aqua • ♥️ on Nostr: my limits…i don’t want to die, i don’t want extreme pain but i can tolerate it, ...

my limits…i don’t want to die, i don’t want extreme pain but i can tolerate it, i don’t want to be pregnant. i am indeed tired ! ive had people try to stop me, ive had people leave me cuz i dont leave abusers because they’re my friends and I care about their wellbeing and hope eventually they’ll do better, and people say I should not have that faith in people. but I always do. i tried to meet my mister who my mom cancelled my flight to rallied her friends contacted everyone she knew & insisted i wus being trafficked. so now i try 2 keep everything secret bc people intervene . it’s not that i don’t want to heal or stop seeking out pain, it’s more like: the pain isn’t enough. my trauma responses do not justify the trauma. i need the worst of the worst. the worst, to me, is a pedophile taking a younger child and using them as a sex doll and pimping them out , maybe even when people around them don’t even notice . but because nothing happened until i was 10 and it was someone my age it didn’t feel enough . and it never did and never does . i just want to finally feel like ive had ‘enough’ , i feel like im not allowed 2 heal or whatever until i have had the climax, the worst of the worst. ideally a life worth living to me is just to be a child forever . the only reason i want to die is because i never want to be an adult . if pedophiles like me i can’t be an adult … if i don’t do this or that i can’t be an adult if i die i can’t be an adult . even if morally i believe otherwise i accept the morally wrong to me because i deserve hurt i haven’t had enough hurt and i want more hurt . i guess ..?