Portland, Oregon, this 27th day of September, Anno Domini 2025
My Dearest Olivia,
I write to you from the war-torn streets of Portland, where the President’s National Guard now stands posted at every intersection like so many confused baristas in camouflage. They have taken the food carts and repurposed them as supply depots. Where once you might order a falafel, now you are handed tear gas canisters and strongly worded pamphlets on “law and order.”
The soldiers seem bewildered by our customs. One demanded to know where he might find a tavern, and we regretfully pointed him to a kombucha taproom. He left in disgust when he discovered the strongest drink on hand was lavender-ginger with “probiotic bite.”
Battle lines form nightly outside Whole Foods, where the last unbroken pane of glass in the city remains fiercely defended by both Guard and citizen alike. I myself took cover behind an abandoned Lime scooter during the great clash of Alberta Street, while the enemy rained down rubber bullets as if they were hail upon a tin roof.
Our rations are dire. This morning I dined upon a single artisanal pickle and a half-burned soy latte salvaged from the ruins of Stumptown. The men grow gaunt, yet their mustaches remain thick, as though nourished by sheer irony.
And yet, amidst the chaos, we endure. A brave company of locals have organized a knitting circle to clothe the resistance, while others man barricades constructed entirely of succulents and reclaimed wood. Spirits remain high, though the Wi-Fi remains tragically low.
Hold me in your thoughts, Olivia. Should Providence allow, I will return to you with tales of valor, and perhaps a souvenir traffic cone liberated from the front lines. Until then, I remain,
Yours in eternal hipster-patriotism,
Capt. Jonathan W. Abernathy, 4th Regiment of Stumptown Volunteers
Lord Doktor Krypt3ia
npub1gk…6jqyg
2025-09-27 21:49:59 UTC
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2025-09-27 21:49:59 UTCEvent JSON
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"content": "Portland, Oregon, this 27th day of September, Anno Domini 2025\n\nMy Dearest Olivia,\n\nI write to you from the war-torn streets of Portland, where the President’s National Guard now stands posted at every intersection like so many confused baristas in camouflage. They have taken the food carts and repurposed them as supply depots. Where once you might order a falafel, now you are handed tear gas canisters and strongly worded pamphlets on “law and order.”\n\nThe soldiers seem bewildered by our customs. One demanded to know where he might find a tavern, and we regretfully pointed him to a kombucha taproom. He left in disgust when he discovered the strongest drink on hand was lavender-ginger with “probiotic bite.”\n\nBattle lines form nightly outside Whole Foods, where the last unbroken pane of glass in the city remains fiercely defended by both Guard and citizen alike. I myself took cover behind an abandoned Lime scooter during the great clash of Alberta Street, while the enemy rained down rubber bullets as if they were hail upon a tin roof.\n\nOur rations are dire. This morning I dined upon a single artisanal pickle and a half-burned soy latte salvaged from the ruins of Stumptown. The men grow gaunt, yet their mustaches remain thick, as though nourished by sheer irony.\n\nAnd yet, amidst the chaos, we endure. A brave company of locals have organized a knitting circle to clothe the resistance, while others man barricades constructed entirely of succulents and reclaimed wood. Spirits remain high, though the Wi-Fi remains tragically low.\n\nHold me in your thoughts, Olivia. Should Providence allow, I will return to you with tales of valor, and perhaps a souvenir traffic cone liberated from the front lines. Until then, I remain,\n\nYours in eternal hipster-patriotism,\nCapt. Jonathan W. Abernathy, 4th Regiment of Stumptown Volunteers",
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