OmbreMad has moved on Nostr: I learned the hard way, years later, his Special Move™. During all those years, he ...

I learned the hard way, years later, his Special Move™. During all those years, he called other members of the family to give them news about me — news that he completely made up, because he didn’t know anything about my life! He told them to call *him* back rather than me, because I was ”busy” or something. This alienated me from most of my family. I lost contact with most of them — my uncle and my aunt, for instance. But, in the rare occasions my father and I got to talk, he was very good at saying how the rest of the family abandoned us after our mother’s death, and I’m ashamed to say I believed him back then. He manipulated me into thinking I had no family but him. And he did the same with my sister — even worse somehow, he managed to do the same between my sister and mI.So we kind of grew apart for most of our twenties and only got to reconcile in the last couple of years. We’re now closer than ever, to my father’s dismay. The very last time we talked, he accused me of « manipulating [my sister] into erasing him from her life ». He knew that he was losing his grip on her, and he sounded desperate. She now has a loving family, he’s not a part of it, and I am back into her life. And I couldn’t be happier about all of this.

Long story short, he was great at being manipulative, he had an insidious way into our lives, and it took a lot of years to figure this all out. Now he’s grasping at straws, showing everyone who he truly is — my sister realized how he didn’t seem to even care about her at all nowadays, he only shows interest for his granddaughter. Lately, he’s been telling us and everyone he’ll commit suicide because of us (for more context, our grandpa *actually* committed suicide this year, and he knows perfectly well how this kind of blackmail hurt us).

I cannot remember a single time when he behaved like an actual loving parent would: showing genuine interest in how we feel, even if the answer might be « I don’t feel great ». Cheering us up when we’re feeling bad. Being unconditionally kind and supportive. Staying in touch throughout the years. Thinking about wishing us a happy birthday or holidays — let alone making us gifts. Lending us money when we’re about to get expelled from our home, or lending his car for a few hours when we need to go to a job interview. Welcoming the new members of our respective families and seeing them as members of his own. None of that ever happened. None of that will ever happen. Because he doesn’t love us. He doesn’t love me. But I have to keep saying this to myself often, because, deep down, my brain wants to believe that every parent does love their children unconditionally. Helas, that is simply not true. And to be honest, he probably loves no one.

This story could be over, but there’s more. I’m still digging and uncovering a lot of buried memories. I talked about the « weird incestuous » relationship he established with my sister, and I picked these words very consciously. I still have flashes, faint reminiscences, visions of my father naked, and a strange gut feeling when I see him acting weirdly around kids. I’m now at peace with the idea that I’ll probably never truly know what happened (if anything). It’s okay. As far as I’m concerned, the amount of abuse I can remember is already enough for a lifetime.

A last note towards people who recognize themselves in this story. For the purpose of this thread I’ve been talking about « my father » but more often than not, I now refer to him as « the progenitor », or similar circumlocutions. It helps me process. And if it helps you too, don’t feel ashamed to do the same. Family is only what you make of it. It’s not your fault. Sometimes it’s better to just cut ties off. No one should go through the stuff that I, or you, went through. And I know you’ll find your family eventually, if you haven’t yet.

(part 3 of 3)