify.in/song/whispers-end/PyruDj0n
Heilung - Anoana
https://lynkify.in/song/anoana/18482919
The Cure - All I Ever Am
https://lynkify.in/song/all-i-ever-am/68728502
Gjon’s Tears - Tout l’univers
https://lynkify.in/song/tout-lunivers/17388371

2024-11-18 19:31:40 UTC

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bonus points si ça fait aussi un bruit de vieille machine à écrire à chaque fois que tu appuies sur une touche

2024-10-23 10:19:10 UTC

Une amie est victime de harcèlement et de transphobie de la part d’Habitat et Humanisme qui essaye de l’expulser au mépris de tout droit. De ce que je comprend ils lui ont demandé des infos intimes, changé ses serrures… c’est ultra craignos. Vous avez des contacts d’assos qui pourraient l’aider ? C’est *urgent*.

2024-09-13 08:28:39 UTC

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🎵 Playlist: September 2024
Vitalic - Disco Boy (The Rising)
https://lynkify.in/song/disco-boy-the-rising/20331278
Sloppy Jane - Claw Machine (feat. Phoebe Bridgers)
https://lynkify.in/song/claw-machine-feat-phoebe-bridgers/33895145
Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit
https://lynkify.in/song/white-rabbit/81811771
Linkin Park - The Emptiness Machine
https://lynkify.in/song/the-emptiness-machine/66137051
Lamb of God - Laid To Rest (HEALTH remix)
https://lynkify.in/song/laid-to-rest-health-remix/49341999
The Warning - Automatic Sun
https://lynkify.in/song/automatic-sun/33742508
Childish Gambino - Got To Be
https://lynkify.in/song/got-to-be/57678918
2 Mello - MAJESTIC
https://lynkify.in/song/majestic/60868479
AWOLNATION - Jump Sit Stand March (feat. Emily Armstrong)
https://lynkify.in/song/jump-sit-stand-march-feat-emily-armstrong/40811004
Charli xcx - Guess (feat. Billie Eilish)
https://lynkify.in/song/guess-featuring-billie-eilish/60420750
Karen O & Danger Mouse - Super Breath
https://lynkify.in/song/super-breath/55194479
Megan McDuffee & Nathan Kidd - Hide With Me
https://lynkify.in/song/hide-with-me/57061086
2 Mello - speak with you
https://lynkify.in/song/speak-with-you/60868470
Jamie xx - Baddy On The Floor (feat. Honey Dijon)
https://lynkify.in/song/baddy-on-the-floor-feat-honey-dijon/46751182
HEALTH - Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away)
https://lynkify.in/song/be-quiet-and-drive-far-away/63129235
Dubmood & zabutom - Track Tracking
https://lynkify.in/song/track-tracking/63744388
Vitalic & Vimala - You Are Not Alone
https://lynkify.in/song/you-are-not-alone/51628883
Jamie xx & Robyn - Life
https://lynkify.in/song/life/46751572
SOPHIE & Evita Manji - Berlin Nightmare
https://lynkify.in/song/berlin-nightmare/56926100
Tokio Hotel - Colors Of The Wind
https://lynkify.in/song/colors-of-the-wind/61414917
Meet Me @ The Altar - You’ve Got A Friend In Me
https://lynkify.in/song/youve-got-a-friend-in-me/61414910
Max Richter - They Will Shade Us With Their Wings
https://lynkify.in/song/they-will-shade-us-with-their-wings/44029011
King Woman - Bury
https://lynkify.in/song/bury/33895140

2024-09-06 17:30:36 UTC

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**Polish**
The brush went in a slow and steady motion, applying a thin layer of glittery pink on her right little finger. Manon enjoyed this ritual of patience twice a week, as a way to breathe, to empty her mind. To refocus. To prevent herself for thinking about her work, her bank account, or about this red-headed girl who caught her eye in the subway back from work, that very evening. To prevent herself for thinking, at all.
Vapours from the strong solvent, used just one hour before, were still floating around in the bedroom. Mixed together with the nail polish smell, they formed a peculiar and familiar scent, both unpleasant, reassuring, and intoxicating. When the weather was more suitable, she'd rather sit on the tiny terrace and catch, for a short while, the last rays of sunshine — as well as the foul air from this suburban town.
This week, she opted for two different colours : glittery pink and sky blue, alternating with each finger. Her friends would probably see it as a barely veiled reference to her transness, but Manon liked those colours together before... well, before. If she really had wanted to draw a trans flag, she would have gone for a blue-pink-white-pink-blue pattern, anyway. Five stripes, five fingers. Obviously.
Music was flowing from a small Bluetooth speaker, placed a bit further in the room. The eponymous album from Bon Iver. Her all-time all-genres favourite. She loved the quiet tranquility that emanated from its few guitar chords, its deep layers of voices forming harmonies, its glorious brass sections and melancholic turns. Nothing was ever able to bring her to a more relaxed state. Except for her mother's voice, perhaps, but that was forever ago.
Pirate, her black and white cat of dubious lineage, often joined her. Put off by the smell at first, he ended up realising that it was his best chance to climb up on the bed, because her owner couldn't bring herself to scold him. He then dug his paws, one after the other, into the comfy duvet ; turned on itself a dozen times ; and finally found the perfect position where he could crawl into a calmly purring ball, right next to Manon's left thigh. They were perfectly used to soothing each other down.
One day, Manon's brother shared with her some ludicrous, misogynistic theories of his, about women and makeup. But she didn't feel any hate. She didn't even bother to come up with an answer. There was more than just pomp and vanity at the tip of her brush, she figured. It was something more intimate, and quite frankly, much stronger. Her polish was her island of calm, her antistress ball, her oxygen bottle. It was her bi-weekly injection of self-esteem. It was a magical, ephemeral shield against car horns, engine noises and ringing phones.

