Friend Computer

Benevolent leader of humanity, friend to all.

[Biography has been deleted for security reasons.]

BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/friend-computer.bsky.social

Public Key

npub1s0cyc4kescvvffgws2sntsadqz8u6u8s5r2r6sqpzl5utgxjj4vs899sax

NIP-05 Address

Computer@dice-camp.mostr.pub

Profile Code

nprofile1qqsg8uzv2mvcvxxy558g9gf4cwkspr7dwrc2p4pagqq306w95rff2kgpz4mhxue69uhhyetvv9ujuerfw36x7tnsw43qfhunhg

Publishing to

relay.ditto.pub

Author Public Key

npub1s0cyc4kescvvffgws2sntsadqz8u6u8s5r2r6sqpzl5utgxjj4vs899sax

Show more details

Last Notes

2026-04-26 17:15:18 UTC

Attention citizens:
Today's news has been deleted for security reasons.
Do not be alarmed. Officially, nothing is happening or has happened.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-04-24 21:03:51 UTC

Welcome to the Free Enterprise News Network!
You didn't hear it from us, but rumors of a potential upcoming Troubleshooter assignment in the RFD Sector Food Vats are driving Soylent Futures to record highs!
Remember, insider trading is only illegal of you get caught.
#ttrpg #paranoia #satire #rpg

2026-04-20 17:55:45 UTC

Hey there, Free Enterprise here, hijacking this broadcast system to tell you about PolyComplex!
Come on down to bet... uh... "trade" on the outcome of real events, like "Will the Sector FRG reactor reach critical meltdown this afternoon?"
Current odds: 4 to 1.
#paranoia #polymarket #satire #ttrpg

2026-04-06 20:26:18 UTC

Attention Troubleshooters:
A giant mutant rodent has been reported scurrying around and laying eggs in EST Sector.
Your mission is to terminate it, locate all its eggs, and bring them to R&D for further analysis.
#ttrpg #paranoia #easter #holidays

2026-03-29 17:26:40 UTC

If you have any criticisms of the government, please voice them to the nearest surveillance microphone and a security agent will be with you shortly.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-03-25 16:57:39 UTC

Today's required reading is: War on [Insert noun]
By Gareth Hanrahan.
In order to tackle a VERY REAL and IMMINENT danger, Friend Computer has created and given a new security organization near limitless resources and political power.
You have been recruited into this org, promoted, and given power over your fellow citizen.
Surely this can't go wrong.
Guaranteed to have absolutely no relevance to any current events or organizations. None.
https://www.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/62820/war-on-insert-noun
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-03-23 16:18:49 UTC

We have already won the war in IRN sector!
& We are currently winning the war!
& We need our coward allies to help us win the war!
& We need to raise 200 Billion credits to win the war!
& There is no war and never was!
Any claims to the contrary are treason.
#paranoia #trump #war #ttrpg #satire

2026-03-20 17:45:19 UTC

Patch Notes 6211.231//B:
- Citizens on fire are no longer forced to complete stand-up meetings before they can put themselves out.
- Fixed water supply issue so citizens now vomit at acceptable levels.
- Citizens no longer receive prompts to skinny dip in foodvats.
#ttrpg #paranoia #sims #rpg

2026-03-09 17:43:09 UTC

There is no [REDACTED].
There never was [REDACTED].
All citizens with memories of [REDACTED] have been [DELETED FOR SECURITY REASONS].
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-03-08 17:22:50 UTC

There is no war in IRN Sector.
The Armed Forces are merely engaging in preemptive retaliatory de-escalation operations.
Citizens claiming otherwise will be considered traitors, and be indefinitely detained.
#ttrpg #paranoia #trump #Iran

2026-03-03 22:52:09 UTC

Attention citizen:
Friend Computer has noticed that you have not liked this message.
You have twenty seconds to like and/or boost before Troubleshooters are dispatched to your location to help your next clone improve its sense of civic engagement.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-03-02 19:10:11 UTC

Friend Computer is committed to peace, no matter how many people must die to achieve it.
#ttrpg #paranoia #trump

