“This is a fucking disaster,” I said in front of my wife.
We saw a line of red on Google Maps directing us to our home in Mexico City.
One section of red said +27 minutes with a car crash emblem next to it.
My stomach was burning because of a recent bout with gastroenteritis, and seeing that we had an hour and fifteen minute drive to travel just 16 miles infuriated me.
‘I hate living in this city.’ ‘Why do people drive like morons here?’ ‘Why are these roads built like shit?’
I thought.
I kept thinking these things as the pain in my stomach grew and grew and grew. We slowly approached a stretch where two roads merged before diverting off into two separate roads again.
It was madness.
Cars, vans, tractor trailers, and motorcycles vying for position, creaking into new lanes, cutting each other off, and doing their best given the absolutely moronic design of merging two roads together before dividing them up into two roads again 30 meters later.
This is the hell I was in just yesterday coming back home from picking up my marriage certificate with my wife.
I wish I could tell you I handled this situation well, but I didn’t.
Add in a couple wrong turns (which added even more time to our journey) and you start to see the shit show that it was.
As I sat in my car with my wife, I realized that since my blood was boiling, it was setting her on edge too.
I’m ashamed to say it’s the first time I ever thought about that.
When you think of the traditional “man” we saw so much of in 80’s and 90’s movies, they always seemed to maintain their composure.
These characters are what many today might call “toxic males.”
Fuck. If they were toxic, then give me the nearest vat of poison to drink.
I don’t think most people would consider maintaining your composure toxic, though. It’s something that should be celebrated. In fact, losing your composure constantly is the mark of a toxic male.
I saw something on Twitter the other day that said “Men who can’t control their emotions aren’t real men.”
I mostly agree with that.
We’re all human at the end of the day, so even the most stoic of men lose their heads at some point. But how can I become a man who does it less?
I look at myself and realize that I still have so far to go in terms of improving myself. During childhood, my Dad was the type of guy to get set off at the smallest of things (not anymore though).
I never thought that maybe — just maybe — that seeped into my own behavior somehow.
I remember how I felt when I was with him. I felt scared, hopeless, and just wanted him to calm down so I could feel more at ease.
I don’t want people to feel that way around me at all.
Honestly, I never thought I had much of a problem with any of this. I always thought I was a pretty chill guy, but the reality is I’m worse than I thought.
I’m weaker than I thought.
It’s fine to feel emotions and be upset and even feel down about how your life is going. But now that I’m a husband I realize I need to nip this problem in the bud.
Because me being calm and composed is something she needs, too.
And stress is only going to heighten the older I get. What’s going to happen when I have kids? Or when I go through financial hardship? What then?
I got to be ready.
I got to improve now so I can be prepared later on.
So, what’s the question every good man needs to ask themselves eventually?
How are my actions affecting my loved ones?
Start there.