Nostr notes by Kevin Davy

@npub1pce…geep A number of different conversations on here ...

2026-04-29T20:20:56Z

Actually Autistics (npub1pce…geep)

A number of different conversations on here recently has prompted me to remember something. When I was a teenager we had a next door neighbour who was in her 90's and still lived alone. Sometimes people would comment on how great it was that she could still be independent at her age and I would always completely agree. Despite knowing that,

Long before home deliveries, I did her shopping every week and picked up her prescriptions.
My mother would help her with any official correspondence that needed replying to and any phone calls that she needed to be made, (mostly because the old dear was profoundly hard of hearing.)
Another neighbour took her to church every week and to any appointments she had.
A friend from church looked after her garden and another one would do any DIY jobs, or heavy lifting that needed doing.

And yet, everyone still saw her as living independently and this is because independence has always been health and age related and by those standards she did. And because hardly anyone lives truly independently of everyone else. There is always occasional and more than occasional food, or help, or just someone you can call on, whether that be a neighbour, or friend, or relative, for baby sitting, or lifts, or whatever. Independence as an absolute doesn't really exist, and hardly anyone views it that way.

Except, perhaps, us. I don't know whether it is our tendency towards black or white thinking, or perhaps the perfectionism we often view things by. But for many of us, and perhaps more so for those of us realising we're autistic later in life, the trap of viewing our desire and need for independence by the absolute standard of all or nothing, is something that we are only too prone to fall into. And then, of course, end up wondering why we can't live that way and blaming ourselves accordingly.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

They are often far more accurate when they don't implicitly ...

2026-03-23T14:57:35Z

In reply to nevent1q…6t76
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They are often far more accurate when they don't implicitly describe them as autistic.

Thank you :bear_hugs:

2026-03-23T13:25:43Z

In reply to nevent1q…xcxw
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Thank you :bear_hugs:

You, like many of us, do what you can. And that is no small thing ...

2026-03-23T13:06:33Z

In reply to nevent1q…cm0l
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You, like many of us, do what you can. And that is no small thing or wasted effort :bear_hugs:

The fact that autism is primarily genetic and runs in families ...

2026-03-23T12:58:18Z

In reply to nevent1q…wdlz
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The fact that autism is primarily genetic and runs in families and that normally means for the older generations, unrealised autistics, was also often why many of us struggled to see it in us.
It was just a normal way people behaved, at least in our families. People who otherwise were just functioning members of society. Or at least to us appeared to be.

Interesting. I have also read that the real life person that ...

2026-03-23T12:30:20Z

In reply to nevent1q…qc8l
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Interesting. I have also read that the real life person that Dustin's character was based on, wasn't even autistic, although he was thought to be at the time because he fit the existing, oh so flawed, definition.
So the real twist could be that the real autistic character being portrayed was actually the younger brother all along.

@npub1pce…geep During the course of my 6 decades revolving ...

2026-03-23T03:08:33Z

Actually Autistics (npub1pce…geep)

During the course of my 6 decades revolving around the sun, there have been a lot of changes to the way autism is understood and recognised. But, as welcome as the advances that have been made are, even though there is still far to go, the way things were, go a long way to explain how I, and I suspect so may of us, were able to fly under the radar and not even consider the possibility that we were autistic for as long as we did.

For example, as a kid in the late sixties I turned up at school waving so many red flags for, this kid is autistic, it would be considered impossible for it not to be picked up on now. Chiefly, I couldn't make eye contact, I was speech delayed and had poor social skills, or apparently any desire to become social or make friends. But back then, everyone knew that autistics had to have even more extreme behavioural issues than just this and were, well back then they used a horrendous word beginning with R, so learning disabled. Which I clearly wasn't.

So call high functioning, or Asperger's, didn't really appear on the horizon until the early eighties, at least here in the UK, and even then it was often misread as a certain type of person only, the gifted, highly intelligent outsider and introvert. So, not a great help for a lot of us, and even less for me, given that I was already in university by then and masking like a good one.

Of course, it was even less helpful if you were female presenting. The myth that autism was only something that affected males and far too often that actually meant, white middle class males at least, still has its roots in far too many places. So that, even today, if you are a POC, or female presenting, or, god forbid, poor, it is far harder to get a correct diagnosis. Not when there are so many other diagnoses that they can throw at you. Despite the fact that they aren't accurate and don't help. And in fact, all too often, come with horribly negative consequences for being diagnosed with them.

That, I realise now, has been the common thread through all my years, that it has always been about how autism was considered to present, at least to the outsider. And all too often that meant how negatively we presented. What we couldn't do, how far we fell short of their standards, our deficits, at least to their minds, and rarely, if ever, our strengths. In fact these, if they were recognised at all, were all too often seen as mysterious savant like skills emerging from an otherwise empty or damaged facade. Think rain man. All the stereotypes that grew from the various attempts to define us and which still plague us today. In fact, these are often our biggest hurdles to realising that we could be autistic. All the, well I can't be autistic because, I can make eye contact, make friends, have a good job, marry and perhaps the most corrosive of all, are capable of empathy.

It is the stereotypes that mean that all too often we are used to seeing our autistic traits presented on TV and film, by the unfeeling robot, or android, the flawed, socially blind, genius. Or the hero who has to be shepherded through the social world by their allistic partner, whilst they solve the crimes, or save the day. The truth is that we are all different. Some of us struggle with something's, but not others. And how we struggle, or present those things can also differ. Above all, of course, they differ from how the world thinks we should be.

So, just because we are not reacting the way we're supposed to, doesn't mean that we aren't reacting. For many of us, for example, our empathy can come out as a need to problem-solve and not, immediately anyway, just providing emotional support. That we may need to hide from the news of the world, especially as it is at the moment, or carry on with our normal posts, as if nothing was changing. Isn't because we can't see or can't, or don't, care about it, but because we've had to learn to shield ourselves from so much, from our own, often, hyper-empathic and justice driven natures. From the pain and hurt of being judged and judging ourselves, from the expectations of what we should be and how we should behave. From all the stereotypes and definitions that have never defined us, but only ever hurt us.

For there are many reasons why we behave and react the way we do and they are all autistic, because we are, and that is the one thing that I really wish the world could come to learn and to define us by.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

Not helped by the times you have opened up and been met by ...

2026-03-18T13:21:12Z

In reply to nevent1q…led2
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Not helped by the times you have opened up and been met by indifference, confusion or a flat out refusal to accept that your reaction could, in any way, be valid, real or coming from a genuine place.
Bottling it up inside us becomes the path of least resistance and in so many ways the only way we have to make our way through the world. Especially if we ourselves do not understand why we react and feel the way we do, or have any access to being able to explain it, even if only to ourselves.