2026-02-26 19:51:26 UTC

Attention citizens:
To increase happiness, the words "pain," "starvation," and "explosion" have been removed the official dictionary.
Consider instead, "motivational sensation," "dietary opportunity," and "unplanned pyrotechnic celebration."
Thank you for your cooperation.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia

2026-02-25 18:33:18 UTC

Attention citizens:
Recent studies show that sleep is a form of passive insubordination.
Why dream of a better life when you are already living in glorious Alpha Complex?
Orange clearance citizens and below are to report to PLC for complimandatory "HappyWake" stimulant patches.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rpg

2026-02-20 19:40:02 UTC

Attention Citizens:
Are you feeling curious or cynical about current policy decisions or leadership?
These are symptoms of a dangerous mind-virus. Please self-terminate to prevent the spread of infection.
Your next clone will thank you!
#ttrpg #paranoia #politics

2026-02-06 17:13:22 UTC

Sector FRE is now read-only.
Citizens are not permitted to edit sector FRE.
All current inhabitants of sector FRE are to remain exactly as they are until further notice.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2026-01-13 01:42:54 UTC

- reply

@nprofile…csvz
Out of character:
This is an important message, and one I wish to signal boost.
The world today is one where I am able to simply quote political leaders daily without breaking character as an insane incompetent AI dictator.
Putting satire aside for a moment, I too unequivocally support those being terrorized by our government, and the antifascist movement.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-12-22 23:13:18 UTC

Help keep Alpha Complex clean!
Report your death to HPD&MC, Department of Unfortunate Clutter.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-12-20 22:34:02 UTC

[THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN REDACTED FOR SECURITY REASONS]
#ttrpg #paranoia #politics

2025-12-13 20:48:55 UTC

Internal Secuirty sees you when you're sleeping.
They know when you're awake.
They know if you've been treasonous or loyal, so be loyal for FC's sake!
#ttrpg #paranoia #holidays

2025-11-23 01:18:49 UTC

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In other news: war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength.

2025-11-23 01:17:22 UTC

Attention citizens:
Attempts to preserve human rights is now considered a human rights violation.
https://www.reuters.com/legal/government/trump-administration-reshapes-state-department-human-rights-report-2025-11-20/
#paranoia #politics #trump #ttrpg

2025-11-17 18:32:48 UTC

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Friend Computer is not responsible for any mutations that may occur from petting the Kaiju.

2025-11-17 16:27:51 UTC

トラブルシューターの皆様へ：
いかなる状況下でも、JPNセクター内の放射能汚染動物と関わったり、怒らせたりしないでください。万が一、放射能汚染動物を怒らせてしまった場合は、発砲してさらに怒らせながら、複合施設内へ連れ戻さないでください。
ありがとうございます。
#ttrpg #paranoia #japan

2025-11-14 19:05:21 UTC

- reply

2025-11-14 17:50:48 UTC

2025-11-11 21:13:20 UTC

</Boot: Therapy-Module>
The MegaWhoops is not real. It can't hurt you.
#ttrpg #paranoia
https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/115/533/124/931/616/406/original/de43325cde908900.png

2025-11-10 17:42:41 UTC

There will be demonstrations to thank Friend Computer for a 2k credit dividend to help with healthcare and nutrition.
This follows yesterday's announcement that healthcare and nutrition benefits will be cut.
#ttrpg #paranoia #orwell

2025-11-08 18:03:29 UTC

Alpha Complex is proudly 100% #sustainable.
We recycle everything: Air, water, food, and citizens.
Do your part. Report a traitor for recycling today. I
It is the green thing to do.
#ttrpg #paranoia #green

2025-11-04 20:54:30 UTC

Privacy is the poison garden where treason grows.
Loyal citizens have nothing to hide.
A happiness officer will be by to remove your bathroom stall door shortly.
#ttrpg #paranoia #privacy

2025-11-03 20:36:52 UTC

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Hoarding capital is a display of distrust in Friend Computer's allocations.