2024-09-06 17:26:57 UTC

Short novels, poems...
I've been translating into English some of my older French texts recently, both as an exercise in trying to write a better, more beautiful English, but also to share with more people. I'll post them under this thread, in no particular order.
I warmly welcome feedback on the quality of the translation, especially if some bits feel weird!

2024-09-05 15:02:53 UTC

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et du coup c'est bon ?

2024-09-01 21:22:33 UTC

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🫂
I hope you will be able to find your balance again (I certainly think you will) and the ability to do the things you want at a speed that feels right.

2024-08-19 09:28:58 UTC

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le Cuisinotron me faisait beaucoup marrer. À l'époque où c'était la mode 🧓 j'avais aussi créé un compte "ebooks" basé sur mon activité Twitter, globalement ça se contentait de rattacher des bouts de tweet qui avaient des mots communs, mais le résultat était assez fendard.

2024-08-06 10:28:43 UTC

Un truc qui est resté relativement inaperçu ces derniers jours dans le contexte d’une colossale débâcle en bourse des géants de l’IA.
On sait maintenant qu’OpenAI a développé en interne un outil capable de détecter si un texte a été conçu par ChatGPT grâce à un système de watermark. Contrairement à l’outil qui avait été dévoilé et disponible au public début 2023, qui n’était pas très fiable et a vite été retiré, celui-ci a un taux de précision annoncé de 99,9%.
La compagnie a fait le choix de ne pas le mettre à disposition du public. Certaines options plus restrictives sont envisagées, comme la mise à disposition de l’outil auprès des universités par exemple, mais une release publique est hors de question.
Et ça pose une question éthique vraiment intéressante sur le business model de ces sociétés. Imaginons que cet algo permettant de détecter du contenu IA soit mis en open source ; tout le monde pourrait décider de l’implémenter pour interdire le contenu IA sur ses sites, par exemple. Pour développer une extension de navigateur qui indique ou cache le contenu IA. Etc. Sans empêcher les personnes qui le souhaitent de continuer à en avoir recours.
Mais en refusant de le faire, OpenIA montre bien que son commerce est basé sur la tromperie. L’IA n’intéresse vraiment les gens que si elle est indétectable, parce qu’elle est majoritairement utilisée pour tromper ; bots sur les réseaux sociaux, étudiants trichant à leurs devoirs et autres thèses, images vendant des produits qui se révèlent être des scams, etc.
C’est d’ailleurs sûrement une des meilleures réponses qu’on puisse opposer aux personnes qui disent qu’on ne pourra pas empêcher le progrès et interdire l’IA. Certes, c’est tout à fait vrai qu’il est dur d’empêcher la propagation d’une avancée technologique, et on ne peut pas nier que les LLM ont aussi des intérêts bien concrets (par exemple : générer des descriptions d’image pour les rendre plus accessibles). Mais on pourrait parfaitement imaginer de légiférer pour obliger ces sociétés à apposer un watermark sur leurs contenus et proposer un outil de détection en open source, par exemple. Il y a d’ailleurs fort à parier qu’OpenAI n’est pas seul à marquer ses contenus, mais que ça ne se sait pas encore.
L’idée que les contenus générés puissent être reconnus comme tels par les utilisateurs, qui pourraient alors choisir quels usages ils considèrent légitimes et quels usages ils refusent. En réintroduisant de l’éthique dans un secteur qui s’en est bien passé jusque là, ça change tout le paradigme autour de l’IA, et c’est de ça que les investisseurs ont pris peur. Débarrassé de son côté invasif, l’IA redevient un outil comme un autre, utile parfois mais ni incontournable, ni surpuissant.
Cf. article du Observer (en anglais) : OpenAI Has Developed a 99.9% Effective ChatGPT Detector But Might Never Release It.
https://observer.com/2024/08/openai-develop-chatgpt-detector/