:bear_hugs:

2026-03-05T00:24:54Z

In reply to nevent1q…x6pr
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:bear_hugs:

🎉🎉💪

2026-01-16T03:59:30Z

In reply to nevent1q…6632
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🎉🎉💪

Always annoying when adulting gets in the way of interest 😊 ...

2025-12-12T04:03:07Z

In reply to nevent1q…hujk
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Always annoying when adulting gets in the way of interest 😊 Has to be done though.

Glad you're here too 😊

2025-11-25T16:36:12Z

In reply to nevent1q…x2p5
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Glad you're here too 😊

I seriously doubt alone. 😀

2025-11-18T23:39:30Z

In reply to nevent1q…9m2m
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I seriously doubt alone. 😀

I was about 6 or 7 before I started to learn to read. By the time ...

2025-11-18T23:32:32Z

In reply to nevent1q…a8ge
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I was about 6 or 7 before I started to learn to read. By the time I was 11, I was reading adult fiction.

Yes, we are big and shaggy and stumble around the place like ...

2025-10-30T01:43:27Z

In reply to nevent1q…vfwz
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Yes, we are big and shaggy and stumble around the place like drunkards... Oh, you mean this place. Me too. :bear_hugs:

@npub1pce…geep This caught my attention. I don't know how ...

2025-10-27T00:26:00Z

Actually Autistics (npub1pce…geep)

This caught my attention. I don't know how accurate these figures are. Not without access to the original research to assess it. But if these are in any way close, then bloody hell. I've always been of the opinion that the majority of adults weren't diagnosed in one way or another. But these sorts of figures were surprising. In any case, it is good to see something like this in mainstream media and the consequences of it, being discussed.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/autism-diagnosis-over-40-britain-b2816046.html

Mine was shop bought and isn't as good as one knitted for ...

2025-10-11T23:21:19Z

In reply to nevent1q…w5eg
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Mine was shop bought and isn't as good as one knitted for you. I had a wonderful jumper made by my grandmother. Until the day, like a complete idiot, I forgot it was hand-knitted and threw it, without thinking, into the washing machine. 😭

I'm glad you were able to find it in the end and not ...

2025-10-11T23:10:14Z

In reply to nevent1q…lg52
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I'm glad you were able to find it in the end and not surprised that you had the reaction to losing it, that you did. It's hard enough as it to find things we like, losing, or finally having to say goodbye to a really treasured item, is really upsetting. (this reply brought to you, by the person currently typing this, whilst wearing his 35 year old favourite jumper)

To be honest, it was the tactile sensation of it, I could never ...

2025-10-08T02:09:31Z

In reply to nevent1q…7a79
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To be honest, it was the tactile sensation of it, I could never get on with. Not what it looked like. I'm like you regarding actual frogs/toads. I actually love the taste of milk puddings.

Or, as I grew up calling tapioca, frog spawn pudding. Still, good ...

2025-10-08T02:01:56Z

In reply to nevent1q…al2n
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Or, as I grew up calling tapioca, frog spawn pudding. Still, good call and future you, will thank now you.

Glad it seemed to work then. 😀

2025-10-06T02:05:33Z

In reply to nevent1q…pnm5
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Glad it seemed to work then. 😀

🤞

2025-10-06T01:31:14Z

In reply to nevent1q…zy6t
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🤞

That's the way to take a walk. 😀

2025-10-02T21:26:44Z

In reply to nevent1q…438h
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That's the way to take a walk. 😀

It does very little for me.

2025-09-29T02:54:18Z

In reply to nevent1q…jq8f
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It does very little for me.

Interesting. Although, I'm sure they've found a way round ...

2025-09-27T00:22:59Z

In reply to nevent1q…dp08
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Interesting. Although, I'm sure they've found a way round this somehow. Why else push through an obviously useless medication. Unless, of course, you are one of the very few who actually need it.

I think most of the wrong doing in this current government, ...

2025-09-27T00:07:19Z

In reply to nevent1q…qjkh
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I think most of the wrong doing in this current government, follows the old adage of, follow the money. I doubt if anything they do, doesn't involve it, or isn't the point.

I think you'll find that his wellness company sells the damn ...

2025-09-26T23:58:36Z

In reply to nevent1q…34tt
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I think you'll find that his wellness company sells the damn stuff.

I'm sure you're right about repetition. Although, I also ...

2025-09-26T22:57:39Z

In reply to nevent1q…088k
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I'm sure you're right about repetition. Although, I also found that if I'm not sure if I have read a book, all I have to do is read the first page to know. And not always the whole page and that includes books I've only ever once, or even gave up on. Having said that, occasionally a really old post of mine will pop up, you know how that can happen here, and I'll be looking at it and going, did I write that? So...

This is something I've always known about me. If I want to ...

2025-09-26T22:40:16Z

In reply to nevent1q…kjje
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This is something I've always known about me. If I want to really remember something, write it down. It used to be the case that the act itself was enough, and I could almost throw the note away at that point and still remember. Now, not so much, age and all that.

My father was born in 1932 and was autistic as the day is long, ...

2025-09-22T23:39:57Z

In reply to nevent1q…fkqc
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My father was born in 1932 and was autistic as the day is long, not that anyone noticed. Because being intelligent and being able to cope, pretty much meant you couldn't be in those days. Widening the diagnostic criteria and catching people like him, and me, doesn't mean we weren't autistic before. It just means that we're getting better at seeing what it actually is.

My father, was, in my mind, without doubt autistic, although he ...

2025-09-16T01:16:12Z

In reply to nevent1q…fe4a
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My father, was, in my mind, without doubt autistic, although he never had the chance to find that out. But, in many ways, I think he always lived in fear for me. He saw himself in me and knew the struggle of life, even if he never had the words, or understanding, to explain. Our lives, without context, are so much harder.

FYI. the Guppe group is no more, unfortunately the domain was sold before the owner could renew. You might want to unfollow all the Guppe groups you follow, as they are now potentially very unsafe. Many of us are now using Actually Autistics (npub1pce…geep)

I can certainly see myself in a lot of this, but not all. But, ...

2025-08-28T01:32:08Z

In reply to nevent1q…p4l8
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I can certainly see myself in a lot of this, but not all. But, yes, feelings of always being on the outside looking in, never knowing why or how to change that without losing myself entirely. Certainly the fawning and the drive for perfectionism, that was still never enough.

My understanding, from professional gardeners, is that now is the ...