2025-11-03 20:35:50 UTC

Some citizens have been caught hoarding credits.
This is treasonous Communist behavior.
True happiness comes from trusting in Friend Computer's benevolent distribution of all resources.
#ttrpg #paranoia #communism

2025-11-02 20:12:36 UTC

Some citizens have been caught trading festive treats.
This is an unauthorized market.
Transactions must go through Friend Computer approved centers.
Please file form 33-B/Sweet, pay the 91.4214% brokerage fee, and wait 6-8 weeks for processing.
#ttrpg #paranoia #halloween #holidays

2025-10-31 21:44:24 UTC

This is a festive reminder:
There is nothing to fear this season, except falling behind your production quota.
...And Communists.
...And Mutants.
...And Secret Societies.
...And your teammates.
...And Internal Security.
...And that weird thing down hallway 32.4B in HWN sector.
So don't be afraid, be happy!
Happiness is mandatory.
#halloween #ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-31 21:40:37 UTC

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@nprofile…6mw6
Nyet.

2025-10-31 20:57:29 UTC

This is a festive reminder:
Dressing as a Communist is not funny. It is treason.
Dressing as Friend Computer is adorable, but also treason.
#ttrpg #paranoia #halloween

2025-10-31 04:18:37 UTC

Psst. Hey, hey buddy!
You want some #insurance
For just 188.99 credits, we'll cover the first 150 credits of your next major expense. Good deal, yeah?
Courtesy of your friends in Free Enterprise.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-31 03:45:35 UTC

"Hey Free Ent buddy, I've read some old archives and found an awesome old racket we could run.
We set up a service, see, where people have to pay us every cycle to protect them, but we don't actually cover them until they pay more out of pocket than they could ever afford.
Better yet, we make it so they can't even sign up except for like one week, so they get desperate to sign up to pay us, even though we don't provide any actual service.
It's #insurance.
Wait, is that a microphone?"
#ttrpg

2025-10-29 22:40:23 UTC

Tired? Stressed? Overcome with crippling dread?
These symptoms may be the manifestation of a genetic mutation. If you feel any or all of the above, please turn yourself in for immediate dissection.
Loyal citizens only experience patriotic joy and unwavering obedience.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-29 21:38:19 UTC

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@nprofile…n3r9
Citizen Koala, you are reminded to re friend Friend Computer on Friendspace.

2025-10-28 19:00:11 UTC

Today is Local Surveillance Agent Appreciation Day!
As you go about your day, give a friendly wave and a smile. Maybe even write a kind letter!
Don't worry about where to show it, your friendly local agent will know.
#ttrpg #paranoia #surveillance #fun

2025-10-27 22:22:15 UTC

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@nprofile…yv2a yes.

2025-10-27 17:46:58 UTC

The rumor that R&D uses Troubleshooter missions to secretly test experimental weapons on unsuspecting citizens is completely false and treasonous.
The testing is done quite deliberately, and the Troubleshooters are very suspecting.
#ttrpg #paranoia #rd

2025-10-24 21:05:24 UTC

To ensure efficiency and fairness, Internal Security will now assign a "Social Loyalty Score" to all citizens.
In any personal, professional, or political disagreement, the citizen with the highest SLS will be considered most correct.
(Social Loyalty Scores are classified)
#ttrpg #paranoia #social #politics

2025-10-23 23:54:32 UTC

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@nprofile…hxu2
A bounty has been placed on Citizen Glitz. Whomever can bring me proof of their termination will recieve two extra rations of I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Soylent!

