npub1pm…yjcca on Nostr: >Routine Traffic Stop Becomes Felony Any% WORLD RECORD >“AND WE ARE OFF—suspect ...

>Routine Traffic Stop Becomes Felony Any% WORLD RECORD
>“AND WE ARE OFF—suspect has been stopped for an expired registration, a very favorable opening seed!”
>officer walks up
>asks for license and insurance
>driver instantly says “I know my rights”
>“EARLY SOVEREIGN-CITIZEN DIALOGUE! Risky strat, but it saves several minutes of normal human interaction!”
>officer asks him to step out
>driver locks doors
>“HE’S GOING FOR THE VEHICLE ENTRENCHMENT SKIP!”
>begins filming the officer with a second phone despite already being filmed by three bodycams and a dashcam
>“Excellent redundancy. This will ensure the footage survives on at least six YouTube channels.”
>officer explains that the car is being towed
>driver puts vehicle in gear
>timer appears onscreen
>00:47
>“OH MY GOD, HE’S ATTEMPTING THE FLEEING AND ELUDING TECHNIQUE BEFORE THE FIRST MINUTE!”
>moves forward approximately eight feet
>immediately blocked by patrol car
>“Bad RNG. Parking lot geometry has ended the vehicle segment early.”
>driver gets out and runs
>wearing flip-flops
>“Unoptimized footwear, but look at that confidence!”
>one flip-flop leaves his foot before he clears the handicapped space
>“HE’S SHED AN INVENTORY ITEM TO INCREASE MOVEMENT SPEED!”
>officer catches him beside a dumpster
>driver begins resisting arrest while loudly announcing that he is not resisting arrest
>“Classic verbal desync! His dialogue and character animation are no longer synchronized!”
>gets one hand cuffed
>reaches into pocket
>three officers yell “DON’T REACH”
>pulls out a bag of cocaine
>brief silence from announcer
>“Ladies and gentlemen, we have just witnessed an accidental felony pickup.”
>driver tries to throw it away
>bag lands directly on hood of patrol car
>“INCREDIBLE ITEM PLACEMENT! That evidence could not be more secure if it had been submitted through the department’s official property window!”
>00:02:11
>officer searches remaining pocket
>finds stolen credit cards
>“BONUS CONTRABAND! This run is now fully glitched!”
>driver claims they belong to his cousin
>cards have four different women’s names on them
>“A weak improvisation, but he commits to it without hesitation.”
>officer asks whose car he was driving
>“My girl’s.”
>registration belongs to a rental company
> car reported stolen yesterday
>announcer audibly stands up from his chair
>“HE’S DONE IT! GRAND THEFT AUTO CONFIRMATION AT TWO MINUTES, FORTY-THREE SECONDS!”
>driver suddenly remembers he has a warrant
>officer checks
>felony warrant for probation violation
>“AND THERE’S THE LEGACY SAVE BONUS! Prior criminal progress carries over into the new run!”
>driver begins yelling that the officers ruined his life
>“Remarkable blame reversal. Absolutely frame-perfect.”
>placed into back of squad car
>kicks window
>window cracks
> “PROPERTY DAMAGE DURING THE RESULTS SCREEN! HE IS STILL ADDING CHARGES AFTER THE TIMER SHOULD HAVE STOPPED!”
>final charge list fills entire screen
>expired registration
>driving suspended
>obstruction
>resisting
>fleeing
>drug possession
>possession of stolen financial instruments
>vehicle theft
>criminal damage to state-supported property
>probation violation
>official time: 3 minutes, 18 seconds
>announcer completely loses it
>“A NEW MISDEMEANOR-TO-FELONY ANY% WORLD RECORD! Nine charges, one lost flip-flop, zero successful decisions!”
>comments immediately accuse him of using a modified controller
>run rejected by moderators
>not a true fresh-save category because he had an active warrant before the traffic stop