2025-08-24T01:37:35Z

In reply to nevent1q…2fhx
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My understanding, from professional gardeners, is that now is the time to do heavy pruning. Not the beginning of winter, but the end. I know this is one of those hotly contested things. But, it's the way I've always done it and so far things have always bounced back. If your spring is exceptionally dry, I might give some thought to giving it more water than usual, but that's all.
Oh and another thing taught me, by said gardeners. Plants either do flower, or wood. So, if they are concentrating on growing back, you might not get as much flowering this year. But that is normal.

Yep. They don't tend to muck around and do things by halves. ...

2025-08-24T01:18:41Z

In reply to nevent1q…zg5k
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Yep. They don't tend to muck around and do things by halves. Mostly because, it will grow back, and often stronger.

I rest my case. 😆

2025-08-19T00:09:40Z

In reply to nevent1q…e8ap
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I rest my case. 😆

Well, a Goth club. Hardly surprising 😆 The only more obvious ...

2025-08-19T00:07:29Z

In reply to nevent1q…3lc0
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Well, a Goth club. Hardly surprising 😆 The only more obvious ones, would be lego club, or D and D.

Mostly it's spotting people at work, or in shops. Sometimes ...

2025-08-18T23:56:12Z

In reply to nevent1q…gwyp
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Mostly it's spotting people at work, or in shops. Sometimes just walking down the street as I'm driving past. I don't really socialise any more. But, when I did, I do wonder about the people I used to naturally gravitate to.

I definitely think that we know our own. Although, I haven't ...

2025-08-18T23:41:39Z

In reply to nevent1q…kmxf
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I definitely think that we know our own. Although, I haven't been quite as lucky as you. I've spotted a few, but not in any position to talk.

Perhaps remembering that there is a certain percentage of ...

2025-08-18T02:40:26Z

In reply to nevent1q…qdua
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Perhaps remembering that there is a certain percentage of humanity that falls into a certain class. It's called, being a fucking twat. They need no further explanation, their words and actions, require no further understanding and they can be dealt with solely upon that basis. Either by ignoring them, or punching them, your choice. Whatever feels best for the moment.
It's not up to you to justify why they are in that class, or to find the ways to forgive them for it, or to educate them. It's up to them to move themselves out of it and until then, they are not worthy of being taken seriously.

Open posts. It's not as if they normally hang around long, ...

2025-08-15T23:09:11Z

In reply to nevent1q…edtv
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Open posts. It's not as if they normally hang around long, not with how the timeline works. But, I do vet my followers.

Something tells me, that the neighbour with the light won't ...

2025-08-15T01:11:06Z

In reply to nevent1q…9zce
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Something tells me, that the neighbour with the light won't be as conducive to this approach. If they're already breaking codes and shitting on their own doorstep, then outside enforcement is probably the only way to go.

Definitely. You've attempted it the nice way, now comes the ...

2025-08-15T00:53:04Z

In reply to nevent1q…hpm3
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Definitely. You've attempted it the nice way, now comes the consequence of them failing to be a good neighbour. And I'd just call the code enforcement, without even bothering to warn them. They'll know it was you, but won't be able to prove it and if that doesn't work out, then onto plan b, of intimidation and violence. If only against the light. For example, is it within slingshot, or air rifle range?

Apart from looking into the rules for this sort of light in terms ...

2025-08-15T00:25:37Z

In reply to nevent1q…fmrg
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Apart from looking into the rules for this sort of light in terms of the local community, or authority. I'm afraid I have nothing, that wouldn't involve me intimidating the crap out of the neighbour, or extreme violence on the light.

Glad you were able to have a good time, without too much cost.

2025-08-08T21:26:02Z

In reply to nevent1q…et39
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Glad you were able to have a good time, without too much cost.

I have just finished watching The Old Guard 2 on Netflix. I loved ...

2025-07-08T01:58:30Z

I have just finished watching The Old Guard 2 on Netflix. I loved the first one and thought it was a brilliant action film and also an interesting twist on the, what if you were immortal, or superhero, theme. I just thought I'd mention that the sequel is a, to be continued film. Which I don't always mind if I know about it in advance. But, hate finding out the hard way.
I don't know what it is. But, getting invested in something and then finding out that there is no solution or ending yet, really annoys and upsets me.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

It's always there, just mostly subconscious.

2025-06-25T01:31:02Z

In reply to nevent1q…vje6
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It's always there, just mostly subconscious.

The uncanny valley effect.

2025-06-25T01:16:39Z

In reply to nevent1q…ge7h
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The uncanny valley effect.

Well, in some respects, we definitely are. If nothing else, in ...

2025-06-18T02:12:43Z

In reply to nevent1q…7025
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Well, in some respects, we definitely are. If nothing else, in making them have to think about what is not only normal for them, but in general.

Wonderful wording use 😀

2025-06-18T02:06:50Z

In reply to nevent1q…t7er
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Wonderful wording use 😀

That it's not. But, it certainly helps when you can finally ...

2025-06-18T00:45:15Z

In reply to nevent1q…88yu
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That it's not. But, it certainly helps when you can finally find community. Not only to realise that you are not alone, but a place that understands.

@npub10v4…s27h Recently I have been thinking and struggling ...

2025-06-17T23:20:35Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

Recently I have been thinking and struggling with the double empathy problem of communication that is, in so many ways, the bane of our existence. Like, well, probably all of us, I am used to being misinterpreted, used to my words not be taken at their face value, often despite my great efforts to communicate as clearly as I can, to the point, more often than not, of dumbing down my words to make it as simple as possible. Used to my truths being seen as joking and my jokes, being seen as the truth. Although, to be fair with that one, having a flat effect voice and face and a dry and desolate sense of humour probably doesn't help. But, as used to and as frustrated by all this as I am, every now and again, I am reminded of the other side of this coin.

It is the reason why I started learning allistic at a very young age. Observing, analysing and building up a framework of how and why they communicate. The different approaches they have to it, the more emotive and irrational basis for their communication and why they seemed to follow patterns that made little sense to me, but which obviously did for them. Why I put so much effort into learning to understand and speak this foreign language, or at least to try to. It was simply because that there were so many times when I no more understood them, than they did me. And as good as I have got at this and despite the effort I still pour into it, I still don't.

It's sometimes easy to forget this. That it is as much a me thing, as it is a they thing. That despite all the effort I put in, and they don't, to cross the fundamental divide between us, that divide still exists and sometimes we're very squarely on our side and looking in complete confusion across. It's automatic, I suppose, for me to try and bridge that gap, to blame myself for not being able to and to keep trying to anyway. Like so many of us, I have spent a lifetime being punished for my failures to understand. Or, being gaslit into believing that it is solely my fault, that this is something I should know.