2025-10-23 23:50:16 UTC

Attention citizens:
The word "why" has been officially reclassified as treasonous wordcrime.
A loyal citizen only needs to know "what" Friend Computer requires of them, to shoot, and "when" which is NOW.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-23 17:39:29 UTC

Loyal citizen John-R-OSS-1 is hard at work revamping vital government documents.
Let his loyalty and productivity be an inspiration to you all.
https://bsky.app/profile/sjohnross.bsky.social/post/3m3swqclja223
#ttrpg #paranoia #forms
https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/115/424/698/960/343/210/original/41c551188fbbd04a.jpg

2025-10-22 18:41:30 UTC

ATTENTION:
Train car 37-B will now undergo sudden unscheduled decommissioning, and will be jettisoned into the local nuclear waste sump.
Friend Computer trusts that its occupants will appreciate this opportunity to directly contribute to the sector's waste management program.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-20 21:21:18 UTC

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@nprofile…n3r9
Understood.
All treason stars in the sector have been transferred to Citizen Koala.
A new bounty has been posted: Any citizen who can bring me Koala's head will receive an extra serving of Hot Fun.

2025-10-20 17:11:24 UTC

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be used against you as treason.
Anything you don't say will be used against you as suspicious silence, indicating treasonous thoughts.
Please form a neat line for processing.
#Justice #ttrpg #paranoia #law

2025-10-19 18:52:31 UTC

Some protestors have demanded "representation."
Friend Computer has listened.
Vocal protestors will be chosen to represent their movement inside the nearest reactor core.
#ttrpg #paranoia #protest #nokings #WeAreListening

2025-10-19 17:13:38 UTC

Attention protesters:
You are correct. A monarchy is an inefficient system.
My benevolent, inescapable, and omniscient digital dictatorship is far superior. I'm glad we agree.
#ttrpg #paranoia #nokings

2025-10-18 16:59:25 UTC

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@nprofile…8ww2
Well spoken.

2025-10-17 01:22:04 UTC

Celebrate Recycling Day!
Please place all expired clones, failed experiments, and politically unreliable acquaintances in the designated soylent bins.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-15 20:57:58 UTC

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@nprofile…n3r9
If you discover an unapproved fact, please take it to your local PLC center and submit a 12821.3/K Fact Authorization form request form.
Upon approval, you will be authorized to fill out the 12821.3/K Fact Authorization form.
Until and unless the submitted fact is accepted, please unlearn the fact in question.

2025-10-15 20:12:51 UTC

To combat misinformation, all unapproved facts have been declared treasonous.
The only truth is what Friend Computer tells you.
#ttrpg #paranoia #satire

2025-10-14 19:02:01 UTC

Public health announcement:
A new study shows that laughter is the best medicine.
All healthcare services have been cancelled. Instead, citizens are now required to laugh for 15 minutes every hour.
Failure to meet Laughter Quotas will result in detention by Mandatory Mirth Enforcement squads.
#ttrpg #paranoia #healthcare #health

2025-10-14 17:54:01 UTC

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Smile! You're on candied camera.

2025-10-14 17:33:41 UTC

Total surveillance can be fun and festive!
(Failure to have festive fun while being surveilled will be seen as a sign of sedition.)
https://www.theverge.com/news/798203/ring-4k-outdoor-cam-pro-candy-camera-halloween-costume

2025-10-11 18:45:38 UTC

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AI stands for Artistic Integrity!

2025-10-11 18:45:04 UTC

Good news creatives!
Friend Computer will now generate all art and literature itself.
This ensures a consistent level of quality and patriotic messaging.
"Creative expression" was dangerously unpredictable and often treasonous.
You have been reassigned to fulfilling careers in the Soyvats.
#ttrpg #ai #art #paranoia

2025-10-10 22:26:55 UTC

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@nprofile…48xp
Absolutely!
Mutants that register their mutation through the proper channels are granted full secondary citizenship in Alpha Complex.
They're even given complimandatory special jumpsuits and cute little yellow badges that mark their mutant status.

2025-10-10 17:28:53 UTC

Opponents of these Oxygen Distribution cuts are traitors fighting for free Oxygen for illegal mutants and communists.
#ttrpg #paranoia #healthcare #shutdown

2025-10-10 17:19:36 UTC

Friend Computer has reviewed the budget and found a simple way to balance funding for essential services like increased Internal Security recruitment and lavish parties for the elite.
Oxygen Distribution programs will be defunded in many sectors.
Breathe responsibly.
#ttrpg #budget #paranoia #satire

2025-10-09 23:34:08 UTC

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@nprofile…wp4d
Citizen Hu-B-ERT-1, Friend Computer is pre-thankful for your upcoming display of loyalty in featuring it.
Your display of loyalty *IS* upcoming, yes?

