I think I understand, in part anyway.
Still I hope you will find some reason to continue on, even if it’s something ludicrously small. When I find everything to be heavy and oppressive, I lower my vantage to day by day, hour by hour. Eventually I emerge from that tunnel and find something has shifted, usually for the better.
Would you reconsider talking to a therapist? Perhaps there is a better fit than past experiences. I’ve found that to be the case for me.