But then, that's the problem. The worrying, the sleepless nights and the situations and conversations on endless loop as I try to understand where things went pear shaped, or what may be coming my way, is all based on the assumption that I can know, or be able to work it out. Whereas the truth is, that sometimes I'll just never know and perhaps it's better to accept that and sleep better.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

Yep, you could see them struggling. I actually think, that they ...

2025-06-15T18:42:19Z

In reply to nevent1q…2dfu
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Yep, you could see them struggling. I actually think, that they probably had to practise this, to get it this bad.

That level of bad, is actually really hard to do. In one of the ...

2025-06-15T17:37:43Z

In reply to nevent1q…c38k
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That level of bad, is actually really hard to do. In one of the clips I've seen, you can see the soldiers actually struggling not to march properly. So, intentional and a message. Add in the lack of dress uniforms and wearing just fatigues, this wasn't the soldiers on their own, but came from higher up.

Stress can definitely drop me into default status, especially if ...

2025-06-09T23:25:34Z

In reply to nevent1q…2fpg
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Stress can definitely drop me into default status, especially if it is an unexpected situation. Although even if it is a situation that I had some chance to mentally prepare and script for, if things become other than I prepared for, that will also do it.

I did not know that Gary Numan was autistic, but it really ...

2025-05-22T23:00:24Z

In reply to nevent1q…c3zl
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I did not know that Gary Numan was autistic, but it really doesn't surprise me.

I actually think it's one of my stims. Just the joy of ...

2025-04-30T01:18:56Z

In reply to nevent1q…hmjr
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I actually think it's one of my stims. Just the joy of oneness with the vehicle and the flow.

It's not for everyone. Although, anxiety and confidence is ...

2025-04-30T00:51:33Z

In reply to nevent1q…xfvz
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It's not for everyone. Although, anxiety and confidence is largely a function of time and patience. Enough of both, enables you to gain it. Understanding that and the process that needed to be gone through to build through it, was one of my greatest gifts as an instructor.

This is the one that has always got me. There's very few of ...

2025-04-30T00:43:13Z

In reply to nevent1q…ru9x
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This is the one that has always got me. There's very few of us who can't learn, or who can't deal with driving and yet this sort of myth is so widespread that it's another, well I obviously can't be autistic moment, because I can drive. In fact, many of us make a living out of driving. The isolation and skills involved suit us and can make us excel in ways that other suffer.

You learn to use it. To become more in tune with the car and your ...

2025-04-30T00:34:42Z

In reply to nevent1q…4smx
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You learn to use it. To become more in tune with the car and your surroundings, to be more aware of what's going on. It just takes you longer to get there than other learners. But, once you have, you tend to be far better. It least that is my experience, both as a professional driver of over thirty years and a driving instructor for 22 years of that.

Masking and a lack of experience has a lot to do with this. Which ...

2025-04-29T23:42:32Z

In reply to nevent1q…qrys
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Masking and a lack of experience has a lot to do with this. Which isn't to say that we should always get on, just because they are also autistic or audhd. In this we are no different than any other group.

Lovely and rare 😀

2025-04-29T23:29:46Z

In reply to nevent1q…wapa
_________________________

Lovely and rare 😀

Can I point out that this is nothing new. It's long been ...

2025-04-22T01:03:39Z

In reply to nevent1q…del9
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Can I point out that this is nothing new. It's long been known that certain trees deliberately produce fruit, that when ripe and fallen from the tree is basically booze in a fruit skin. Basically because monkeys and I suppose primates will consume them and then spread the seeds.

Like many historical figures, I would be surprised if he ...

2025-04-19T02:25:04Z

In reply to nevent1q…h4dd
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Like many historical figures, I would be surprised if he wasn't autistic. He wasn't without some serious flaws, but who isn't?

Autistics really are the modern day Cassandra's. We see the ...

2025-04-19T02:10:27Z

In reply to nevent1q…tg8v
_________________________

Autistics really are the modern day Cassandra's. We see the patterns emerging, often years before any one else can, and yet no one ever believes us. We can also be the stubbornest bastards known to man. Especially when push comes to shove. :bear_hugs:

Well, I see two options. Either wade in and by the sheer power of ...

2025-04-17T23:34:28Z

In reply to nevent1q…xpzp
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Well, I see two options. Either wade in and by the sheer power of the (former) teacher, take control and get things back on track. Or, bugger off for the day and hope it's all been sorted by the end.

Yikes! The horror. :bear_hugs:

2025-04-17T23:20:21Z

In reply to nevent1q…rlqf
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Yikes! The horror. :bear_hugs:

@npub10v4…s27h It will soon be Autism awareness month, that ...

2025-03-21T23:05:33Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

It will soon be Autism awareness month, that wonderful time of the year when many autistics hit their foxholes screaming "incoming", or take to their bunkers and hide.

"But why?" I hear you ask. "Surely awareness is a good thing?"

Well, obviously yes, normally, but mostly, actually, no. Not in the way this normally pans out, anyway. Because this is the time of year when everything starts getting lit up blue and puzzle pieces start making their appearance and Autism Speaks articles rear their ugly, eugenic, heads. No matter how many times the vast bulk of the autism community explain that these symbols and the organisation that they are linked to, do not bloody speak for us and never sodding will.

Pity-me mothers parade their kids to showcase how terrible their lives are, or how there isn't enough help for their darling children. Which, whilst admittedly this is true for the kids, could be highlighted in better ways. Various celebrities and sports stars come out about the wonders of being diagnosed with autism and the huge change it has made in their pampered lives and puff pieces pop up everywhere about how someone succeeded because of their autistic superpower, or how they wouldn't be where they were now without it, or how someone's a hero, for standing up for their autistic friend. And editors across the land, slap themselves on their backs for such a wonderful job of awareness and here's to the next year and then silence once again falls.

OK, I may be slightly exaggerating this, but unfortunately not by as much as you might be thinking. So many times, even within the good articles and representation, there is the implicit message that only an official diagnosis can do this for you, which is a real kick in the teeth for everyone who has as much chance of getting one of those, as of winning the lottery. That this is something that is seen in us, rather than something that we can see ourselves. And all too often, even with the good stuff, it's always accompanied by the stock, what is autism? answers, from the internet. You know, the ones that just dryly quote the highlights of our disorder, in a way that none of us can actually recognise ourselves in and certainly don't help with others seeing us.

And this is the real problem with awareness month. It's all fine and dandy trying to increase awareness. But of what? Is it the problems and struggles, the difficulty of having autistic children, or being autistic in a world without support? The virtues of finally having your eyes opened to your autistic superpower? Of how the community and others could finally rally around you.