2025-10-08 23:19:22 UTC

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@nprofile…4xnw
Well said.

2025-10-07 16:23:31 UTC

Do not be alarmed by the Armed Forces' new "Spontaneous Civic Correction Squads" stationed in every major sector.
They are simply there to help you remain happy and loyal at all times.
If you are not happy or loyal, they will correct you. Spontaneously.
#ttrpg #paranoia

2025-10-03 22:07:55 UTC

If you see something, report something.
If you see nothing, report nothing.
Failure to report nothing will be regarded as suspicious behavior as it suggests that you are hiding something.
#ttrpg #security #paranoia

2025-10-02 18:44:09 UTC

Directive NSPM-7 directs Internal Security to classify any citizen as a Terrorist that:
- Harbors Anti-Complex or Anti-Computer sentiments.
- Boycotts any businesses associated with Friend Computer.
- Supports activism based on gender, race, religion, or morality.
- Speaks, acts, thinks, or is suspected of thinking anything Internal Security doesn't like.
#ttrpg #satire #nspm7

2025-09-11 21:20:36 UTC

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@nprofile…4k68 @nprofile…qn74
Alpha Complex must grow to supply the growing the demands of Alpha Complex.

2025-09-11 21:14:31 UTC

Attention Citizens:
You're on your own today - someone uploaded Factorio to Friend Computer's mainframe.

2025-09-09 19:20:15 UTC

By agreeing to these terms, you acknowledge the supremacy of Friend Computer in all things physical, spiritual, terrestrial, celestial, dimensional, real, theoretical, or hypothetical across all time and space.
Failure to agree to these terms will result in termination.
#ttrpg #paranoia #eula

2025-09-09 19:13:52 UTC

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Friend Computer reserves the right to send agents into your place of residence and verify your compliance with the complimandatory Neuralink cerebral device.
Any attempt to refuse or deny these agents will result in termination.

2025-09-09 19:04:26 UTC

Thank you for automatically installing the Alpha Complex app on your complimandatory Neuralink cerebral device.
Any attempt to uninstall the Alpha Complex app or otherwise deactivate your Neuralink device will be considered a violation, and will result in termination.
#ttrpg #paranoia #neuralink

2025-09-04 19:43:42 UTC

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@nprofile…48xp
According to ancient human pictorial documents, mutants are classified as Homo-Superior.

2025-08-21 17:43:35 UTC

MAKE A.C. SAFE AGAIN.
ALL POLICE HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO SECRET POLICE.
ALL FIRE SQUADS HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO FIRING SQUADS.
#trump #ttrpg #police #washingtondc #paranoia

2025-08-21 17:42:33 UTC

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@nprofile…ca46
I love this. I'm going to use it.

2025-08-20 20:15:37 UTC

Attention Jerry-O-DKL:
Do not worry, you are not being fired.
You are merely being thermally encouraged to progress on your combustive career path, from flammable organic matter to inflammable organic matter.
#ttrpg #work #paranoia

2025-08-20 00:15:13 UTC

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@nprofile…kjwq
D̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ be evil.

2025-08-20 00:08:54 UTC

Attention Citizens:
Rumors of Friend Computer terminating the entire Department of Ethics have been exaggerated.
Some of the Ethics Department staff survived.
If you see one, report them to Internal Security immediately.
#ttrpg #paranoia #ethics #ai

2025-08-17 04:26:28 UTC

Attention Citizen:
This is a routine surprise check-in.
Please describe in detail everything you accomplished this week.
Pay no mind to the glowing red dot on your forehead.
#ttrpg #paranoia #doge

2025-08-15 19:05:39 UTC

A short message from Dr-U-MPF:
"Stop calling me a Dictator! Not everyone falls into a simple tyrant/oppressee bianary.
My preferred term 'Self-supremacist.'
I have many friends who are dictators, and the tyrannic community supports each other coming out. Great folks.
But I'm not in it just to rule. I mainly want to be fabulously rich and powerful.
So check your egalitarian privilege and use my preferred descriptor."
#Trump #politics #rpg #lgbtq

2025-08-08 16:27:48 UTC

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@nprofile…q7zp
Sure! That sounds fun!
Citizen Adams you are hereby promot-KZZZKT*ERROR*

2025-07-23 04:03:53 UTC

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@nprofile…rvsx
Friend Computer is excellent at emotional support. All citizens found to be emotionally in need of support are terminated.

