raedwyer on Nostr: I used to have these strange, recurring dreams as a really young kid that I now ...

I used to have these strange, recurring dreams as a really young kid that I now realise were my first experiences of erotic life force flowing through me.

I was always being rushed. People needed me to hurry up or they were going to leave and go somewhere without me. The more frantic I got, the more obstacles I was presented with, and the pressure would build.

And then at some point I’d just let go of it. I’d let them leave without me. I’d melt open and merge, ecstatically, into my surroundings.

As I reflect on those dreams, I am acutely aware of this place where having to contort my naturalness to keep up with a break-neck level of urgency, suffocated my flow at a very young age, and buried it under a deep layer of shame.

Shame around my naturalness, around the way I am innately designed to move through the world.

And that has also translated to shame around my sexuality. The upwelling of erotic sensation seemed strange and abnormal to me as I grew up. I didn’t know what it was, but the liminal spaces I have so easily hung out in, were awash with it. And this dynamism between urgency and slowness, control and release, was always woven in.

Recently I had a dream of being bound up and pulled at a great speed through some kind of portal. The complete lack of control and total surrender to whatever had hold of me was SO erotic. I am buzzing with the feeling of it and my heart is liquefying as I type haha. It was wild.

And the less I race through life, the more this energy makes itself known beyond the subconscious soup of my dream world.

Kids intuitively know their pace. And it is promptly indoctrinated out of them.

Few people make it to adulthood without choking down and getting thoroughly brain washed by rush rush rush Koolaid. It is so deeply baked in to everything.

It fires me up when I think about it.

When I think about all the places where my nature has been stifled and shrink wrapped by imbalanced masculine programming, passed down from generation to generation.

A hyper-masculinity that possesses women and binds up their life force. Making them rigid and draining them of their SEX.

I breathe holy fire with my resolve to know that it stops - has stopped - with me.

Because the discovery that those original dreams prophesied, is the well of eros that lives beneath all those sediment layers of control. The wild turn on. The RAPTURE of letting go.

It’s hot AF. And so beautiful. So innocent and pure.

I read really recently that being well fucked has nothing to do with the amount of sex you are having.

True. Well fucked is a relationship with life force flowing through your body.

It is the ownership of your true pace. The pulsing rhythm that can be heard and then relaxed into, when you choose to step out of time with a culture that runs and runs and runs, faster and faster, to keep up with the relentless, propelling force of survival.

It is the depth of the LET GO. The melting and widening oooooze of erotic power unbound by an ancient grip; the intelligence of life finally allowed to seep in.

And it is God, animating the human, finally afforded the space to come in.