Or is it the different stories that finally allow others to see us, or even for us to finally see ourselves after decades in the dark. That allow the friend or neighbour, or workmate to maybe stop seeing you as the weird, or creepy, or even scary, person. But instead, someone who's just different, who sees and perhaps understands the world in a way that they don't. Not superpowered, or a burden, or broken in any way. Just yourself, just autistic. The stories that lead to acceptance and not just awareness.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

And then the impact of tariffs will add to it and the levels of ...

2025-03-16T01:53:46Z

In reply to nevent1q…zp62
_________________________

And then the impact of tariffs will add to it and the levels of unemployed. If he continues as he is, it's going to get a hell of a lot worse.

I fear for the US, it's only going to get even more so.

2025-03-16T01:47:42Z

In reply to nevent1q…26r8
_________________________

I fear for the US, it's only going to get even more so.

@npub10v4…s27h The reasons why many of us didn't realise we ...

2025-03-07T02:42:45Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

The reasons why many of us didn't realise we were autistic until we were much older, are as many and varied as we are. In large part it was certainly because for most of our lives our understanding, and the understanding in general of what autism was, could best be described as medieval. If we ever did come upon an article or anything to do with autism, we may have seen an echo of ourselves reflected within it, but mostly it just acted to confirm that we didn't fit it at all.

Another major player could well be the way that many of us learnt to mask. We found ways of doing it that we could sustain, in many cases for decades, and that whilst, no doubt, didn't entirely hide the strange, did at least allow us to function within the world. And that is one of the aspects of masking that is often overlooked. It's sheer utility. It's like living in a foreign country and learning to become proficient enough in its language and customs. You don't exactly understand why things have to be done in certain ways and you certainly don't always feel comfortable with some of the hoops you have to go through and the effort it costs. But, you can at least get by without upsetting too many apple carts and by being largely accepted by the locals.

It's one of the reasons why we can struggle to unmask. It's difficult to see why we should give up something that works. In fact, in some respects, it may even be impossible for us to entirely unmask. So much of it has become who we are, as much as a shield to hide behind. But the fact that it was a shield, means that for many of us the effort should still be made. If you're always hiding, then you are never seen. It's not you who are praised, or wanted, or valued. It's not you, who can feel that sense of worth or pride in what you've done, in how you are in the world. It's why many of us, especially if we are lucky enough to find something we enjoy and are good at, become basically workaholics. It's the one area where what we are doing mirrors who we are, and any praise can be felt as if it's earned. And if in all other areas you have self-esteem low enough to out limbo dance an earthworm, then that's no small thing. Because in so many ways, it's experiencing the positive interactions of actually being seen that builds up self-esteem and worth and you can't do that if you are hiding behind a shield.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

We can't help but see things as they are. Dark humour is kind ...

2025-02-26T03:56:41Z

In reply to nevent1q…pujq
_________________________

We can't help but see things as they are. Dark humour is kind of natural to us. And, I've come out with far worse.

I think many of us learnt to use our humour as a masking ...

2025-02-26T03:46:01Z

In reply to nevent1q…30dv
_________________________

I think many of us learnt to use our humour as a masking technique. Of course, it doesn't hurt that contrary to the misconceptions, we tend to have a really good sense of humour, even if it may be a bit black and bleak.

Liked big bang, couldn't get on with young Sheldon. High ...

2025-02-26T03:32:52Z

In reply to nevent1q…7u7h
_________________________

Liked big bang, couldn't get on with young Sheldon. High potential, I'm still not sure about, but then I've only watched the first three episodes. Far prefer Astrid.

Unfortunately, I don't think they are thinking about the rest ...

2025-02-19T03:45:11Z

In reply to nevent1q…ff4a
_________________________

Unfortunately, I don't think they are thinking about the rest of the world. It's all about themselves. About staying in power and avoiding the consequences of their actions. Hence, Musk attacking all the agencies trying to hold him accountable and Trump allowing him to trash the economy and the ability of the structures to hold in him check. Martial law would be the cherry on the cake and allow him the control he really strives for.
How he is dealing with the rest of the world, is a reflection of that, of his ego and the need to be the centre of things, rather than any understanding of what he is doing. It's all about power for him and at the moment those that enabled him to get that, are serving his purpose and will be allowed to do what they are. He doesn't care about their plan for the country, only that he's in charge.
As far as the rest of the world is concerned, this is the death knell for American influence. Most of it already knows what it truly means in terms of violence and interference in their autonomy. But, for the rest, this is the game changer that will either bring them together, or force them to make the choices they might not want to make.

I'm not sure that is still an active account. He's mostly ...

2025-02-11T19:53:11Z

In reply to nevent1q…llte
_________________________

I'm not sure that is still an active account. He's mostly using Flesh & bone by the telephone (npub1kys…8jxu) now.

@npub10v4…s27h One of the things that I love about the autistic ...

2025-02-04T01:26:12Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

One of the things that I love about the autistic community here and which I found very surprising when I first joined, is that so many of us here are older and very much late in realising or being diagnosed as autistic. It makes for a very diverse range of experiences and in many cases opinions. However, it does mean that we tend to share two things in common.

One. We've spent most of our lives knowing only that we didn't belong. More often than not, without knowing why, or even how sometimes. Because, we certainly tried to. My god, did we try to. Often in ways that we shouldn't have and with people that we certainly shouldn't have. Which often led to no small amount of failures and disasters, rejection and betrayal, pain and suffering, trauma and in many cases, PTSD.

Two. That we learnt early to hide, in one way or another. Either literally, in the isolated nooks and crannies that we soon learnt the uncanny art of finding everywhere we had to be. Or, behind the masks we grew to try and fit in, or, at the very least, not to stand out. Because standing out, being actually seen, was always dangerous. It was, perhaps, the earliest lesson that many of us would have learnt. That in the world outside, no matter who you were with, or where you were, you were only a mis-step away from being abused, or criticised. That we were frightfully, truly alone and being you, was to be attacked. So, is it any wonder that we tend to have more than our fair share of anxiety and stress issues, depression and barely, if not even close to being, healed scars.

Now, I'm not saying that we are alone in this, or that it doesn't equally apply to many groups, or other autistics who have been diagnosed earlier. Unfortunately, for so many, far from it. I'm just saying that we just tend to have a rather long and unique history with it. Does it always show up in what we post? No, in fact many of us try very hard to not dwell upon it. We have finally found a place where we belong and a community that we can be ourselves in and why dwell on the dark. It's not as if it is really going anywhere.