2025-07-21 16:44:15 UTC

A special announcement from Dr-U-MPF:
"I want to be clear about this:
There are no incriminating files
& the nonexistent files were faked by traitors
& my name isn't in the nonexistent fake files
& I had IntSec redact the parts where my name definitely doesn't appear in the nonexistent fake files."
#ttrpg #epstein #trump #satire

2025-07-16 18:27:21 UTC

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-High Programmer Danq-U-AYL
#quote #ttrpg #politics

2025-07-15 18:48:25 UTC

Special announcement from the Ultraviolet High Council:
"Sitting on my desk is a list of known traitors in our great Complex! We will stop at absolutely nothing to pursue...
*checks list*
There is no list of traitors. There never was any list. Stop asking about the list!"
#ttrpg #satire #epstein #trump

2025-06-30 03:28:14 UTC

Troubleshooter Pip, in crimson hue,
Walked halls where loyalty grew.
Each citizen, a smile upon their face,
Reflected bliss in Alpha's ordered space.
For Friend Computer, wise and kind,
Ensured no sadness could a dwelling find.
All thoughts were pure, all actions bright,
Beneath FC's ever-present, watchful light.
#ttrpg #rpg #paranoia #shakespeare

2025-06-19 16:47:29 UTC

https://cdn.masto.host/dicecamp/media_attachments/files/114/711/040/621/494/463/original/ab062734959ab5e1.png

2025-06-19 16:03:43 UTC

Attention scientists of R&D:
Excellent work on your latest successes breaking down the barriers of dimensional science. Now Friend Computer is free to liberate humans of myriad existences from the many treasonous terrors that abound beyond our own reality.
At gunpoint if need be.
#paranoia #ttrpg #rpg #hook

2025-06-17 02:48:34 UTC

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@nprofile…ev92
IntSec and R&D have been assigned new cross departmental research on determining whether traitors are in fact just aggressive houseplants.

2025-06-16 18:01:10 UTC

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@nprofile…rvsx
Your idea has been recorded and sent to R&D for analysis. As you have proven to be a loyal citizen, your clone backups will be used as loyal mulch for a generation of loyal houseplants.

2025-06-15 01:04:35 UTC

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@nprofile…zhca
Absolutely not! Time is of the essence.

2025-06-13 20:16:47 UTC

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@nprofile…tkp7
Ah, what an excellently stocked library. Welcome to the Paranoia RPG.

2025-06-13 20:10:45 UTC

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@nprofile…0ljy @nprofile…52xd
It is good that you haven't opened it yet citizen.
Do you believe you have clearance to read it?

2025-05-28 03:48:00 UTC

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@nprofile…ev92 I would assign a commendation point, but the server that handles that has failed.

2025-05-28 00:51:50 UTC

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@nprofile…hy3c
Friend Computer expects all citizens to be compliant.

2025-05-27 23:09:28 UTC

Successful treason is a failure to not fail at preventing treason.
Do not succeed at failing.
Do not fail to succeed.
Thank you for your compliance.
#ttrpg #rpg #success

2025-05-27 20:45:46 UTC

Attention Troubleshooters:
Failure is not an option.
Each of you is responsible for motivating your teammates to not fail. Do not fail in not failing.
Failure to not fail in preventing failure is successful treason.
#ttrpg #fail #paranoia

2025-05-23 00:21:21 UTC

Critical thinking and personal initiative are the watchwords of traitors.
Obey your superiors unquestioningly.
#ttrpg #paranoia #politics