But, it does make us very vulnerable to what is going on at the moment. Either because we are directly involved, or because of all the news coming out of America and how we can see people are being affected, especially our friends. It's hard not to feel, not to be overwhelmed by it, especially when you consider how sensitive and emphatic we can be and the nature of our histories. There is just so much.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to it. We can work on filtering our timelines, as much as it can work anyway. We can step away, for a time or for as long is it takes, there's certainly no shame in that. Some of us will want to get involved and some will want to keep on posting as normal. Not because we don't care, or feel anything, but because it's the only way we know how to fight the darkness, of our own history and of the world outside. We will all have to find out what will work for us, because, this isn't ending any time soon, and allow others to do the same.

But to the rest of the Fediverse, if you come to read this. Please remember that there are those of us who are already hurt, who have always been hurting. Who have known nothing but being marginalised and isolated and a target for all the hate that is out there. So, don't be surprised if we ask you to CW your posts, or spell names and hashtags correctly, so that our filters can work. Don't begrudge us posting as normal, our pictures of cats and dogs, our silly humour and tales of normality. It doesn't mean that we don't care, in fact far from it.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

It's not a bad bench and certainly not as lonely as it used ...

2025-01-27T17:54:05Z

In reply to nevent1q…tn3j
_________________________

It's not a bad bench and certainly not as lonely as it used to be 😊

All so very true. In so many ways we are Cassandra, telling ...

2025-01-27T14:38:51Z

In reply to nevent1q…ha6w
_________________________

All so very true. In so many ways we are Cassandra, telling truths that no one wants, or is ready, to hear.
So many other times we are oblivious to a world that everyone else expects us to understand and then judged forever on that alone.
It's probably no wonder that they are less than likely to want to acknowledge the Cassandra in us, when our words are proved true.

I love that song.

2025-01-21T03:13:42Z

In reply to nevent1q…dlyu
_________________________

I love that song.

Whilst I am distanced by an ocean, I know what a devastating day ...

2025-01-20T14:26:55Z

In reply to nevent1q…z9g8
_________________________

Whilst I am distanced by an ocean, I know what a devastating day this represents to you all. I expect you won't be the only one to need to rant today.
Self-care takes many forms. Sometimes screaming abuse into the void is the only healthy thing to do and certainly better than feeling that you can't do anything.

:bear_hugs:

2025-01-20T14:08:38Z

In reply to nevent1q…r54x
_________________________

:bear_hugs:

Not to mention being able to prove that you actually have a ...

2025-01-19T00:54:04Z

In reply to nevent1q…6lw8
_________________________

Not to mention being able to prove that you actually have a licence and the categories that you are licenced for, just in case of cock-up and technological failure. Just the same way that you should keep a copy, when you send off for renewals.

@npub10v4…s27h Just watched the first two episodes of Patience, ...

2025-01-09T03:19:46Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

Just watched the first two episodes of Patience, the English version of Astrid, murder in Paris. And I'm going to have to go with, colour me interested.

I loved Astrid, it's depiction of autism and the characters and their development. As a crime show, it wasn't always that great. But, as a showcase for how we can be and how we often fit into the world, it was brilliant.

In terms, so far at least, of the British show.
It's slightly annoying that they seem to be relying so much on the original show and especially its stories. However, they do seem to be going about telling them in a different enough way, for that not to be a dealbreaker. There's also enough hints that they might be taking the characters, especially the secondary characters, into other and perhaps just as interesting arks.
Patience is being betrayed far more as a heavier masked autistic, than the French version. But that, to me, seems fair and perhaps slightly more realistic for a woman in her position, especially as they have changed the role of her guardian.
They are still being as sympathetic and in some ways as up to date with how we see autism as Astrid was. I especially loved the way as a child she was diagnosed. But also in the difficulties, see the lift scene in the first episode, I found it so true and hilarious, and the ways she is coping.

I will certainly continue watching it and I am not without hope for it. Although, the original will certainly take some beating.

For those interested and who can access British tv, it is on channel 4.

Inner Visioner OLD ACCOUNT (npub1mqp…kkv4)">https://beige.party/Inner Visioner OLD ACCOUNT (npub1mqp…kkv4)

Indeed! Also, learning where they are not, is sometimes just as ...

2025-01-07T02:48:50Z

In reply to nevent1q…ty73
_________________________

Indeed! Also, learning where they are not, is sometimes just as important.

Yes, I was also lucky to be allowed to try many things. Being ...

2025-01-07T02:43:33Z

In reply to nevent1q…elwa
_________________________

Yes, I was also lucky to be allowed to try many things. Being supported in this way can make such a huge difference. Especially considering how many I dropped fairly quickly.

@npub10v4…s27h The holidays are over and I can finally get back ...

2025-01-07T01:29:07Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

The holidays are over and I can finally get back to normal. This includes having my usual three days off together and as I start the first of those I have to report, that I am fucked, completely drained, knackered and down to my finally ounce of energy and ability to give a ... But, then I knew I would be, as soon as I was finally able to relax.

This is, perhaps, one of the most important things I have learnt, since realising I was autistic and beginning to learn about it. The knowledge of how many things drain me, that in the past I wouldn't have believed could. Sure, working over Christmas, isn't ideal. But, there's all the rest. Spending time with the family I love. The presents, the food, all the wonders of this, the happiest time of the year.

But, as much as I, mostly, still love Christmas. I can see now that all this comes with a cost. The complete shattering of the routines that normally support me. The added pressure of having to get around them and dealing with all the added events of family and parties and the sheer busyness and intensity of this time of year. The way so much of it, just isn't geared towards my needs, or even an ability to satisfy them. Shopping becomes a lottery of will it be quiet or not, even, will they have what I want, or not. The roads become something more akin to Deathrace 2000 and the peopling is just so much worse. Not withstanding that everyone needs me to be (shudders) happy and God help me if I'm not. Because I'm stressed, or tired, or just simply trying to cope and that's currently taking everything I've got. But also, because it never seems to end.

All this is what I wouldn't have been able to see in the past. I would have gone into this time of the year, fighting the tiredness, refusing to admit that there was any genuine reason for it and therefore believing it couldn't be real and bulling headlong into my life as if nothing was wrong. I certainly wouldn't have made any plans for how to recharge. I wouldn't have known that the crash was coming and that I had to accept and in fact welcome it. That the body can only take so much and then you have to give it respect, or it will make you somehow. That this is as much a part of being autistic, as any of the good things. I would, instead, have just been normal and cracked on with my life, like a train wreck waiting to happen.

Which probably explains why January and February were always my darkest and lowest months. When depression, and perhaps more likely burnout, I can see now, would dog me, like an unwanted guest. It was always a period I couldn't explain before. It was always, hello post Christmas depression, my old friend and then the knowledge of the long slow trudge to spring and the hopeful lifting of it.

So, if like me, you find these the hardest months. Perhaps think about why and also how much grace and understanding you can actually give yourself, now that you can see and prepare for those reasons.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

@npub10v4…s27h This may be a bit of a weird one, but it ...

2025-01-04T01:42:42Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

This may be a bit of a weird one, but it essentially falls into an #AskingAutistics question.

I was brought up in the sixties and seventies, by parents who had endured and learnt from the war and post-war austerity. As a family, we lived off my father's government pay cheque, which whilst not bad, wasn't great. So we were never rolling in money. My parents also had, which was common back then, a great aversion to borrowing money and any sort of credit. So, basically, if we couldn't afford it, we didn't get it. Holidays were always camping holidays. Dad went to the car sales when ever he needed to replace our only family car. The only new car we ever had, was because he won it in a competition and even then he drove it into the ground. Well, technically, after years and years of faithful service and maintaining and repairing it himself, he drove it into the back of a van going down a really icy hill late one night. But, you get what I mean. I was basically brought up to value money and be prudent.

The consequence of this, is that I tend to not spend money for the sake of it. I carefully weigh all decisions against whether they are really necessary and whether I can afford it yet. If something is still essentially doing its job, even if far from perfectly, I too will continue to drive it into the ground, (although not into the back of a van yet), with much bodging, (highly temporary, Heath-Robinson type repairs) fixing, cursing and occasional sacrifice to the Elder Gods, before eventually and reluctantly, deeming it worthy of replacement.

However, when I do buy something, I rarely skimp on the cost. As is fairly common with us, I will spend hours researching what I want to buy. What bells and whistles I want on it and which product best fulfils my criteria. Price, within reason, I refuse to pay extra for the sake of a name, is not part of this equation. I also do like treating myself to the occasional shiny new toy. Like, this ThinkPad I am currently typing this out on, especially if I can see enough cause to do so.

But. If something is more speculative and the reason for purchasing it is more about simply treating myself, than a true functionality and a sense that it's adding to the value of what I would be doing with something else. In other words, if it's more of a, because I can and I want one, even though I'm not sure how much I'll use it. Then, no matter how much I can clearly afford it and that it's no big deal, I will always feel guilty about doing so.

So, this is what I am wondering. Whether this is my upbringing speaking. Whether I am just cursed to be as tight as a duck's arse and have to live with this. Or whether, this, like so much else, is an autism thing. Is this sort of reaction to treating ourselves for the sake of it, common? Even a, years of trauma induced low self-esteem, thing, common to us? In which case, can my irritating guilt finally have an answer.

Edit. Thank you all. I think that I have finally cracked it. It is a composite. Of my upbringing. I really, really, hate waste. And of my autistic self, that hates to think that I may not be able to give something as good a home as it deserves. Also of forgetting that if it doesn't work out, I can always try to find a good home for it, so that I can pass it on.
As this thread proves, our brains can be damn complicated at times.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

It's important to remember that everyone, no matter who, is ...

2025-01-01T18:10:38Z

In reply to nevent1q…64w4
_________________________

It's important to remember that everyone, no matter who, is apprehensive and often fearful when it comes time to leave home. And I really do mean, everyone. Also, that no-one knows how to do things like opening their first bank account or renting property. This is why parents generally have to go with us and help us through these things for the first time. If we're lucky, that is. Otherwise, it's generally just blunder along and hope that you're helped by a friendly member of staff.

The autistic anxiety that goes along with these things is, though, unique to us. A lot of it comes from simply not having the relevant information. Of not being able to prepare ourselves with doing the research and thinking through the various options ahead of time. There may also be anxiety that is more indicative that you're trying to move too far outside of your comfort zones, too quickly. This, I think, should be listened to. For example, you may not want to leave London, because you're comfortable there and know you have a far greater chance of coping there, than anywhere else. It's always worth remembering that our anxieties and fears may only look irrational from the outside and to someone who doesn't understand us. They're often based on perfectly logical reasoning, from our point of view.

If you have no luck finding help from the various organisations, or mentoring programs. Perhaps you could just pose your questions to the autistic community here. Most of us are older, have gone through this and may well be able to give you the information you seek.

@npub10v4…s27h For those of you who visit family on Christmas ...

2024-12-24T03:13:06Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

For those of you who visit family on Christmas and wonder why you always feel so tired afterwards. And, I suppose, for those who don't wonder, but may still find this interesting.

You are in your best clothes. Which, let's face it, aren't your comfy pj's, or normal comfy clothes and which feel weird and more than a little restrictive. If not downright scratchy and uncomfortable and always make you wonder why you have to be tortured this way.

The smells assailing you are all Christmasy. From the cooked food, to the scented candles and diffusers and no one else is really noticing or seems to care. But they're quietly driving you up the wall and if you're really unlucky, upsetting your chest and breathing. But, you daren't say anything, because that's just wrong and upsets everyone and once again marks you as the person who ruins everything. And yet it's still all you can be aware of and just wish would stop.

You're currently trying to listen to what your loved ones are saying. Whilst hearing what every one else is saying, the music, which is supposed to be in the background, but isn't to you, or the t.v. that's been left on. Whilst at the same time desperately parallel processing, what they're saying, what it means, up to and including any obvious traps and pitfalls, like the fact that your Aunt really doesn't want to know that her outfit makes her look like a cheap hooker, and which of the multiple possible responses is in fact the one they want, or which will get you out of this moment the quickest and with the least pain. Or, how to frame what you actually want to say in a way that they will understand, accept, or, more likely, swallow without a fight or the sort of reply that sends you back to the trauma of your youth, triggers your imposter syndrome, or merely denies your very existence once again to the obvious, but not really knowing what they are doing, amusement of the rest of your family.

That you're hyperaware of your body and its movements. Trying desperately to keep it still and "normal" and not be all weird and attract the attention of the jokers in your family, who will delight in pointing it out. That you're constantly checking where you are looking and how long you do so. The eye contact that you have to fake and desperately trying to ensure that people don't notice what you're doing. That you don't inadvertently zone out and come out of it to realise that everyone's realised that you've been staring blankly at your cousin's tits for the last whatever minutes. Because that's never not uncomfortable, or ends well. Or, that you might inadvertently look at someone who takes that as an invitation to pin you against a wall and talk your ears off, because that's what you really, really, don't want.

And all the time you're desperately trying to remember all the protocols of family and getting on with them. Of accepting the utterly useless piece of crap that they've just given you, as the best Christmas present ever, with the appropriate appreciation and response. Or the food that's offered you, or served for dinner. All the various kindnesses and moments that they lovingly give to you and that you want to deal with well and certainly without disappointing, upsetting, or starting, yet again, the family's favourite game of, who's going to blame you and who's going to defend you and how big an argument and upset is that going to cause and how much of it will be blamed on you anyway.

That ultimately you don't know how long you're supposed to stay, or can stay without running out of steam and letting the whole facade crash around you. Even though you really want to stay and be with your family, but are only too aware that the wheels will come off sooner or later and that no matter how much you'll end up disappointing the ones you love the most, and want to upset the least, that you'll still probably stay too long and disappoint them anyway. And then you end up worrying and dwelling over that and using up the last of what little energy remains, trying to get it right.

So hopefully this explains why you can end up so tired and have a merry Christmas.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

I'm glad you have such a good team. They are vital as you ...

2024-12-16T03:35:30Z

In reply to nevent1q…2cw0
_________________________

I'm glad you have such a good team. They are vital as you learn to navigate this. 😀

No, she's definitely not doing a good job. It doesn't ...

2024-12-16T01:03:06Z

In reply to nevent1q…tpdf
_________________________

No, she's definitely not doing a good job. It doesn't matter that this may be coming from a good place and a real intention to help you. You don't mess with someone's meds, or autonomy, not in a situation like this and especially someone struggling like you are. It's no wonder that your medical team are so concerned and willing to take action. Because all it really shows is that she really doesn't understand what's going on. Either the reality of the situation you're in, or the way you're going to have to come to terms with the long term nature of it.
There are ways that you will come to adapt to it, to manage it. An acceptance that this is a fact of your life going forward and none of that will happen overnight, or without a struggle. It's a process that all of us who have a long term chronic condition have to go through. Even someone like me, who was born with one, still have to go through it. We still have to learn our limitations, our own, unique, ways of being able to cope and make what we can out of life. It's definitely not the sort of thing that you can force someone through, or ever make them get better from, no matter what you try.

I'm so glad for that. Whilst I'd like to think that your ...

2024-12-16T00:41:32Z

In reply to nevent1q…aq9v
_________________________

I'm so glad for that. Whilst I'd like to think that your sister is doing these things to try and motivate you into getting better. Jesus, that's beyond wrong. Neither of these things are idle things, they are necessary, especially your damn meds. 😡

The difference and people's preference doesn't seem to be ...

2024-11-20T03:09:47Z

In reply to nevent1q…97fk
_________________________

The difference and people's preference doesn't seem to be one of performance, more of how they fit, especially if you wear glasses. If possible, it may not be a bad idea to try each out in a store.

Very few are completely noise-cancelling. The best will always ...

2024-11-20T02:57:40Z

In reply to nevent1q…eq02
_________________________

Very few are completely noise-cancelling. The best will always leave something, although often distanced and muted enough not to be a bother. At the very worst, I have been known to use both earplugs and headphones at the same time and even then some stuff got through.
In terms of headphones. If you don't need audio, look perhaps for those used by gun enthusiasts. But, if you are looking for ANC and audio, I'm afraid, in this case the more you spend, is definitely the better. Sony and Boche definitely lead the pack with their highest priced models. Although, seeing as there is little difference between the absolute latest and the previous model, you can save on getting the previous one, without making a massive difference in the ANC.

Do you have a local animal welfare department you can contact, ...

2024-11-10T01:53:27Z

In reply to nevent1q…8d5l
_________________________

Do you have a local animal welfare department you can contact, because that doesn't sound good.

I think that works more for individuals, than it does for groups.

2024-10-14T00:25:25Z

In reply to nevent1q…je9x
_________________________

I think that works more for individuals, than it does for groups.

Pretty much how I see it. Although, I'm old enough and ...

2024-10-13T23:00:03Z

In reply to nevent1q…t3jw
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Pretty much how I see it. Although, I'm old enough and cynical enough to be unfortunately unsurprised. 😡

@npub10v4…s27h Earlier this evening I spent a very pleasant few ...

2024-09-02T02:29:37Z

ActuallyAutistic group (npub10v4…s27h)

Earlier this evening I spent a very pleasant few hours with the tattered remains of my family, eating really good Chinese food, my favourite, in a not overcrowded restaurant. I enjoyed it a great deal, especially as I don't get to see the widely spread members of my family that often. It was a really pleasant night, spent catching up, joking, laughing and generally being amongst family.

I left though, and please pardon my French, completely fucked. This is something my family will never understand, or even something I could even try and make them understand. But then, how do you even try to explain the following to those you love and yet who have no idea that this is even possible?

For over two hours, I had to try and focus on what five people were saying and not the four other tables I could hear and the conversations that a total of eleven other people were having. Several of which were quite interesting and one of which was more than a little juicy.

That I had to try and understand what my family was saying, in terms of what I know about them and what it meant to them and my best guess of what they weren't saying and perhaps what they were trying to imply and therefore I should know.

That I had to translate my replies into the framework that they would understand and the style of communication that they were expecting and that they could accept.

That so many of the urges I had to express the bleeding obvious had to be curtailed, or at least reframed into acceptable replies.

That energy was being wasted on a level of ingrained masking around them, that with the best will in the world, I can't seem to stop. As much as anything because it has had decades to become entrenched.

That all the time I was hyper aware of my surroundings, the coming and goings of everyone. The staff, the other diners. That the partially sighted man had left his white stick behind when he had gone to the toilet, a fact that I almost got up to point out to a member of staff, just before another one realised that this had happened. Even the meal the nearby table had ordered and the fact that when it was delivered the waiter got it the wrong way round and had to be corrected.

So much processing, so much work being done and sometimes on levels that I can't actually control, because it's purely automatic and instinctual. So much energy expanded on enjoying a wonderful night with my family. And I can't help remembering all the times that my family has wondered and had a go at me for becoming irritable, or unsocial during family events. And all I can think, knowing what I know now, is, if only you could know.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

To finally see ourselves in others, to know that we are not ...

2024-09-02T01:10:30Z

In reply to nevent1q…mcl6
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To finally see ourselves in others, to know that we are not alone, or broken or just plain wrong in almost every way, is magical. The impact is hard to describe to anyone who hasn't endured years or decades of self-doubt and self-hatred, because they were so alone and gaslit by society to see that this was their fault and the only solution was to give up everything that made them who they were and become everything that they weren't.

Indeed! It's been strangely uncomfortable and more than a ...

2024-09-02T01:01:00Z

In reply to nevent1q…3muy
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Indeed! It's been strangely uncomfortable and more than a little unsettling on the one hand and yet so incredible on the other, to feel the love, respect and understanding here, that I have basically never felt anywhere else. :bear_hugs: